I feel I may have made a mistake in only asking the CE for the status quo

[sfbayjed]

I've not been on the boards for awhile, I am divorcing my BPD ex for the second time, in the latter part of a custody update, or second custody eval, what ever you want to call it.   I currently have my d10 and s6 80% of the time, per temp orders,   wife was arrested last oct for dv and a year prior for dv.  Its a long story. Some of you might remember.  I also have a dv conviction from 10 years ago fo something I didn't actually do. I took the deal to get it over with.  A common nice guy mistake apparently.

Anyway her behavior never ceases to amaze me, after all this drama and abuse and victim playing, all this time.  She shows up at the Sunday school yesterday to pass out bday invite for my daughter. (My daughters birthday happened to be on her weekend). She comes up to me and says she wants to talk and I tell her she is making me uncomfortable and I do not wish to talk to her and I go to my van, sit in the back, close the window shades, and make some phone calls.  two good friends of mine have recently passed and  I needed to talk to my other friends about it.  She comes up to the van and starts knocking on the door and wouldn't go away.  I had to drive away and park  down the street. It is so bizarre.  She actually was walking across the parking lot toward me as I drove away in what looked like an almost a zombie like trance. It was just freaky.  wow!. Everyone told me it was going to happen, well it did.  

The kids seem to be doing much better now, my daughter has PTSD and they are both in therapy as am I.  The kids tell me they like the things like they are and do not want to spend more time with mom, which is weird because I never bring it up. My daughter will cry at the thought of spending more time over there. I can only assume ex has been talking about it to them.  

I still haven't been able to find work and I believe  possible ptsd may be a factor .  I am praying I am able to keep things together. I am fortunate that I have family that will help me if needed.

I am worried about what is going to happen, of course, I feel I may have made a mistake in only asking the CE for the status quo, I maybe should have asked for moms time to be limited more.  They kids are so stressed when they get back from moms weekend, it takes them a few days to settle back in.  she gets the kids from Friday after school until Monday night at bedtime, with is a pretty long time. Then the alternate Monday (today) for a diner visit. This morning the kids were saying "I don't want mom to pick me up"  I did not want to risk giving the impression that I was trying to isolate the kids from their mom, however.  I tend to overthink things at times.  

I feel I have done my reasonable best though, there or things I would have done different , but I need to remind myself that I am not perfect.  I just pray that The CE does the right thing.  

[ForeverDad]

If the CE process is not yet complete, you should submit an 'update' that the children have not been improving as much as you had hoped (that ought to let you get off the hook for previously saying 80% was good enough?) and that the children continue to be stressed before and after visits with their mother and you would like the CE & T's to consider further enhancements to the schedule.

[sfbayjed]

I meant to say, I need to remind myself that nobody can be perfect in these things.  I don't need to remind myself I am not perfect, I am very aware of that fact.

Thanks FD I will call and update the CE.  The CE and I can never seem to catch each other on the phone but he said I can leave him messages. 

[marbleloser]

Wait! Does she get them every weekend or just one weekend per month?

If it's EOW with a dinner thrown in,then she's only got them 6 days per month.

I'd say you're on solid ground,even keeping the status quo.I mean,face it,you're not going to cut mom out of their lives all together.Out of 30 days she gets 6! That's HUGE if I'm reading that correctly.

Most men have to fight for 50/50.You're doing well,and by telling the CE that you want it the same,you've proven that a)you're willing to co-parent and b) you're not trying to squeeze mom out of their life.Leave it at that and don't sweat it.You did good. 

[ForeverDad]

Well, you have two suggestions here.  You get to pick the best parts of each.  I realize that marbleloser has a point, that's it's less common for a mother to be the alternate weekend parent and you are doing well thus far.  (Hey, I got custody a couple years ago but still have to deal with equal parenting time and ex's periodic rages.)  Alternate weekend parenting is considered 'normal' - though typically applied to fathers.  However, there have been documented poor behaviors and that also is a factor.

