Does my dad have BPD?

[ll789]

Today I was in the book store looking in the self-help section (I've suffered from OCD and a variety other fluctuating anxiety-related issues throughout my life, but I will get into that a little later) when I came across a book entitled Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason,MS and Randi Kreger. It immediately caught my attention. I've always wondered what was "wrong" with my dad, and this title seemed to sum up our relationship. I assumed the book would be about dealing with difficult people in general, but as I began to read about the symptoms of BPD, I found a lot of them to be undeniably similar to my father's personality traits.

A quick disclaimer: Let me begin by saying my father never physically abused me. There weren't drugs involved in my experience growing up, nor was there divorce or any other traumatic life-changing event. After reading through some other people's experiences, I almost felt guilty trying to assimilate myself. It also cast some doubts on whether or not my father's condition is severe enough to fall under the title.

So: As long as I can remember my dad made me uneasy. It seemed like he really loved me and enjoyed my company, but everything I ever did was wrong. The most difficult thing for me as a child was to witness the vicious, unrelenting fights between my parents. I remember always feeling so confused and frightened because my mom would do or say something so neutral and 60 seconds later my dad was slamming doors and calling her things like a "filthy animal." I always felt helpless. As the first-born child of 4, my dad had certain expectations of me that he would be irrationally disappointed about if I didn't uphold. I remember being fearful of going on a sled on a steep hill when it was icy, and  my dad guilting and shaming me into doing it, resulting in me injuring myself. He was compassionate but certainly didn't take blame. My mom once told me that when I was a toddler, we were playing when suddenly I heard the garage door. My face went pale and I suddenly became very anxious. My mother asked me what was wrong and I just kept saying "oh no oh no the door." She told me it was the first time she realized the effect he had on me and the first time she didn't feel alone, because she too always had anxiety upon hearing the garage door. It's a feeling that I still get today when I hear that sound.

I learned early on not to argue with him. I was afraid to say the wrong thing for fear of a vicious attack. His voice was so loud and booming, and it felt impossible not to cry when he was yelling. Because I was always trying to keep him from getting mad, our relationship often felt like one between distant relatives, even though I could sense he wanted to be close to me. I could also tell that he resented my mother because I was so much closer with her.

Sometimes I was completely defenseless against his anger regardless of whether or not I said anything to him. It often felt that no matter what choice I made in any situation, he would think I should have done the opposite. If I ever succeeded at anything, he never acted proud of me, but rather seemed resentful and eager to change the subject or find something within the success to criticize me about.

Often the most painful moments weren't when he yelled directly at me, but when he yelled at my mom about how disappointing I was in front of me. It was always about such tiny things, like me using too much toilet paper or accidentally opening something like a box of cereal before we finished the new one. His anger was much more often passive aggressive towards us (his children), but sometimes I think I would have preferred to be yelled at. He tends to whisper under his breath in a sinister way if we do anything that he doesn't approve of, but if one of us finally gains the courage to confront him about it he seems to genuinely think it didn't happen.

He is excellent at arguing and really always seems to be right. We all tended to trust him on any issue because he commanded authority. As a result, I find it very difficult to make any decision without consulting him, as I don't believe I am capable of doing something right without him. He speaks of himself as if he is virtuous and everyone else in "this house" (as he likes to call it) needs to look up to him, and we always did. We even went as far as to sabotage each other and compete intensely for his affection and approval. The weird thing is that some things (irrational things, at that) would make him extremely anxious and panicked, but it never seemed like weakness because it manifested itself as anger.

I am now 23 and living at home while applying to graduate schools. Things haven't changed much. My dad criticized my eating patterns when I was 18 because I was trying to lose weight by counting calories and ignoring nutritional content, comparing his "pious" eating to my idiotic routine. Today I have what some would call "Orthorexia," which is severe anxiety surrounding food that involves only feeling that healthful and "perfect" eating are acceptable. Yet as a 23 year old woman I hide my health food in my bedroom because I just don't want to deal with the criticism that now comes with me eating "too" healthily.

One last thing--my parents tried couples counseling before I was born, but my dad quit immediately and felt that the therapist was "siding with my mom."

Ultimately it just feels like I will never be able to have a genuine relationship with him. I can't tell if he's malicious or just TOTALLY on a different planet. I have all of this hatred towards him, but I still feel this need to protect him and his feelings. The VERY few times I've tried to even scratch the surface on what's going on with him have resulted in him breaking down and crying (but still totally not understanding) and me wishing I'd never brought it up.

Anyway, thank you SO much for reading this whole thing. I'm very hopeful that a name for this whole thing could make finding resources a lot easier, since my siblings and I have all spent our lives kind of just accepting that our dad is "crazy."

[ll789]

I also just wanted to add that I believe if this is what my father is suffering from that he has, according to Stop Walking on Eggshells, "mostly higher-functioning invisible Borderline." He is highly intelligent and successful and comes across as a nice and charming man to his patients (he is a dentist) and other outsiders.

[Suzn]

Hello ll789   

I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this with your father.     Your story is painful for you, your father sounds very invalidating, and we all need the opposite from our parents. No one here can diagnose your father but we can look at the behaviors and help you with how to communicate better with him. It's no surprise that you seem to have anxiety issues surrounding your relationship with him. Someone yelling at you all the time will create a sense of needing to survive and his behaviors towards you are likely abusive, whether or not there was any physical abuse, you are feeling the affect. I'm glad you have the support from other family members, this is important with regards to your own recovery.

I'm very glad you have found us. I see you have already found the Healing board, that's the right place to start.

These links may be helpful too.

