Challenging stuff with a Grand Child involved

[nickyg]

Hi All,

Feeling like having a bit of a rant to get things out of my system.  I live with my ud23 and 3 year old grand son.  I have mostly lived with my her for the last 23 years accept for a time that she went to Australia with her then boyfriend (the father of gs3). I also moved out of my house for a while and left the house to her and gs3 to rent as I was not handling the situation.  Unfortunately that all came unstuck with her failing on the rent, being in a violent relationship with x bf (father of gs3) who was living with her but not actually going out with her!  My garage was filled to the brim with household rubbish that was not put out.  My carpet was ruined and things had come undone.  I felt I needed to move back in to take control of the situation and get abusive bf out of my house. This was in January of this year. I realised at the time this was probably not a good move, in terms of my own well-being) but I felt as if I had no choice and was very concerned for gs3. 


Just as I moved back in, my brother 35 who is undiagnosed but probably bi-polar (with traits of BPD I now think) went missing.  He was staying at my Mum's place and sounds like he was quite psychotic. He was giving away possessions and saying stuff like he was tired of this life. He swam out to an Island in the middle of Lake Taupo (NZ) and his wetsuit was found with a knife and my Mums crushed up engagement ring.  Mums car was found by the lake.  We havn't seen him since despite extensive searches.  It is an unthinkable tragedy and something we are all coping with in a day by day fashion.  That's all we can do.  My poor Mum - she's had such a hard time with him. I really hope he is at peace.  When he went missing I went to Taupo and on return I was confronted with my ud23s terrible behavior.  It seems she cannot stand me being vulnerable and I have to say my behavior was not the best in response to the things she was saying.  She was just so mean to me.  I think she was hurting but could not stand me to be hurting and not able to be there for her.  I nearly lost the plot!  She raised something she'd never told me before that she thought she'd been abused by one of my friends partners when she was little but wasn't really sure. She was scathing, yelling at me "what sort of mother lets that happen to their child... .  ".  I was shocked of course and would never have guessed that this guy would've done it but I know that is the case with much child abuse.  I tried to be there for her and tried to say the right things like "I'm sorry this happened" and "you're not the only one this has happened to" which I had been trained to say as I worked for a sexual abuse prevention campaign at one time.  What she heard and was so angry with me about is "It happens to lots of people, get over it!" Oh my god, I was dismayed to hear this and had been copping a lot of abuse.  At least she finally told me what she was resenting me for.  Aghhh... .  

Since then, she has finally gotten into an eating disorders clinic of her own volition, I'm so happy she took that brave step. i know it's not easy but I also think that her drug and alcohol use and bulimia have got worse because she feels so vulnerable after she has been to counselling.  She lost her license for drinking and driving, her car was impounded because she continued to drive.  She cannot get her car back as she has got no money and on top of this I have told her she has to leave by the 6th May because she stopped paying her rent properly and was given a clear direction that that's what would happen if she failed on rent again.  She failed the following week. 

Of course I am the bad person for making her move out but I know I have to get my life back and I don't know that her living with me is productive or that she is going to learn to take responsibility for herself while she is living with me. 

I am so grateful to my brother who has offered to take her and my gs3 in if she can't find a flat.  She doesn't want to go there and refuses to talk to me about it but knows that come the 6th May she has to move out.  I find this behavior particularly irritating.  She won't acknowledge that my brother is trying to help her out and that she'd be in trouble without him stepping in.  Ahhh... .  

In the weekend she was really angry with me because I wouldn't let her use my car to go up the road. (Even though she hasn't got a license) I was wrapping a present with my gs3 and used some wrapping paper that she'd brought.  She said ":)on't use that paper, it's mine, you won't do anything for me I'm not doing anything for you."  I ignored her and went on wrapping, feeling a bit scared of possible consequences. She said, "you keep on wrapping that, I'm gonna come and pull it all off".  I realised this was gonna turn ugly and in front of my gs I'll do anything to avoid that so quietly unwrapped it saying "please don't do this in front of gs".  She said "if I had my way I'd take him away and you'd never see him again".  In the meantime gs is getting tense and says "I love you Nana noo".  Gs and I then take ourselves away to the bedroom as we often do to get away from the bad feelings.

This morning I got gs dressed for daycare not worrying too much about the clothes as he gets really grubby.  When she saw him she was saying to him, "you look silly and you look horrible in those clothes, I was going to give you a shower, you're really grubby".  I feel it's all directed at me but instead she's putting him down.  I said, "Please don't give him those messages, imagine if I said that to you... .  " .  Afterwards I just felt so angry and new I needed to stay away for a while.  I have been doing well in letting things ride but this morning it really hit me.  When I finally got back home after dropping gs off and having some time out she had cleaned the house, made a list and proudly told me about it.  She was trying!

