I've started the leaving process, bittersweet but ready

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well, I've probably said I'm leaving 15-20 times (and thought I meant it) but this time just feels different.

The lack of connection and feelings I have left for him make it so much easier to keep the train moving this time. I was feeling quite sure I was ready to make this decision Sunday night when I saw something that pushed me all the way to 99.9%. A little message popped up on his phone right next to me - "So and so" winked at you - Match.com. Although I couldn't resist the temptation of telling him he was caught, I didn't have that jealous sick hurt feeling that one would expect from seeing this. Instead, I think I laughed and just said wow. Our relationship isn't even cold yet, he's still hinting that I should reconsider, and also checking out his next victim at the same time.

Ok victim is mean. He is sick, this is an illness. But until he takes that seriously and truly takes care of himself and accept some responsibility, he is going to repeat the process.

So, he is looking at apartments, I have started calling realtors to think about getting our house on the market, but at the same time, he is breaking down, and may even be taking short term disability from work. I guess my only real fear at this time is that he will drag his feet on apartment hunting and not actually make the commitment to sign a lease and move out as quickly as he first stated.

Because if there's one thing I learned about him in this relationship is that rationality and promises today = irrationality and broken promises tomorrow.

I care for him, I have emapthy him, but I don't love him anymore. The stress and pain and drama of this relationship have just muted my emotions and made me so indifferent. I'm looking forward to someday moving on and meeting someone whom I can I can SHARE a life with, not have the life suffocated out of me.

[Peace4ME]

Well, I've probably said I'm leaving 15-20 times (and thought I meant it) but this time just feels different.

The lack of connection and feelings I have left for him make it so much easier to keep the train moving this time. I was feeling quite sure I was ready to make this decision Sunday night when I saw something that pushed me all the way to 99.9%. A little message popped up on his phone right next to me - "So and so" winked at you - Match.com. Although I couldn't resist the temptation of telling him he was caught, I didn't have that jealous sick hurt feeling that one would expect from seeing this. Instead, I think I laughed and just said wow. Our relationship isn't even cold yet, he's still hinting that I should reconsider, and also checking out his next victim at the same time.

Ok victim is mean. He is sick, this is an illness. But until he takes that seriously and truly takes care of himself and accept some responsibility, he is going to repeat the process.

So, he is looking at apartments, I have started calling realtors to think about getting our house on the market, but at the same time, he is breaking down, and may even be taking short term disability from work. I guess my only real fear at this time is that he will drag his feet on apartment hunting and not actually make the commitment to sign a lease and move out as quickly as he first stated.

Because if there's one thing I learned about him in this relationship is that rationality and promises today = irrationality and broken promises tomorrow.

I care for him, I have emapthy him, but I don't love him anymore. The stress and pain and drama of this relationship have just muted my emotions and made me so indifferent. I'm looking forward to someday moving on and meeting someone whom I can I can SHARE a life with, not have the life suffocated out of me.

[heartandwhole]

Good for you Peace4Me    I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you and your partner, but I'm glad that you are feeling strong and looking out for yourself.

I can relate to the bittersweetness of it, too.  I think my pwBPD is a great guy, and I feel a lot of warmth and empathy for him, and yet, I was a complete mess during our relationship.  

Good luck to you in your new life