Why do you think they chose us?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm guessing that in most cases (if not all), it was the BPD who chose & chased us at the start.


Is there something in particular or "special" about us that caused them to initiate? Something perhaps that we sub-/unconsciously telegraphed to them?

Or was there simply no rhyme or reason to it all, except that we had a pulse & were one of the "lucky" ones who took the bait?


I've read that they have this uncanny ability to be able to "read" somebody pretty well & quickly -- and adjust accordingly in order to hook us.


Oddly enough, I think perhaps one of the reasons why mine was attracted to me was because she *couldn't* read me all that well, which was pretty frustrating & foreign to her, given her usual "abilities."

For those familiar with Myers-Briggs personality types, I test as INTJ, which means I'm fairly reserved & not all that "readable." I believe this not only made me that more attractive/challenging to her, but also on some levels sort of fre@ked her out (i.e., paranoia).

Not only did I notice her struggle in trying to figure me out more -- but she knew that I had also figured *her* out (inbetween our 1st & 2nd go-arounds) re: the BPD. Which I believe threw her for an even bigger loop.


Anyway, I ramble.


What reason(s) do you think your BPD chose you?

[delgato]

I'm guessing that in most cases (if not all), it was the BPD who chose & chased us at the start.


Is there something in particular or "special" about us that caused them to initiate? Something perhaps that we sub-/unconsciously telegraphed to them?

Or was there simply no rhyme or reason to it all, except that we had a pulse & were one of the "lucky" ones who took the bait?


I've read that they have this uncanny ability to be able to "read" somebody pretty well & quickly -- and adjust accordingly in order to hook us.


Oddly enough, I think perhaps one of the reasons why mine was attracted to me was because she *couldn't* read me all that well, which was pretty frustrating & foreign to her, given her usual "abilities."

For those familiar with Myers-Briggs personality types, I test as INTJ, which means I'm fairly reserved & not all that "readable." I believe this not only made me that more attractive/challenging to her, but also on some levels sort of fre@ked her out (i.e., paranoia).

Not only did I notice her struggle in trying to figure me out more -- but she knew that I had also figured *her* out (inbetween our 1st & 2nd go-arounds) re: the BPD. Which I believe threw her for an even bigger loop.


Anyway, I ramble.


What reason(s) do you think your BPD chose you?

[MontyD]

Hi delgato,

There is rhyme and reason, pop over to the workshops and read here.   

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

I copied out some bits for you.

In Schema terms, 2010 described two deep-rooted psychological problems characterized by repetitive life patterns and core life themes, called maladaptive "schemas."   Maladaptive schemas develop in difficult situations and are often survival strategies that are functional within a specific setting early in life.  The problem is that they are maladaptive in other situations or at later stages in life.   

Schema Mode-Abandoned/Abused Child   The borderline patient is seen as being motivated by four or five maladaptive schema modes that make up an inner theater that is filled with pain and conflict. The Abandoned/Abused Child mode is the core schema of the patient.  This is a child who lives in fear and terror and who has no allies in the world.  People in this mode are quite frightened and troubled.  Jeffery Young, PhD and founder of Schema Therapy, stresses that psychologically and emotionally, borderline patients are little children around the age of 4 or 5.  In times of difficulty or high stress, it is helpful to try to see them as children instead of adults.  "Connection", for the Abandoned/Abused Child, is a matter of survival, and this drives much of the intensity that is found in the relationships of these patients.

Schema Mode-Lonely Child / Vulnerable Child  The  Lonely Child / Vulnerable Child is a maladaptive schema characterized by feelings of being lonely, isolated, sad, misunderstood, unsupported, defective, deprived, overwhelmed, incompetent, doubts self, needy, helpless, hopeless, frightened, anxious, worried, victimized, worthless, unloved, unlovable, lost, directionless, fragile, weak, defeated, oppressed, powerless, left out, excluded, pessimistic.  The Lonely Child is prone to act in a passive, subservient, submissive, approval-seeking way around others out of fear of conflict or rejection; tolerates abuse and/or bad treatment; selects people or engages in other behavior that directly maintains the self-defeating schema-driven pattern.

It has been pointed out how idealization is a vehicle that can connect people in these two schemas.  The Abandoned/Abused Child is desperately seeking a connection and in BPD that drives an overreaction (idealization).  The Lonely Child / Vulnerable Child is approval seeking and revels in it. The Lonely child is also prone to try to cling to the relationship long after it has turned bad as they are tolerant of and often feel deserving of bad treatment.

Four years ago, I was the helpful neighbour who understood her problems and offered her good advice on all manner of things. Particularly when she was in the middle of divorce proceedings.

I was exactly what a pwBPD needed, and so I was trapped.

And now I'm still trying to extract myself.


Monty.

