Giving them a taste of their own medicine?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I had to share this experience with members affected by the irrational behaviors often seen in those suffering from intimacy/attachment/abandonment issues. My UD-exbf is known for sabotaging the things I value (internet connection, my appliances, etc.) during his "rages". In the past, he has cut the cords on all my appliances, ripped out the cable modem and took it with him, and remotely changed the configuration on the router. The acts alone are not enough for him as he will call me and say things like "How is your Internet connection working for you" and hang up. Or call and tell me he canceled the cable service (which was a lie after calling them). So, after years of the same old crap, I finally used something against him. I have evidence of his conversations with people at work where he mentions "drinking whiskey" and "eating certain foods", that were ALL lies. He does not touch any alcohol since recovering from a binge lifestyle many years ago, and I cook all the meals in the home and I am certain we didn't eat "a can of Bush's baked beans" for supper. (LOL!). I called him out on this and can not help but notice a huge dichotomy, its ok to ruin other people's lives but they have NO ability to deal with anything anyone dumps on them!  He has a long history of lying about things most people would not consider lying about.

Also, to prevent losing my mind I've turned to humor in dealing with his behavior. I know it sounds horribly cruel and unsupported, but to me its called survival. Now I sit around in my head laughing imagining him telling his boss "If I do not get what I want, I will sabotage your Internet connection!", and imagine him calling his boss and laughing hysterically into the phone and hanging up. This is how this guy deals with life.

[Slave to the binary]

I had to share this experience with members affected by the irrational behaviors often seen in those suffering from intimacy/attachment/abandonment issues. My UD-exbf is known for sabotaging the things I value (internet connection, my appliances, etc.) during his "rages". In the past, he has cut the cords on all my appliances, ripped out the cable modem and took it with him, and remotely changed the configuration on the router. The acts alone are not enough for him as he will call me and say things like "How is your Internet connection working for you" and hang up. Or call and tell me he canceled the cable service (which was a lie after calling them). So, after years of the same old crap, I finally used something against him. I have evidence of his conversations with people at work where he mentions "drinking whiskey" and "eating certain foods", that were ALL lies. He does not touch any alcohol since recovering from a binge lifestyle many years ago, and I cook all the meals in the home and I am certain we didn't eat "a can of Bush's baked beans" for supper. (LOL!). I called him out on this and can not help but notice a huge dichotomy, its ok to ruin other people's lives but they have NO ability to deal with anything anyone dumps on them!  He has a long history of lying about things most people would not consider lying about.

Also, to prevent losing my mind I've turned to humor in dealing with his behavior. I know it sounds horribly cruel and unsupported, but to me its called survival. Now I sit around in my head laughing imagining him telling his boss "If I do not get what I want, I will sabotage your Internet connection!", and imagine him calling his boss and laughing hysterically into the phone and hanging up. This is how this guy deals with life.

[Surnia]

Hi Slave to the binary

His behavior is far beyond a boundary, no doubt. And there is perhaps a certain relief to beat him with his own methods.

I think it is not very healthy however. It is sort of fighting and not really detaching. And there is a risk of escalation instead of deescalation.

I asked you the same question on your first post on the Entry board: Is there really not another solution than living together?

[VeryFree]

A question I've asked myself lots of times if I wanted to do or say something:

"What will I think of myself if I look in the mirror tomorrow?".

With the same result: don't say or do my initial thoughts. It's all about holding your own mind together and don't get sucked into the madness.

[Newton]

Hi Slave to the binary (I'm finding you user name intriguing and may ask you about it via pm )... .  

His behaviour is physically abusive... .  simple... .  

Why haven't you called the police when he is damaging your property?... .  

[Slave to the binary]

Hi Newton (hmm physics extraordinaire?LOL)

The reasons why I haven't called the police are as follows:

-Slightly embarrassed to be in this situation to begin with (neighbors seeing the police at the home)

-His response to me suggesting I need to call the police have all resulted in him telling me there is nothing they can do for me because this is not abuse.

-I am very much alone meaning, my family lives 2 hours away and needless to say, I have formed no friendships in this area.

