I can't be bothered anymore... maybe NC is the way forward

[rescuenomore]

I just received 4 emails within 24hrs from my uBPDm. 

Giving me a 'gentle reminder' that she has PTSD and things are very hard for her (she received this diagnosis a few years ago and now uses it to excuse everything); that she doesn't understand my 'anger and suspicion' at her; but then she does understand it because she's been there (of course, I don't have feelings in my own right); that the atmosphere is uncomfortable, false and demeaning when we meet; that I trigger her and increase her symptoms plus plus plus but 'it's nothing personal'; that she is appalled that I might be condoning my brother's behaviour towards her but she hasn't mentioned it because she doesn't want to 'triangulate this mess' (he no longer speaks to her); that my children are rejecting her and she can't handle further rejection from her family (they are 3 and 1 !); that she is stuck in this with me and everyone else 'because no one wants to move towards/away -anything really.  That's ok too. Just don't include me'; that there's an opportunity for growth, reflection and transformation for 'all of us' and she can't fathom why no one wants to take it.

It goes on... . and on... . Then I got a really bizarre angry rant about something that happened 40 years ago with her sister. I caught up with my aunt a year ago as she hadn't met my children yet but this was my mother's interpretation: ' I knew what she was coming to do, I'm not silly, I fully expected payback in one sense or another, I just didn't think she would stoop so low in covering herself, not only for her own bad behaviour back then, but also her failure to protect children now.  Anyway, who says that stuff to other people's children?  I knew no-one would get it.  And I'm right.'  She went on and on about an incident that obviously causes her shame and was quite aggressive.

My first reaction to these emails was, what have I done?  Is it because I didn't reply to a previous email for 2 days when I was working.  I had said I will get back to her.  Of course then the anxiety, then the anger, then the disbelief at her behaviour.  I'm just so sick of these rants for no apparent reason or because she can't get her way.  My life is about me now and it is clear that she still has absolutely no regard for my feelings, they are always secondary to hers.  As they were when I was a child.  She is still trying to rope me into this with her with her inclusive language about being stuck together and not taking my opportunities for growth with her etc.  umm... . i am actually but it is without you.

Nothing is ever enough for her and I cop it whichever way I turn unfortunately.  I enabled her for years and went as far as moving in with her and helping her financially.  And then I got to the point after living in her house with her drug addictions, suicide attempts, seriously unhygienic lifestyle (i could go on) where i thought I can't do this anymore as an adult and put my children through this.  Why am I still putting her needs first, above my children's?

So anyway here I am on low contact (once a month- which she continually tries to override and pushes for more using the children etc)  wondering if i actually want or need any contact with her at this point.  If she is still able to send me emails that leave me wondering what I did wrong.  The good news is that I think I am getting further along in my processing and healing and usually after one of her text/email rants, my partner and I would have an argument but we didn't this time.  Yay us! 

My partner actually showed a work friend the emails and she said she couldn't believe this was the way a mother wrote to her child and she understood if I would want to stop contact.  That was kind of affirming for me because apart from my husband and brother I have never shown anyone before, out of shame I think.  Anyway I'm seeing my T in a week so will discuss with him.

[ScarletOlive]

rescuenomore,

My dear, the emails would be very tough to handle. I do understand where you're at. It's triggering to receive notes like this, especially hurtful ones. Also, it makes sense that inwardly, the reaction would be, "What did I do?" That's how we had to react when we were kids. But if you didn't do anything, then you needn't worry. As an adult, you have the power to control your destiny. You can just say, "Oh, that's just Mom being mom," and move on with your day. The anxiety will still come up, but accepting that you can't change her might help. This article on Radical Acceptance for family members may be of help.

When she sends you emails, do they usually trigger you and give you anxiety?

Yay you for healing! It sounds like you've set up some excellent boundaries and like the anxiety is decreasing!   Keep it up, rescuenomore, and keep posting. Sending you much caring and support.

[Issa]

I think NC is the only way with BPs. It is just hard for us non-Bp because the ingrained guilt and anxiety. I literally was a wreck for days when I got yet another crazy guilt inducing email from my BP sister. She told me she would not stop writing me until I responded and the emails got crazier and more aggressive. I knew better than to respond, but she pushed the right button. I took the bait. But, in a way, it was a turning point for me. I observed how much turmoil I had going on and how anxious an email made me. That is my fault. She will continue to be an emotional tornado, that won't change. I had to change. I can't waste another gorgeous day of life feeling 9 years old and alone, fearful and full of anxiety. I do whatever I can to get past those feelings. Did I make a mistake in emailing her back, no, not really. I just learned a valuable lesson. And it reaffirmed my stance on NC, released the guilt and stepped off the merry go round of crazy. Bit by bit, I am seeing how I can change my reactions to some very cyclical dysfunctional patterns.

[KEnsign27]

After 33 years of mental abuse from my mother I have finally set some very strong boundaries with her and it has been a roller coaster of emotions! I don't have any contact with my mother at this point because she does not like my what she calls "rules" and she flat out said that I'm 52 years old and no one is going to dictate my life.  The boundaries I told her she has to follow to be allowed in mine and my children's life are:  Stop sending me nasty text messages when you are angry, talked to me like an adult.  Stop talking bad about people in front of my children (she puts everyone down and has nothing nice to say about anyone especially her ex boyfriend who I still allow to be a grandpa to my girls), I don't want my girls to think it's ok to say mean things about people.  There will be no drinking around my children (that one made her really angry).  She is just going to have to get over that I allow her ex to still be a part of my girls life (he has been around since before my girls were born and they are now 9).  She hates that, she has tried every dirty trick in the book to get my sister and I to not allow him in our kids lives.  The latest which was just last week she told my sister he was a rapist.  Which toward the end of her relationship with him she told us that they hadn't had sex in over 6 years and he never touches her, so which is it mom... .   is he a rapist or does he not ever touch you?  I've had enough and life has been much less stressful without anxiety of her calling, not knowing which mom I was going to talk to, the loving mother or the evil one on a rampage.  I don't know what the future holds but right now life is peaceful. 

