A lttle advise on if I should share with my daughter

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

The other day I receive this text from my wife - how she is going to ask that I am forced to sell the house (which is listed under one of my assetts) so she can pay off her CC debt.  I don't respond and get about 6 more texts.  Finally she asks if she should contact a relator or if we have to go through attorneys.  Still I don't asnswer - then I receive this text again are we going to do this as adults or do we need to go through attorney.  I finally respond this will need to go through the attorney.  She then starts to rant and rave how she is going to tell our daughter how I am kicking her (daughter 13) out of her childhood home and that I am forcing my wife to sell the house.  UGH! - my question is that she pulls this type of crap all the time and I'm getting sick of it.  Should I share the texts with my daughter and let her see the truth - or should I share this info with my daughters councilor and get her advise on if or when I should share this with my daughter.  I want to keep the house and should be able too - I have no intentions of selling the house.  Any advise of anyone who has had to deal with this or how their situation turned out?

[cal644]

The other day I receive this text from my wife - how she is going to ask that I am forced to sell the house (which is listed under one of my assetts) so she can pay off her CC debt.  I don't respond and get about 6 more texts.  Finally she asks if she should contact a relator or if we have to go through attorneys.  Still I don't asnswer - then I receive this text again are we going to do this as adults or do we need to go through attorney.  I finally respond this will need to go through the attorney.  She then starts to rant and rave how she is going to tell our daughter how I am kicking her (daughter 13) out of her childhood home and that I am forcing my wife to sell the house.  UGH! - my question is that she pulls this type of crap all the time and I'm getting sick of it.  Should I share the texts with my daughter and let her see the truth - or should I share this info with my daughters councilor and get her advise on if or when I should share this with my daughter.  I want to keep the house and should be able too - I have no intentions of selling the house.  Any advise of anyone who has had to deal with this or how their situation turned out?

[Validation78]

Hi Cal!

What you adults do between the two of you should stay between the two of you. It has nothing to do with your daughter. Parents playing one againist the other is damaging to the child, and although you cannot stop her mom from doing it, you can decide right here and now, not to do the same. It will be hard to resist the urge to engage this way, and you may even have to deal with looking like the bad guy in the eyes of your daughter, however, if you are consistant, and never speak badly of her mom, or try to make her take sides, in the long run, you will be better for it, and so will your daughter.  She will become an adult some day, and remember this all. Kids have an uncanny ability to blame themselves for everything, and the best thing you can do i remind her that this is not her fault, and that you love her, and it's alright to love both you and her mom, no matter what.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[FindingMe2011]

The other day I receive this text from my wife - how she is going to ask that I am forced to sell the house (which is listed under one of my assetts) so she can pay off her CC debt.  I don't respond and get about 6 more texts.  Finally she asks if she should contact a relator or if we have to go through attorneys.  Still I don't asnswer - then I receive this text again are we going to do this as adults or do we need to go through attorney.  I finally respond this will need to go through the attorney.

 May I suggest you just lay down the sword. You understand the results from this person, when they dont get the answers they are expecting. There are no winners, when you respond, and looking for validation through your 13 yr old daughter, is not going to help you for very long either. The victory will be short lived. Ive been in your exact position, and putting your child in the middle, is not a wise choice. The mental illness will speak for itself, in due time. Your daughter has been made to endure a situation, in which she has had no voice, or control, in the outcome. You have an opportunity to be the parent, you never could have been, with this other person. The more you focus on this, the sooner you and your daughters lives can stabilize... .  When you respond 2 things can happen. If its an answer she wants to hear, she gets her way and it strokes her ego, at the price of yours. If its an answer she doesnt want to hear, you get this. If you havent been to temporary orders hearing yet, save these text, so when you do get in front of the judge, you can request, contact only through emails, and only concerning the kids. Phone calls or text, for medical emergencies only. I personally, blocked my exs' number, to stop the text, and conversations and told her of only email contact, about 2 yrs ago. It helps to keep the chaos, at arms length. When your daughter brings this subject up, I would respond something like this. " Im really sorry you are having to go through this whole ordeal. Im not really sure how any of this is going to turn out sweetheart, but if I have any control over it, I wouldnt sell the house.

She then starts to rant and rave how she is going to tell our daughter how I am kicking her (daughter 13) out of her childhood home and that I am forcing my wife to sell the house.

Is this really a surprise?... .  What is it about her illness, that you dont understand. If there is one thing I have learned. There is an order, to all disorder. The episode may change, but its still the same dance. Almost like a sitcom, or soap opera.

UGH! - my question is that she pulls this type of crap all the time and I'm getting sick of it.  Should I share the texts with my daughter and let her see the truth - or should I share this info with my daughters councilor and get her advise on if or when I should share this with my daughter.

OK, so you are now tired of the behavior, you have allowed for how long?... .  You are now expecting a person with a childs mentality, to stop this type of behavior, that you have allowed  in the past. Good luck. The only behavior, you have the ability to control, is your own. Focusing on hers, will only have one outcome. The dance will continue.

Should I share the texts with my daughter and let her see the truth - or should I share this info with my daughters councilor and get her advise on if or when I should share this with my daughter.

I suggest you share this with the counselor. Im going to go out on a limb, and say that the odds are pretty good, your daughter doesnt want to get in the middle of her divorcing parents, pissing match, over the house.

Any advise of anyone who has had to deal with this or how their situation turned out?

That still remains to be seen. Im 2 1/2 yrs separated, and 10 months divorced. I communicate through emails only, and the ex seems to one up her last episode, periodically. Its no longer a surprise. The real test will be whom my 2 daughters (now 12 and 14), decide to have relationships with, and how healthy these relationships are. This will tell me how the situation turned out... .  I wish you well... .  PEACE

[pessim-optimist]

Cal,

thought of you for some reason today with a sense of urgency. (I read and posted on a few of your posts earlier this year, and I normally post on the 'Supporting a Son or Daughter' board.)

I have a few book suggestions for you, that might prove to be crucial in your battle to keep your kids' affection and to not loose everything in the divorce.

My husband has an ex, who we suspect has BPD and also one of his daughters. He went through a horrendous divorce, and the kids were forever destroyed. Not to even mention his reputation finances etc.

I haven't read all of your posts, so maybe it is going to be redundant. But I'd rather be redundant than not share what might prove to be important info that could help you.

I have read a book that I think should be 'mandatory reading' for all persons divorcing a pwBPD: it's called "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder" by Bill Eddy LCSW JD, Randi Kreger

Also, a very important point: psychologists say that telling your kids bad stuff about your ex (even if it's true) will likely boomerang on you. I TOTALLY understand your need to protect yourself from your stbex's attacks.

It has been my experience in our situation that the man in general tends to try to set the record straight, and it comes back to haunt him, while the female BPD stbex says all kinds of nicely victim-sounding emotionally wrapped lies that end up being believed (HOW UNFAIR! - but that's life  ). And the father's angry incredulous attempts to defend himself only prove her point that the man is the 'bad guy'.

And thus starts PA (parental alienation) or PAS (parental alienation syndrome) - these are not bona-fide diagnosies (that has been controversial), but there is a lot of info regarding this on the internet and how to battle it. Also two books, that deal with this:

Divorce Casualties, Second Edition: Understanding Parental Alienation by Douglas Darnall

Beyond Divorce Casualties: Reunifying the Alienated Family by Ph.D. Darnall Douglas

I wish we had this info years ago.

All the best, hope to help you prevent, what we couldn't in our family... .