[BradyK]

Yes, my exBPDbf chased me at the beginning, too.  But for me it has been more fruitful to think about why I chose him, and why I overlooked/excused/failed to notice certain red flags, and why I tolerated his increasing lack of respect for me once the idealization stage was over.

[delgato]

Thanks, Monty!

I read some, & bookmarked for later. I liked 2010's post.


Yes, there are a lot of reasons for many of us, I suppose, big & small.

And yes, I've become much more aware of core-trauma / inner-child stuff, and have been trying to work thru some of that healing for myself. It's not easy sometimes, but certainly necessary.


It's sort of "amazing" how much of a learning experience the BPD-relationship can be, once you've gained some distance.

Gotta take that opportunity; otherwise, will just keep repeating the same pattern with future others.


Lemons into lemonade, and all... .  

[delgato]

Yes, my exBPDbf chased me at the beginning, too.  But for me it has been more fruitful to think about why I chose him, and why I overlooked/excused/failed to notice certain red flags, and why I tolerated his increasing lack of respect for me once the idealization stage was over.

Definitely agree re: the fruitful thing.


However, keep in mind, too, that it wasn't all just you.

I think a lot of BPD's have become almost like "experts" at what they do -- since they've been doing a lot of it all their life. Especially the more intelligent ones, which can scare the heck out of me.


When you get a chance, take a look at Monty's link. Some good stuff there.

[MontyD]

2010's post is long but excellent.

Lots of the postings in that thread I converted to .pdf's and printed them out.  They are on my desk and read them when I start to doubt myself.

Monty.

[BradyK]

Thanks, delgato and MontyD.  I will look at those links.

And, your're right delgato, I did not want to think about the possibility that he knew what he was doing, because it does scare me. I didn't realize that till I read your comment.

[laelle]

I think that they probably do know what they are doing, but I dont think they have much ability to fight their faulty defense mechanisms, emmotional immaturity, and poor impulse control to change the outcome to anything substantial.  Not without therapy anyway.

[VeryFree]

I read the thread Monty is linking to. Didn't see that one before.

A bit shocked how accurate '2010' is describing things went in my r/s.

A must read!

Thanks Monty!

[delgato]

And, your're right delgato, I did not want to think about the possibility that he knew what he was doing, because it does scare me. I didn't realize that till I read your comment.

Brady,


I didn't mean to imply that they do it intentionally.

If they're not actively trying to heal & work on their stuff, then as their life goes on, they learn through experience what they personally consider more "effective" ways of hooking people in attempt to get their own needs fulfilled.

Of course, nobody could ever possibly fulfill those needs, except themselves -- with the assistance of therapy, as laelle mentioned.

[laelle]

I get what your saying there Delgato, and I agree with you.  At least from my own experience.  I dont think its predatorial, I believe its more self survival.

They do what works for them.  No malice or hurtful intentions.  Its how they relate to the world.  They see things differently than we do.  They see people as a source

of pain relief in a sense.  Their very existence is pain for them, and they have to escape their pain at all cost.  For them, its life or death.

By mirroring you, they are able to see and feel the world as you are.  They "hooked" on because they saw something that you had that they admired so much that they wanted to be like you. 

[MysticK]

Intriguing notion that we are "chosen".

It's a critical point, of course, to realize that there were innumerable things that we overlooked and that a self-assessment and introspective inventory is necessary and healing. I also recall, near the end, a comment BPD made regarding a perceived "rival". (As one of my friends said, "All you have to do is stand beside a breathing woman and you are having an affair with her!) But, nevertheless, the conversation came up and BPD voiced fears of abandonment and then said: ":)on't think she doesn't have an agenda. For someone as accomplished as you are, it's always surprised me that you are fairly naïve about women."

This comment, to me, indicated a clear "targeting" or "choosing" by BPD. A highly unsettling but necessary lesson moving forward!

[tomjon78]

I somewhere read the likeliest "victims" of BPD´s are narcissists or co-dependents! In my case my former ex has a story of these kind of relationships.

[Hurt llama]

2010's post is long but excellent.

Lots of the postings in that thread I converted to .pdf's and printed them out.  They are on my desk and read them when I start to doubt myself.

Monty.

2010's post is blowing my mind in it's razor sharp accuracy in such objective ways. I'll be saving it too.

[heyhey]

agreed ^^

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

I don't know if I agree with being chosen as that makes me too much of a victim. I think I chose her as much as she chose me. I was going to fix, rescue and rehabilitate her and she thought she was going to use me. It was a match made in hell. It turned into a truely dysfunctional relationship that I chose and willingly participated in. That is where the work really started for me... .  I had discover why and start to heal my early childhood trauma so that I would not keep on picking the same kind of woman.

I think I have made great progress, but once in a while my addiction comes calling... .  