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

[DramaEverything]

Today I was in the book store looking in the self-help section (I've suffered from OCD and a variety other fluctuating anxiety-related issues throughout my life, but I will get into that a little later) when I came across a book entitled Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason,MS and Randi Kreger. It immediately caught my attention. I've always wondered what was "wrong" with my dad, and this title seemed to sum up our relationship. I assumed the book would be about dealing with difficult people in general, but as I began to read about the symptoms of BPD, I found a lot of them to be undeniably similar to my father's personality traits.

A quick disclaimer: Let me begin by saying my father never physically abused me. There weren't drugs involved in my experience growing up, nor was there divorce or any other traumatic life-changing event. After reading through some other people's experiences, I almost felt guilty trying to assimilate myself. It also cast some doubts on whether or not my father's condition is severe enough to fall under the title.

So: As long as I can remember my dad made me uneasy. It seemed like he really loved me and enjoyed my company, but everything I ever did was wrong. The most difficult thing for me as a child was to witness the vicious, unrelenting fights between my parents. I remember always feeling so confused and frightened because my mom would do or say something so neutral and 60 seconds later my dad was slamming doors and calling her things like a "filthy animal." I always felt helpless. As the first-born child of 4, my dad had certain expectations of me that he would be irrationally disappointed about if I didn't uphold. I remember being fearful of going on a sled on a steep hill when it was icy, and  my dad guilting and shaming me into doing it, resulting in me injuring myself. He was compassionate but certainly didn't take blame. My mom once told me that when I was a toddler, we were playing when suddenly I heard the garage door. My face went pale and I suddenly became very anxious. My mother asked me what was wrong and I just kept saying "oh no oh no the door." She told me it was the first time she realized the effect he had on me and the first time she didn't feel alone, because she too always had anxiety upon hearing the garage door. It's a feeling that I still get today when I hear that sound.

I learned early on not to argue with him. I was afraid to say the wrong thing for fear of a vicious attack. His voice was so loud and booming, and it felt impossible not to cry when he was yelling. Because I was always trying to keep him from getting mad, our relationship often felt like one between distant relatives, even though I could sense he wanted to be close to me. I could also tell that he resented my mother because I was so much closer with her.

Sometimes I was completely defenseless against his anger regardless of whether or not I said anything to him. It often felt that no matter what choice I made in any situation, he would think I should have done the opposite. If I ever succeeded at anything, he never acted proud of me, but rather seemed resentful and eager to change the subject or find something within the success to criticize me about.

Often the most painful moments weren't when he yelled directly at me, but when he yelled at my mom about how disappointing I was in front of me. It was always about such tiny things, like me using too much toilet paper or accidentally opening something like a box of cereal before we finished the new one. His anger was much more often passive aggressive towards us (his children), but sometimes I think I would have preferred to be yelled at. He tends to whisper under his breath in a sinister way if we do anything that he doesn't approve of, but if one of us finally gains the courage to confront him about it he seems to genuinely think it didn't happen.

He is excellent at arguing and really always seems to be right. We all tended to trust him on any issue because he commanded authority. As a result, I find it very difficult to make any decision without consulting him, as I don't believe I am capable of doing something right without him. He speaks of himself as if he is virtuous and everyone else in "this house" (as he likes to call it) needs to look up to him, and we always did. We even went as far as to sabotage each other and compete intensely for his affection and approval. The weird thing is that some things (irrational things, at that) would make him extremely anxious and panicked, but it never seemed like weakness because it manifested itself as anger.

I am now 23 and living at home while applying to graduate schools. Things haven't changed much. My dad criticized my eating patterns when I was 18 because I was trying to lose weight by counting calories and ignoring nutritional content, comparing his "pious" eating to my idiotic routine. Today I have what some would call "Orthorexia," which is severe anxiety surrounding food that involves only feeling that healthful and "perfect" eating are acceptable. Yet as a 23 year old woman I hide my health food in my bedroom because I just don't want to deal with the criticism that now comes with me eating "too" healthily.

One last thing--my parents tried couples counseling before I was born, but my dad quit immediately and felt that the therapist was "siding with my mom."

Ultimately it just feels like I will never be able to have a genuine relationship with him. I can't tell if he's malicious or just TOTALLY on a different planet. I have all of this hatred towards him, but I still feel this need to protect him and his feelings. The VERY few times I've tried to even scratch the surface on what's going on with him have resulted in him breaking down and crying (but still totally not understanding) and me wishing I'd never brought it up.

Anyway, thank you SO much for reading this whole thing. I'm very hopeful that a name for this whole thing could make finding resources a lot easier, since my siblings and I have all spent our lives kind of just accepting that our dad is "crazy."

I know this post is very old, but it struck a nerve with me.  You have described the life of my son and I almost to a "T".  Please take a look at my post.  Yes, I do believe your father could be suffering from BPD.  I'm not a Dr., but it looks like some signs are there.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=199621.msg12242187#msg12242187

[GeekyGirl]

Hi ll789,

Welcome!   My goodness, it does sound like living with your father has been difficult. I can imagine that as a child you were very frightened and saddened by your parents' fights, and I know that feeling of not being able to please your parent. It can be very frustrating.

From what you've said, your father does show some BPD traits. Recovering from the abuse the you suffered can be very empowering. You're off to a good start by reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. Have you found anything in there that's been especially helpful?

It's understandable that you'd be angry at your father and want to protect him at the same time. You've mentioned that your father is very critical, which can be very painful. How are you coping?

Please feel free to jump into the conversations here--you'll find that many of us know what you're going through. 

-GG