Important Dates?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just wondering if anyone else notices a pattern of outbursts / explosions / withdrawals around holidays or important dates?  In the past six months my BPDH has systematically ruined Christmas, New Years, my daughters bday (Jan), his bday (Feb) and our one year wedding anniversary (last week) with his behaviours.   If he comes back this time ... .  He left last night ... .  The next will be his brothers bday (June - although his brother, and only sibling, committed suicide 17 years ago) and my bday in July.

[MockingbirdHL]

Just wondering if anyone else notices a pattern of outbursts / explosions / withdrawals around holidays or important dates?  In the past six months my BPDH has systematically ruined Christmas, New Years, my daughters bday (Jan), his bday (Feb) and our one year wedding anniversary (last week) with his behaviours.   If he comes back this time ... .  He left last night ... .  The next will be his brothers bday (June - although his brother, and only sibling, committed suicide 17 years ago) and my bday in July.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Yes, dates are important according to what the date holds.  Anniversary of death, birthday of deceased, etc.  All of these are triggers to my pwBPD.  Current occasions as well.

CiF

[schwing]

This is a behavior I have observed many many times from the many pwBPD in my life: family members not being able to attend important celebratory events (such as birthdays, graduation, etc), or love ones attracting negative attention on a day that is technically not about them (such as one birthdays, holidays, other people's weddings, etc).  I used to attribute this behavior to these date reminding our BPD loved ones how connected they are to us, and that reminder of intimacy triggers their disordered feelings.

Now, I wonder if it's more than that.  "Important dates" are important because they help us remember what is important in our lives be it love, family, intimacy, etc... .  I think now the key word is "remember."  Remember is not a pleasant verb for someone whose modus operandi is to run away from, to forget, to disconnect from, to start all over... .  

For pwBPD, each failed relationship they suffer through is another piece of evidence that they are deeply flawed when it comes to participating in relationships.  A piece of evidence that they might choose to deny, to forget.

I think it stems from an inability or unwillingness to face their primary abandonment trauma; how can they heal from an injury they choose not to come to terms with?

When people process/come to terms with grief, anniversaries are very powerful occasions that provoke visceral feelings, and IMO, it's not a coincidence that it seems to me that pwBPD don't seem to be able to grieve well if at all.