I don't know what we're doing anymore

[lostkitten]

There will be bursts of great communication between us, where we're friendly and civil and good to each other. Then we'll go NC, but it generally only lasts a few days at a time.

We both keep contacting each other, we both keep making our presence on social media known, we're both keeping tabs on each other. Mutual friends are at the point where they just want us to get back together, or forget each other.

He keeps trying to reach out to my friends - and he's getting ignored. It makes things really uncomfortable. They're not fans of his, since the split. He's delusional.

The other night, we went back and forth and it ended up with us having a blow out argument. I didn't hold back - I told him he needs to be gone if thats what he wants, and to leave my friends alone. And leave me alone.  I was cold, and very direct and didn't sugar coat anything. Since then, he's gone radio silent. It appears he's blocked me from sending him a text, and although he's seen a long email I sent - there hasnt been any response. I feel terrible that I hurt him, but maybe this is for the best?

[hithere]

maybe this is for the best?

This is how things will go if you stay on this BPD merry-go-round, eventually you will either be ready for a recycle or you will be too tired to continue.  The only way it will stop is if you stop it yourself, it takes two to tango.

[BorderlineMagnet]

I wouldn't feel bad that you hurt him. One of my BPD ex's would lure me into arguments, and I would eventually fall into them. I would yell and say things that I have never said to anyone else in my life. Than she would make me think I was the one with the problem. All he is doing is bringing you down to his level, and by that he has power over you. Especially if you are feeling bad about what you have done. When you push someone into a corner, they fight back eventually. Trick is don't get pushed into a corner, but easier said than done. I would try and keep NC for a longer period of time, no matter how hard it is, to let some of your feelings of regret subside, and for his feeling of power to fade away. It's tough, but for your own mental and emotional health it will be worth it.

[lostkitten]

I know I have the power to stop it. The thing is, just like I have the power to let go - i'm just not there yet. I don't want him, even after all the horrible things he's done and said, to think the door is shut on him.

We push each other - we know how to do it and I hate it. He told me the other night "If you were so perfect dont you think I wouldnt have broken up with you?" ... .  Cruel!

[BorderlineMagnet]

If you don't want to shut the door, you don't have to. After some email exchanges with my ex this Sunday (after a dramatic half expected/unexpected encounter with her at a bar friday) I was able to have the power this time. Told her that I had to stop talking, because I didn't want things between us to get worse. We have still yet to be mean to each other after all that's went down. I left her with the thoughts of "I hope someday that we can be friends again at least, and that my door and ear will always be open to you if you are truly in need. Keep being a good mom, and I hope we meet again someday. Goodbye " The "goodbye" was very cathartic, and yet I left the door open for her in case there is a chance we can have some form of a relationship, be it friends or whatever someday. I took the power of NC this time though, and It felt good. Power in these situations doesn't have to be about one-upsmanship, it can just be about liberating yourself from this person's feelings of control over you.

[lostkitten]

If you don't want to shut the door, you don't have to. After some email exchanges with my ex this Sunday (after a dramatic half expected/unexpected encounter with her at a bar friday) I was able to have the power this time. Told her that I had to stop talking, because I didn't want things between us to get worse. We have still yet to be mean to each other after all that's went down. I left her with the thoughts of "I hope someday that we can be friends again at least, and that my door and ear will always be open to you if you are truly in need. Keep being a good mom, and I hope we meet again someday. Goodbye " The "goodbye" was very cathartic, and yet I left the door open for her in case there is a chance we can have some form of a relationship, be it friends or whatever someday. I took the power of NC this time though, and It felt good. Power in these situations doesn't have to be about one-upsmanship, it can just be about liberating yourself from this person's feelings of control over you.

There's nothing I would love more than to sit down and have a conversation with him! We ran into each other a few months ago, he stared at me and wouldnt say hello. I feel like its inevitable we're going to run into each other soon ... .  and I want to be aware that its happening. I asked him to grab dinner, and he said he is "just not ready for that'.

Knowing i'll see him, or be able to brace myself for it, will make it much easier for me. I feel sick thinking about an accidental run-in, especially if he is with whoever his flavor of the month is ... .  or if i'm not put together or something.

[lostkitten]

Well, I sucked it up. I blocked him from facebook. I blocked his number from calling/texting me. The only way he could reach me is via email.

I hate that it had to come to this, but I feel like he's been drowning me for months now.