How do you believe?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

How do you believe what they say?

After the long "talk" three nights ago with my dBPDh, he left still undecided. "Second-guessing" he called it. He showed up determined to break up (he even said) "I THINK I want a divorce" but he left undecided. Or so he says. I guess that's why I am switching between the Staying and Undecided Boards.

I'm Staying (if given the chance)

He's Undecided (supposedly)

It's INFURIATING that he expresses this as HIS issues ... . And I know they're his issues but his actions feel like he makes them mine. His three reasons were "I can't trust you", "I can't do this ... .  ", "I can't do that ... .  " I want to SCREAM at him - if they're YOUR problems, then leaving ME won't help!  You'll still have them, if not with me then with someone else!

He said (three night ago) - "I'll stay in contact".  He said "I love you too" when I told him I love him (is that just an automatic response?  I hope not. When he's like this he doesn't always respond that way. Sometimes he says nothing. )

The thing that killed me is he said he still needed to be alone to "process" all this but he needed to take something for work with him. He put his hand on my upper arm and stroked it with his thumb for a moment and said "I don't want you to freak out when you see me go get a bag." 

!

You don't want me to freak out when I see you get a bag?  You've been gone for a week following our anniversary trip / late honeymoon!  You've just come over and told me you THINK you want a divorce (during which I maintained my composure) but you don't want me to freak out about a bag?

!

It reminds me of the last time he left. This was before we were married or living together. We got in an argument (about nothing). He stopped calling. This was #3 so this time I didn't chase. I maintained NC. Three weeks later I get a half-arsed apology via email. I ignore it. He calls a mutual friend of ours and asks if she thinks he is an ___. She says yes. He says ":)on't you want to hear my side of the story?"  She says no. He says "You don't know what I've been through and I'm still angry!"

What HE has been through?  HE stopped calling me. HE literally dumped me via FACEBOOK by changing his relationship status. HE ran away. HE couldn't talk about it. What HE has been through ?

Anyway ... .   

And yes, he's stayed in contact.  I've gotten four matter of fact texts in three days. The only one with any "emotion" said "I'm still completely confused about us. What about you?"  When I reiterated my position. Staying. Committed. Love you. (In three short sentences) I got nothing in response.

And he's gone again for another week at work.

I think I'm in the denial stage ... .  Sometimes I feel terrible (crying, hurt). Sometimes I feel ok (you have to wait this out I say to myself, you know how he is, he can't help it -- I WANT to believe that SO BAD!). But I think I'm ok sometimes because his stuff is still here. His clothes are still in the closet. I'm still sleeping in our bed (which was his before we were married). I see his towel hanging next to the shower every morning.

Do we NONs cycle through the grief stages in order while BPDs cycle through them out of order or in reverse?

Me: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

My H: Depression. Acceptance. Bargaining.  (Maybe anger and denial are ever-present on a daily basis just under the surface)?

I feel so lost and powerless.

[MockingbirdHL]

How do you believe what they say?

After the long "talk" three nights ago with my dBPDh, he left still undecided. "Second-guessing" he called it. He showed up determined to break up (he even said) "I THINK I want a divorce" but he left undecided. Or so he says. I guess that's why I am switching between the Staying and Undecided Boards.

I'm Staying (if given the chance)

He's Undecided (supposedly)

It's INFURIATING that he expresses this as HIS issues ... . And I know they're his issues but his actions feel like he makes them mine. His three reasons were "I can't trust you", "I can't do this ... .  ", "I can't do that ... .  " I want to SCREAM at him - if they're YOUR problems, then leaving ME won't help!  You'll still have them, if not with me then with someone else!

He said (three night ago) - "I'll stay in contact".  He said "I love you too" when I told him I love him (is that just an automatic response?  I hope not. When he's like this he doesn't always respond that way. Sometimes he says nothing. )

The thing that killed me is he said he still needed to be alone to "process" all this but he needed to take something for work with him. He put his hand on my upper arm and stroked it with his thumb for a moment and said "I don't want you to freak out when you see me go get a bag." 

!

You don't want me to freak out when I see you get a bag?  You've been gone for a week following our anniversary trip / late honeymoon!  You've just come over and told me you THINK you want a divorce (during which I maintained my composure) but you don't want me to freak out about a bag?

!

It reminds me of the last time he left. This was before we were married or living together. We got in an argument (about nothing). He stopped calling. This was #3 so this time I didn't chase. I maintained NC. Three weeks later I get a half-arsed apology via email. I ignore it. He calls a mutual friend of ours and asks if she thinks he is an ___. She says yes. He says ":)on't you want to hear my side of the story?"  She says no. He says "You don't know what I've been through and I'm still angry!"

What HE has been through?  HE stopped calling me. HE literally dumped me via FACEBOOK by changing his relationship status. HE ran away. HE couldn't talk about it. What HE has been through ?

Anyway ... .   

And yes, he's stayed in contact.  I've gotten four matter of fact texts in three days. The only one with any "emotion" said "I'm still completely confused about us. What about you?"  When I reiterated my position. Staying. Committed. Love you. (In three short sentences) I got nothing in response.

And he's gone again for another week at work.

I think I'm in the denial stage ... .  Sometimes I feel terrible (crying, hurt). Sometimes I feel ok (you have to wait this out I say to myself, you know how he is, he can't help it -- I WANT to believe that SO BAD!). But I think I'm ok sometimes because his stuff is still here. His clothes are still in the closet. I'm still sleeping in our bed (which was his before we were married). I see his towel hanging next to the shower every morning.

Do we NONs cycle through the grief stages in order while BPDs cycle through them out of order or in reverse?

Me: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

My H: Depression. Acceptance. Bargaining.  (Maybe anger and denial are ever-present on a daily basis just under the surface)?

I feel so lost and powerless.

[Rose Tiger]

It is crazy making.  Something so important, something that needs stability for a person to feel ok and they are saying "I dunno, I'm unsure, maybe I want to leave, maybe not".  Acccckkkk.

The acceptance a non has to make is the disordered partner can never be an dependable emotional support.  It's got to come from someplace else, from yourself, from a support network of friends and family.  From a counselor.  Accepting that Mr. wishy washy is going to continue to be wishy washy.  It's so easy for them to say, I think I want it to be over.  And then it's over.  Then they come back around thinking they want to be together.  This is what you can depend on.  Wish wash.

[hithere]

How do you believe what they say?

The reason it is so hard is because they actually believe a lot of the crazy things they say/promise.  But really you can't... .