Introduction - daughter of BPD mother

[Islandgrl]

Hi all

I'm the daughter of a BPD mother who has never had any specific treatment for her BPD.  I was the classic "all bad" child and now I have little contact with my mother.  I am now 20 weeks pregnant with my first child and I want to do more to deal with my childhood so I can be sure to be a good mother to my little one.  Looking forward to chatting to others on here.  

Islandgrl

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi islandgrl,

A very warm welcome to you!  Congratulations on your pregnancy.  I commend you for wanting to be the best mom you can be.  You have come to the right place for support.  There are people here who also have a parent with BPD - you are not alone.  Things can get better, and we are here to support you.

Here is a link that might help you on your healing journey:

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Have you had any professional help with your family of origin issues?  Do you have a good support network, like a partner, friends?

Keep writing, it helps to share - and we care.

heartandwhole

[Islandgrl]

Hi hearts

Thanks for the response.  I haven't had any professional help with my family of origin, financially I've never felt like I could spare the money but I think it would help if I could find the right therapist.  I currently work overseas so it's difficult as my friends and partner are back in my country of origin.  I'll likely have to go back when my baby is born which will mean leaving my job in a difficult market.  So there's a lot of change which is daunting but I'm delighted to be having my baby and looking forward to a new start. My pregnancy is bringing is up issues from my own childhood and I'm worried it will affect my parenting.  So I am keen to deal with things and try to make sure I can be a good mother and have a good relationship with my daughter.   

[Clearmind]

Good for you and you are right – our own childhood can impact us as parents.

The key to good parenting is to permit a child to feel and validate. A child’s emotions are raw, whole and fearless – nurture it by using positive validation and remove the need to be enmeshed. 

Fabulous book: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=166930.0

[lucky blue jay]

Hi!

Congrats on your baby! What an exciting journey! 

I know it's difficult to live with a mom who has BPD. It can be really hurtful and frustrating. I think sometimes it would be easier to just cut off all contact. For me that's is hard to do because I still want to see my dad and sibs. To do that, I have to have some incidental contact.

I worry about being a good mom, too. I know I don't want to pass on dysfunction to my son. I want him to be happy and healthy in all ways. I don't want him to have to deal with all I have dealt with. I don't have any answers yet, but I'm glad you're here. I think participating on this board shows that you are committed to being a great mom. That is admirable.

All the best,

Lucky

[skelly_bean]

Hi Islandgrl~!

Congratulations on your baby! I have often felt at a loss when I think about what kind of mother I would be. I guess my rule of thumb would be "WWMD?" and then do the opposite hahah.

I hope that you find lots of support and answers here and that you find a good therapist too. Therapy is very helpful for me. 

[Islandgrl]

Thanks Lucky and Skelly

Skelly - I think that's often my rule of thumb too, in fact my BPD mother often screeches " you don't have to do the opposite just because I said something".  Heh! It's not quite as bad as that in reality but my books tell me I need to get to a stage where I can trust myself to do one thing or another without being influenced by my mothers behaviour. I think I still have a lot of anger tho although I've come a long way so it worries me that ill end up raging at my daughter the way my mother raged at me.  I would really hate that.  Also, my baby is very much wanted and I am in my late 30s but things are not ideal with the father and there are stepchildren involved who live with him too.  So there are other stresses as well as not having much of a foundation from my own childhood.  But I've come through a lot and ill do my very best with my daughter.

It's great to come on here and find so much support. It was about a year or two ago when I read my first book about BPD and I was blown away by how much it fitted my mother.  I spent so long feeling alone and frustrated and it amazed me at first to think that the way my mother was is an actual disorder that other people have and that others would understand how I felt.  At the moment everyone keeps asking me what my mother said about my pregnancy but I haven't told her yet and don't plan to until much later on.