-Fear of people thinking I am exaggerating by getting the police involved.

Pathetic I know  :'(   

[Newton]

It is far from pathetic... .  it sounds like a situation many of us have found ourselves in... .  

FOG... .  (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)... .  

I understand your fears... .  they are very valid... .  and yet not calling him out on his shocking behaviour is enabling him to continue it... .  it is sending a clear message that there are no consequences to his frightening behaviour... .  

Unless you choose to draw a line in the sand with what you will and won't accept, he will continue to disrespect you and your property... .  it's obvious he isn't capable of regulating his behaviour... .  sounds like it is time for you to look after yourself... .  regardless of the consequences for him.

[seeking balance]

Hi Newton (hmm physics extraordinaire?LOL)

The reasons why I haven't called the police are as follows:

-Slightly embarrassed to be in this situation to begin with (neighbors seeing the police at the home)

-His response to me suggesting I need to call the police have all resulted in him telling me there is nothing they can do for me because this is not abuse.

-I am very much alone meaning, my family lives 2 hours away and needless to say, I have formed no friendships in this area.

-Fear of people thinking I am exaggerating by getting the police involved.

Pathetic I know  :'(   

This is not pathetic, it is quite common thinking by abuse victims.  I know it may be hard for you to wrap your head around, but you are an abuse victim.  And abusers tend to increase their control when you become even more defiant to them.

I don't mean to come across dramatic - but you are teaching him it is ok to treat you this way by not giving him consequences to his actions.  Newton is right on the money with that statement.

As Surnia asked - is there somewhere else you can live?

[Slave to the binary]

Thank you everyone for your insight. No, I own this home, but have family that I spend time with on occasion (overnights). We also have 4 rescue dogs that we've adopted together (they are not placed in danger's way except for the psychological toll its taking on them). He has no friends and cut off his family years ago (believe me, he had to... .  horribly dysfunctional situation). He has slept in his office already and after a few times, appeared to not be bothered by it anymore? He even signed up for Hulu Plus while overnight in the office and forgot to cancel it? I guess I also forgot to mention he physically refuses to leave. Its been this way for years. I used to feel sorry for him because he seriously can not take care of himself anymore. He sees a therapist but only reveals what he wants and some how "forgets" to tell him about these sabotage events. He was called out on being delusional for staying in someone's home when they ask you to leave. He just dissociates and life goes on. The only time he reports feeling like its time to end this is when I retaliate on him (like calling him out on lies to his co-workers, etc.). Then suddenly its too much for him to handle. I do not know where to turn anymore. My family has offered many times to come down here and "take care of him" if you know what I mean. His response is to let them place their hands on him so he can sue? I was thinking of calling crisis the next time he rages and see if this will scare him. He seems to know we are isolated and his behaviors are not witnessed by anyone else, therefore he gets away with it.

I've had so much wonderful support today and am truly appreciative to each and every one of you caring virtual people. 

[Newton]

I for one feel your situation is rather more serious than I appreciated... .  

It sounds like this person is living in your personal space... .  and using you... .  is that a fair summmary of how things are?... .  If not, what are you getting from this in return?... .  

I appreciate how your family want to "take care" of things... .  and it seems like he is waiting for that opportunity so he strengthens his position even more... .  

People here can help you formulate a plan, that will last... .  it seems like you need one... .  

[seeking balance]

You are posting on the leaving board - is it safe to assume you want him to leave your house?

Are you married or domestic partners?

Does he have a rental agreement with your or is he on the title to the house?

[LoveNotWar]

Slave to the binary,

I understand why you haven't called the police, I felt the same way. Embarrassed, ashamed and a little scared.

Then, gradually, I lost respect for myself because I was lying to cover for him. I became depressed.

Many times my Ex's behavior was dangerous and hurtful to me but it took  the neighbors calling him in. The cops intervened, arrested him, took my statement... .  he went to court and then he was convicted of a felony.

I really wish I would have ended the r/s much earlier than I did. It would have saved us both a world of hurt!