What I do want you to ponder is that you don't approach it from the angle of anti-Ex, "I want her restricted more".  Approach it from the other direction, your commendable concern for the children, "The children are still very distressed before and after visits with their mother, how can we help the children better in the months and years to come with either schedule adjustments, counseling or something else?"

Once you have clear rulings (if not enough already) from court confirming your current status as majority time parent, you may be able to focus more on your job prospects.  It may even be a combination solution that includes moving closer to your family for their support and finding work there.  If that happens then the children might even do better.  So if the CE or court finds a better schedule, great.  If you decide to move some day and find work, that too may be great.

[livednlearned]

sfbayjed,

Can you, (or have you?) document your kids' distressed behaviors? I agree with FD, emphasize your concern for the kids and focus on what you think is best for them (so avoid blaming your ex for anything in particular.

"CPS, I know it is important that the kids have a relationship with their mother. But when they come back from the transition, they display these behaviors: D's PTSD symptoms are exacerbated, and S will do xyz. I work with them by doing 123, and that seems to help. But I am worried about the impact of this on their school, and wonder if it would be best to have the kids spend Sunday nights with me, so that they can regroup before the school week begins." 

Something like that.

I also agree with marbleloser that the visitation schedule is very favorable, but in your case, given that you already have majority time, there is a chance you can do this without it seeming as though you are trying to alienate the kids from their mom. The more you focus your conversations on what is best for the kids, the more the courts will trust you.

There is a line (I found it in my own case) where the courts see very clearly that abuse is happening, and you can actually make yourself look bad if you don't ask for what's best for the kids. Like in my case, I was in contempt of court for refusing to allow S11 to see his dad after the psychotic/manic episode last summer. But my L felt strongly that the judge would see that my actions were entirely justified. And the judge did. Allowing S11 to see his dad, per the temporary order, would've made it seem like I didn't take S11's well-being seriously.

The hard part is knowing where that line is -- I don't think you can prevent the kids from seeing your ex 100%, but if you ask for that extra night, that is actually a big deal and shows you are willing to fight for your kids without alienating them from their mother.

Right now, because N/BPDx had a psychotic/manic episode back in the summer of 2012, S11 only sees his dad for 4 hours on Sat, and 4 hours on Sun. The changes in S11 have been profound. A few weekends ago, I let S11 spend his 8 hours with his dad all on Sat, to accommodate N/BPDx. The next day, S11 had a meltdown like the ones he used to have when he spent long periods of time with his dad.

Even eliminating the extra Sunday/Monday night would help your kids, and I think you can handle it in a way that it doesn't make it look like you're trying to sabotage the ex.

[sfbayjed]

I don't want to keep the kids from their mom, I also don't want to keep my ex from her kids.  My thread was actually retitled by one of the moderators.  The original title referred to what happened at the Sunday school.  This is something that is been on my mind but it is not why I started the thread.  I was mostly disturbed about what happened at the Sunday school.  That she attempting to engage me.

  I really truly don't want to alienate the kids from their mom, and to be perfectly honest it is good to have her weekend to catch up on things, get the house clean, ect.   the problem is that I've seen first hand how she can be with the kids and it scares the heck out of me. And this thing with the Sunday school is just like the same old pattern, now she is looking like a lost puppy. It confirms to me that the pattern continues. Another part of this cycle is abusive behavior, If this is happening again, that will happen again too. It is just a matter of time. Plus the kids keep telling me they don't want to spend more time over there and they say things like "how about we come back Sunday" or ""How about just 2 nights"  So it is also something that is on my mind.  I feel it may have been a mistake not to ask for her time to be limited further but it is out of concern for the kids.  I also feel that if I do ask for that I risk giving the wrong impression.  It is not about what is best for me. If I thought it was best for them to be with her more, I would want that for them. I am not trying to win. I am trying to do my best to do what is best for them. I hope that I am.  It is not easy to figure that out sometimes. 

[ForeverDad]

My ex does that too, seeming nice, but then hours later she can be triggered/upset at me and raging yet again.  Erratic moods and feelings.  Goes with the package.