Did I do the wrong thing?

[Rameses]

I need some help here make sure that my thinking is straight.

I'm the one that broke off the engagement.

I'm the one that walked away.

The advice I got early on was not to answer any of her attempts at contact because any reasoning would not compute with her.

In a 2 1/2 month period she made well over 200 attempts to contact me by text phone or email.

I only responded to two of them and that was very briefly.

I was told any response would give her a glimmer of hope and it would open up the floodgates and keep my pain very present and in a vicious cycle.

Seven days ago I blocked her from everything, she has no way of getting a hold of me.

But I'm not naïve, I know if she really wanted to, she is slick enough to find a way.

But now I'm doubting if the way I handled this has been cruel and unusual punishment.

This rollar coaster ride Is exhausting, I have two good days and  like I'm on top of this thing, the next day I wake up and feel like I have fallen back into the black hole.

[laelle]

Hey Rocky,

If your ex has BPD she is looking for someone to empty her emotions on to.  She is boiling over with pain, guilt, shame and she cant soothe herelf.

She is seeking comfort and soothing.  She needs a way to stabilize herself.  She does that through other people.  It is for HER, not you. 

She doesnt mean to be like this.  Its the way that she learned to survive.  You are an object.  Maybe even her favorite object, but your needs, desires, wants

are not really important to her.  I wonder why I ever thought this was ok for me to accept.

I know its hard and it sucks, but why put your love into someone who can not truly love you back?  You deserve someone who can love you.

I am so sorry that your ex is ill, just like I am sorry my ex is ill.  I cant save him.  He has to save himself.  If he doesnt want to, there is nothing I can do

to help him.

As co dependents our goal is to love and be loved.  We feel that if we are good enough we will earn that love.  We try harder and harder.  It makes us feel good to do good for others.  Let me put it plainly.  You cant be good enough for her.  You will take her bad, and she will take your good.  Its one sided.  A healthy relationship is when both give and take.  Good + Crazy = Crazy... .  ALWAYS

She is sick, she cant help it.  You will lose yourself in her crazy world and drown in it.

Hang in there.  If your ex is BPD, its better to let her go.  Its the healthiest thing that you can do for both of you.

Laelle 

[mary_sunshine]

Great post, Laelie. You have a lot of great insights.

[Alvino]

Rocky,

I know how easy it is to start second-guessing oneself over no-contact. But no-contact is not "cruel" and not "punishment" either if you are serious about it.

It is disengaging from a relationship that was not healthy. I would stick with the no-contact. Focus on your life and yourself, keep busy and the thoughts will calm down over time.

Good luck.

[Hurt llama]

I have a similar story and still am in the midst of 'withdrawal' after a couple of weeks of painful agonizing symptoms.

During the most painful parts, I would block all contact (even if she was most likely not contacting me). (each relationship is different of course).

But I did it to reduce my anxiety of even 'looking forward' to her contact, even if it could ultimately be nothing good at this point.

But the 'end game' is for me to detach in such a way, and to take back power so that I am not vulnerable to her attempts at reconnecting that most likely will take place. If not now, then in a couple of weeks, months or maybe even years.

At one point, even though she lives far away, just the fantasy of ever seeing her again or imagining the discomfort of being with another woman or her wiht another man, made me sick to my stomach... .  and now, I have a strong glimpse that I am in control and I do imagine myself handling anything with her fine.

I'd be normal and treat or speak to her as I would an old acquaintance.

Who knows? I still might block her but it could be seen by her as either a angry act or a weak one... .  It doesn't really matter in the end but for my own healing, I want to be at the point where it doesn't matter. I owe her nothing.

Stay Strong.