I do worry so much about my gs3 and what I should do about him.  Whether it's the right thing for him to be with her or I should go to child protection.  She can be really loving and kind to him and then on the other hand so mean.  He has been through a lot with both his parents.

That was a really long rant but thank you if you hung in there and read the whole thing.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BioAdoptMom3]

This has to be so heartbreaking to you as her mom and then having to see your young grandchild in the middle of it all.  My heart goes out to you!  Do you think she is capable of caring for her son when she moves out?  Are you in a position to take him in if necessary? If you are worried about his well being I think I would either offer to take him in myself (if that is possible) or call child welfare and alert them.  Maybe it's possible for them to check on him regularly?  I am not sure how things like this are handled in New Zealand.  My BPD child is 13 so I have not (not yet anyway) been through this with an adult child and/or grandchild.  There are lots of others on this board who do have adult children with this disorder and I am sure someone will have more accurate and helpful advice than mine.  At any rate, please know that we are here for you!

[suchsadness]

Hi Nickyg

I am one of the grandparents on the board and can feel your pain in having concerns about our sweet innocent grand kids.  We love them so dearly and want them to be happy.  I am far away from mine ... .    and miss them so much.  It is good that you are in his life and I'm sure he feels your love for him.  Yours is definitely a difficult situation.  I think Bioadoptmom3 gave some excellent advice with either offering to keep him with you or have social services aware of your concerns.  Maybe if you offered (if its a possibility) to keep him on a temporary basis until your dd gets her own place it might be easier for your dd to agree to it? 

My thoughts are with you as you face this difficult decision and please take care of you too. 

[qcarolr]

This is really hard - I am struggling with a similar situation that is so toxic to everyone - me, dh, gd7 and BPDDD26. DD is very angry lately as we are no longer allowing her friends to stay overnight. It is just not good for gd. We are fortunate in having legal custody of her since she was a baby. Could not tolerate the continous threats to leave with her. And DD was never there for her little girl. She would have ended up in foster care. This is what happended with gs5 - we chose to remain detached but aware before he was born. Barely have resources to care of gd and ourselves. He is doing fine in his adoptive family - he has been with them since 5 months. Sorry if this part of my story is a little off topic.

We are asking DD to move. We are offering to sell our travel trailer to pay for a 6 month lease. She will be expected to participate in a vocational program through the mental health center during this time. She is also appealing to get disabilty benefits. If she fails at this she will become homeless again. This is why having our gd is so important. And DD's anger is effecting gd now in school, the neighborhood and in our home. GD was able to express some of her worries in therapy today.

There are no relatives willing to put up with DD - never have been. I am so tired. Hope we can follow through on this move for DD.

It is hard to keep my primary focus on my gd7. I want so badly for my DD to make some progress. She has to become willing to participate in some kind of program to do this. She has refused treatment since she was 16 except for some meds for her depression and panic attacks. Can you contact an attorney in your area to get advice about what your rights are as a grandma? Can you contact social services without giving your name to ask how things work with them if you feel your gs is in danger - emotional or physical - neglect has such a long term impact on our gkids. If your only option is to offer to help with your gs - offer this to your DD.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you as you struggle with these hard choices. Please be kind to yourself.

qcr  

[vivekananda]

Hi nickyg   

I am really sorry to hear of the loss of your brother. Your family must be devastated by the whole situation and not knowing what has really happened.

It sounds like you have had a really tough time with your dd while her ex was around. At least he seems to be off the scene. It is a challenging thing to feel you have to make such hard decisions regarding keeping your house and your sanity and of course keeping an eye out for you gdson. It must have been overwhelming to have all this drama and mess to clean up. You must have felt really stressed by the whole thing.

I am not super sure of the NZ laws re child protection. In Aust they will only really take action if the feel the child is in danger of physical or sexual abuse. Concerns regarding emotional abuse and neglect are much harder to deal with because the assessment of the situation is so subjective - that is if you want child welfare to intervene. However, it is always possible to bring about a civil action to gain custody or formalised access. That is a difficult thing to do and you would need to be well prepared before you decided that route.

I am thinking that it might be an idea to set up a regular support for your dd that you could both agree to, eg is it possible that on a regular basis you could care for your gdson. For me it seems that building in a regular expectation of contact builds a routine that becomes understood and even relied upon. Is it possible to ask your dd if there is any way especial that you could support her with the gdson? Regular childcare time? Overnight stays? That sort of thing... .  

In the meantime, please stay in touch and let us know how you are going, ok? There is a lot to be learnt here on this site, lots of interesting and helpful articles, lots to be learnt.

Cheers,

Vivek