[Rocknut]

I am definitly a sensitive, stupid, naive codependent.

My former BPD boyfriend would routinely tell me he loved me because, "you are a sensitive, sweet caring man. I have never met someone so sweet." Then in the latter stages of the relationship he used me for money, emotionally abused me and finally raged at me something fierce.

After he did all this I begged him to stay. Yes, most sane people would have run away.

[Blessed0329]

My ex and I worked together for almost an entire year before he suddenly decided he was in love with me, and began pursuing me relentlessly. I knew that something I told him triggered all of this, as he had never before exhibited BPD behaviors, or behaved inappropriately with me, or any other woman at work until this one incident. It was like a carefully created costume fell away, and a really unbalanced, sex- and love-starved man emerged. He instantly changed his view of me into the one who could supply his needs.

My surprised but positive response to his pursuit fueled him. I too was dying in a desert, and saw him as this wonderful oasis. We both filled needs for each other, for a time.

So, while I don't believe my ex was looking for someone with whom he could have an affair, once he changed his view of me, my own neediness, along with my maternal, giving, other-directedness, fit so, so very well to fill his needs. And so, he chose me.

[hellnback]

I just asked my ex this very question tonight. She didn't know. I think I was just lonely and she made me feel loved. It all happened so fast. Just as fast as it ended. But I really liked how she made me feel special. Like I ment the world to her. I understand now that she didn't love me. She couldn't possibly love someone that fast. I think she needed me and I needed to feel loved.

[delgato]

My ex and I worked together for almost an entire year before he suddenly decided he was in love with me, and began pursuing me relentlessly. I knew that something I told him triggered all of this, as he had never before exhibited BPD behaviors, or behaved inappropriately with me, or any other woman at work until this one incident.

Blessed,

If you're open to it, I'm curious what you had said to him to trigger, even just a basic gist of it.

Thanks!

[Blessed0329]

Delgato, sure, I will share. This will be a bit lengthy. My ex was a model of conduct. Although he had a temper at times, could be sarcastic, and was very self centered, he never once showed a wandering eye for the ladies. He is a minister and married, but we worked together in a social services field during this time. He seemed generally well balanced and contented.

My husband was going out of town unexpectedly, and asked me to come home for a good bye trip to the bedroom. As I was hurrying out the door, my friend asked, with genuine concern, if everything was ok. I must have turned red, and I said something about my husband going out of town and he needed to see me before he left, and that he was probably going to lecture me about spending money. Well, my friend knew why I was going home, and while I was a bit embarrassed by the situation, I just figured it was fine for the minister coworker to know. After all, I was married.

It was less than a week later that he started hitting on me. I was caught off guard by this, because he had NEVER done anything like that before, never even flirted with me or anyone. I dismissed his behaviors as just being a typical male, always thinking about sex. I ignored him, and pretended not to notice, which is what I usually do when men hit on me. Eventually they stop, and no big scene is made.

But my friend did not stop, in fact this was when he began a campaign of seduction and pursuit, the kind I had not seen in many years. This threw me into crisis of conscience.

While I struggled with a very strong temptation, my friend became visibly crazy, and my descent into the BPD world began.

I believe I triggered him when he suddenly saw me as a potential sexual partner, and not just his boss at work.

[delgato]

Blessed, thanks for sharing.


It is tough when you work together. Looking back at some of your past posts, I'm glad to hear that you & he are no longer at the same place of employment. Speaking from personal experience, that can cause a whole new host of issues with pwBPD. And being his boss, on top of it? Yikes!


And I know all too well, as I'm sure many of us here do, about that "campaign of seduction and pursuit" you speak of. It can really fre@k somebody out, man or woman.

Over the years I've been through it more times than I care to admit, though usually I can "resist" & get away. But not always. It's like they're a heat-seeking missle or something.


The pwBPD that "messed me up" the most was the most recent. I've seen her in action years ago, and it was nothing like I've ever seen in my life. She would try to latch onto almost any guy who seemed stable enough & good-looking enough -- didn't matter if they were married or not.

I believe they knew she was "off" in some way, and eventually distanced themselves. But I also believe I was probably the 1st to "crack her code" re: BPD, and did indirectly mention the term to her via email after the 1st time she painted me black. She definitely wasn't as high-functioning back then, so it was easier to spot. During our 2nd go-around years later, she did mention something about one of the symptoms in describing herself, so I think she's a little more aware these days. Doesn't mean that she's exactly healthy though, either.


Anyway, on some levels it's unfortunate that we had to go thru something like this, as it can be pretty traumatic. Then again, it's also an opporunity to look at ourselves more closely, that we may have some resolvable issues of our own -- or at the very least, to learn & practice some new & effective tools for dealing with people & life.

Not easy sometimes, though.