BPD Parent and Covert Incest

[leftbehind]

Okay, this is a hard post to write.  I usually post on the "Leaving" board about my ex.  But I'm identifying that most likely my father is BPD as well.

One of my friends who works as a mental health professional, and has had a lot of contact with my father both when we were kids and as an adult, has suggested that he's a clinical case of BPD.

My father covertly sexually incested me from a young age.  I say covert instead of overt because I don't have memories of physical molestation.  But I remember him taking me to inappropriate movies starting at age 11.  I was big for my age, and was with an adult so no-one questioned it. I remember him taking me to another age inappropriate movie that people were actually picketing against for it's lewdness when I was around the same age.  He pretended to thank the man for warning him about the movie, then drove around the corner to the other entrance so we could see the film.  Neither movies were anything I wanted to see, they were his choices. And he didn't leave when the sex was revealed in the movie, he just sat next to me and remarked on how disgusting it all was.

I could go on.  He made me his confidant, advisor, his counsellor as he told me all about the ways he'd been victimized.  He turned me against my mother by telling me how unappreciative she was.  He told me I was the only one who understood him. He showed me affection that truly bordered on the romantic, to the point where others in my family commented on how inappropriate it was (but did nothing to stop it).  He refused to shut the bathroom door, and was invasive of my privacy.

I could go on and on... .  

My father is in his 70's, and wears the mask of the poor little old man.  He has to charm everyone for attention, and everyone feels sorry for this little old man whose children ignore him. 

He also repeatedly lies about the smallest of things.

When he dies there will be a long line of people wanting to tell me off for neglecting this amazing man.  The truth is, they don't know the real him.

I am in contact with my father, talk on the phone once a week (sometimes more, sometimes less) take him out to eat every once in a while, spend holidays with him, and drive him to doctor's appointments when he needs to go.  But I keep the contact to a minimum. 

I feel like a bad person for not doing more for him.  I keep telling myself that I'll give him more attention, etc.  But if I'm not feeling absolutely strong that day, I avoid him for fear of being drained.  It is what it is.  I'm sick of blaming myself for not being a better daughter to him.  I often feel the sick dynamic that he imposed on our relationship ruined my life.  So I would like to completely let myself off the hook for my failures.  Not blame everything on him, but stop feeling like I'm bad, flawed, doomed to be alone, damaged goods.  I always feel like I mess up my love relationships, or pick damaged people like my father.  I just want to forgive myself, and realize that under the circumstances I was trying to do my best.

[nomom4me]

Hi LeftBehind... .  I'm sorry you had these circumstances growing up.  When I read your post I was reminded of this article on another site, it sounds like this woman had some circumstances like yours with your dad;

https://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/it-happened-to-me-i-watched-porn-with-my-dad-when-i-was-a-kid

Hope that helps, reading about other peoples experiences that are close to mine has been very validating for me.  You mentioned feeling an obligation you your dad, there is a commonly used acronym here - FOG, for fear, obligation and guilt.  Getting out of the FOG is easier said than done but it's worth the effort! More info on FOG can be found here

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Although we didn't all have the same experiences, I think lots of people here can empathize with how difficult and scary it is to be open about dark family secrets.  This is a safe space, use common sense about not giving too many details about your location or any other info specific to your family but don't worry about being judged here.  We are all on the path to healing together.  Sometimes the boards are busy, sometimes it's quiet here - don't take it personally.

[leftbehind]

thank you so much nomom4me.  I will definitely check out the article you posted.  I appreciate your response .  It is really hard to be open about this dark stuff.  but at least I'm looking for the root cause of all this pain, instead of focusing just on the exBPDbf.  He was only another link in the chain, not the original metal that the chain was forged out of.

[Kwamina]

Hi leftbehind,

I'm very sorry your father treated you like this. Some of the things you describe remind me of what is often referred to as 'emotional incest'. Other things like how he made you sit on his lap, I personally would even consider as overt incest. This behavior is very disturbing.

I understand how difficult it is to have people telling you how bad of person you are. What helps me is keep reminding myself that those people really don’t know what they’re talking about because they don’t know our parents the way we know them. BPD’s are often extremely good in manipulating others and often only show one side of themselves to outsiders (neighbors, doctors etc.). We their children unfortunately are often the only ones who get to see what lies underneath their masks. This is a very isolating experience, but like you’ve undoubtedly already seen on this website is that there are a lot of us who know what you’re going through.

There are things you can do about your negative internal dialogue. Have you ever read about cognitive behavior therapy (CBT)? The basic idea is to write down any negative thoughts about yourself and right next to it write a rational response to combat this negativity. In essence this is a very simple technique, but I’ve found it very powerful. I don’t think you’re a bad person at all, in fact considering the things he’s done to you, many people would say you’re doing more for him than he deserves. You’ve been through a lot and this covert or emotional incest is something very disturbing and difficult to handle.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi leftbehind,

You're not a bad person for not doing more for your father. The boundaries you're setting for yourself (not bringing him to your home, limiting contact) sound very reasonable, and hopefully that will bring you some peace.

Kwamina has given you some excellent advice. It's really, really important that you do let yourself off of the hook and not blame yourself for being more involved with your father. What he did to you as a child wasn't right. It was cruel and had to have made a lasting impression on you.

As for what other people think, Kwamina is right--they didn't know what happened behind closed doors. Are the people that you're worried about (the neighbor and the doctor in particular) important to you? Without knowing what your father did to you, they couldn't possibly understand what you've been through. As hard as it is, I'd try to move on without trying to get their approval.

Are you in any kind of therapy for yourself? You've been through some traumatic things and it doesn't hurt to work through this with someone who can help you work through these feelings.