[rescuenomore]

ScarletOlive her benign emails don't trigger me just the waify ones where she is telling me off, usually about not giving her enough emotional support.  I mean really, how much can one person give?  I've come to the realisation that I'm never going to make her happy and she really needs to fit in with me now rather than the other way round... . which she hates and I'm expecting a lot more of these type of emails.  After I didn't respond she phoned me and was really really waify, saying things about how alone she is, and asking if I still want to have a relationship with her, and asking if I loved her and then saying 'really?  can you say that again' (like wanting me to say it 5 times), and telling me how hard her childhood was.  All about her, as per usual.  I mean she doesn't know and wouldn't even care that I went through a miscarriage last week because my priority must always be on her and if it isn't she'll find a way to make it so. I felt myself screaming inside and I did tell her a lot of truths but it feels pointless, she just makes excuses for her behaviour, turns it into another pity party and says she's sorry for my childhood but she did her best.  umm... . It's not my childhood I'm concerned about here it's your behaviour NOW!  You are still doing the same things.

Issa and KEnsign27 I understand so much about wanting to get off the rollercoaster or merry go round.  Life is so much more peaceful when I have a break and I find myself wishing it was always like this.  Funny thing is though, when I am NC for a short period I am still thinking about/waiting for the next attack to knock me off my calm, enjoyable ride.  Maybe I am still somewhat caught up in the FOG in that if I do let her go on her way, I know that she really does not have many other people in her life.  I might try what you are doing KEnsign27 and spell out my terms really clearly, as in none of these emails, waify messages etc. and see how that goes.  I don't respond much to her in face to face and have a separate phone number for her so she uses email now but I've just redirected them to another account. 

[KEnsign27]

I totally understand waiting for the next attack! Even though I don't have contact with my mother and life is more peaceful, every month or so she still tries to get to me and everytime something happens I go into total panic mode.  The last episode was she tried texting my ex-husband and bad mouthing me to him to try and get him on her side and to try and get him to allow her to see our children.  My ex-husband and I are still friends and are on good terms but she doesn't care and will do anything to get others against me.  One of her texts to him said that they (my ex-husband and my mother) have allowed me to control them for to long.  So even though I don't speak to her she there will never be total peace in my life.  Its a battle everyday to have a mother with a mental disorder.  Right now we all just have to take everything one day at a time and try to live our lives the best we can.  Just try to minimize the damage BPD's try to cause.  Good Luck!

[GeekyGirl]

Funny thing is though, when I am NC for a short period I am still thinking about/waiting for the next attack to knock me off my calm, enjoyable ride. 

That's the tough thing about NC. That anticipation can really sneak up on you at times. I found that when I was NC with my parents that I thought about them more than I do now that I have controlled/limited contact with them.

All about her, as per usual.  I mean she doesn't know and wouldn't even care that I went through a miscarriage last week because my priority must always be on her and if it isn't she'll find a way to make it so. I felt myself screaming inside and I did tell her a lot of truths but it feels pointless, she just makes excuses for her behaviour, turns it into another pity party and says she's sorry for my childhood but she did her best. 

I'm sorry, rescuenomore.   I've been there too and my mother behaved the way you expect your mother would have. It's invalidating and frustrating. We want and need the support from others at times, and the last thing we need when we're hurting is to have to have someone "one up" us and try to minimize the pain we're in.

Soemtimes it can be really helpful to just take a break. You can explain to your mother that right now you need to focus on yourself and your needs, and when you're ready, you'll send her an e-mail or call her. 

[rescuenomore]

Thanks KEnsign... . Good luck to you also! 

Geekygirl what you said was spot on about the emotional 'one-upping'! She does this A LOT! For small and major things, and sometimes not so subtly. You know your last comment really struck me in that I almost forgot that it's ok for me to just say I need a break for a while. I obviously still struggle with expressing my needs to her... . protecting my children is easy.

[healinghome]

I think NC is the only way with BPs. It is just hard for us non-Bp because the ingrained guilt and anxiety. I literally was a wreck for days when I got yet another crazy guilt inducing email from my BP sister. She told me she would not stop writing me until I responded and the emails got crazier and more aggressive. I knew better than to respond, but she pushed the right button. I took the bait. But, in a way, it was a turning point for me. I observed how much turmoil I had going on and how anxious an email made me. That is my fault. She will continue to be an emotional tornado, that won't change. I had to change. I can't waste another gorgeous day of life feeling 9 years old and alone, fearful and full of anxiety. I do whatever I can to get past those feelings. Did I make a mistake in emailing her back, no, not really. I just learned a valuable lesson. And it reaffirmed my stance on NC, released the guilt and stepped off the merry go round of crazy. Bit by bit, I am seeing how I can change my reactions to some very cyclical dysfunctional patterns.

kudos issa   good job in learning that lesson.  I've been there myself!

i agree... .  nc is the only way for me also.  I've been so involved in trying to get them to see that what they are doing is a self created cycle of chaos that i lost myself in the process.  it wasn't only for their benefit either... .  i felt that if they acted more reasonably then i could relax more and not wait in constant anxiety for their next drama.  now?... .  i don't care!  drama and chaos is their life choice while peace and happiness is mine.

remember; 'no change of circumstances can repair a defect of character' - ralph waldo emerson