epiphany

[laelle]

I got into this relationship because I have the NEED to see good in other people.  It gives me value.  I probably got this from my childhood where I felt misunderstood and valueless.

If someone could have seen the good in me then I would have had value.

I wanted someone to "rescue" that poor hurt, valueless, little girl, and no one came.  I wanted to heal that little girl by saving him.  He represented to me the hurt little girl who needed saving.  No one looked beyond my exterior for the valuable person, the good person I was.  I had the NEED to look beyond the exterior of who he was and see the good in him.  The bad gets split or even encouraged because it plays even more into the "seeing the good in people" script I was playing out. (my child script)

He played right into that script.  Poor, valueless, hurt guy who needed a break.  Needed someone to cut him some slack and see the good in him.

Ok, I can see how i got hooked... .  now why did I stay?

It so simple yet I could not see it.

I have a CORE need to be good enough, but as good as I am, I can not be good enough for him because he projects on to me his CORE pain, guilt, shame that he cant process. I will always be the bad guy.  So I keep chasing my tail trying to be good enough to get my reward (value) from someone who will forever see me as not good enough because of his own mental illness.

I was in a relationship that could not give me the value I NEEDED.  The moral of this story is that we can not get our Value from other people or we end up chasing our tails trying to be good enough.

The end... .  

[whereisthezen]

I'm glad you had your epiphany, it is always wonderful to see our past, present and future clearer than before.

Today was a good day for you, you are speaking your truth and it comes through loud and clear and healthy for you.

Sometimes the ingredients didnt make a good meal but if you switch a few things out it can be a great meal.

He wasn't right for what you need, you'll find what you need to feel whole again, and when you are, you'll chose a better person who will value who you are every day. 

[changingme]

Interesting... .  I have this NEED too, aside from being the "helper" I also had these needs you described.

I too believe I was very misunderstood growing up and missing direction in life and I think I was trying to prove something to everyone: my ex, family, friends, the world that I am a great person.  That I am good enough.  

[maria1]

Hi Laelle

Great post- great epiphany. I love epiphanies, read a Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man for A level English. Full of em.

So me too, as I'm sure I don't need to tell you.I always see the good in someone somewhere, always. I never thought of this as a need until I just read your post though but of course it's a need if I do it against my better judgement and against my own safety.

Good for you Laelle. You are filling yourself up with your own value. One day you will be overflowing in it. You so deserve to be. The really crazy thing is you saw the goodness outside of you but not inside you. Maybe it's a type of splitting in a wayush it away from ourselves. That's so unfair on you when you have so much good in you.

[LetItBe]

Laelle, you sound so clear and strong.  It's evident in your posts that you've been doing a lot of inner work lately.

I think most of us tend to love others the way we want to be loved.  No matter how good we are or how much we loved our ex's, it's like we were pouring our love into a sieve, and as soon as one hole was plugged, another one would come unplugged.  No amount of love would be enough to heal them, sadly.  Now, we can use our energy to love ourselves the way we've always deserved to be loved. 

[sheepdog]

Can you guys elaborate on this, please:  "I always see the good in someone somewhere, always. I never thought of this as a need... .  "

[LetItBe]

Can you guys elaborate on this, please:  "I always see the good in someone somewhere, always. I never thought of this as a need... .  "

In the case of abused or neglected children, they can split the bad behaviors of their parents in order to remain attached and survive.  So, when they grow up, they may tend to split the bad in other people and remain attached to unhealthy relationships.  If we split the bad, we are only left with the good.

[tcevans78]

I always found myself seeking "helping" professions, too.  It was validating to be adding meaning to the world.  I had no idea how to help myself, though.  I think I've met quite a few therapists that seem to be that way.  And the problem is that I was the worst kind of person to be in the helping field because I lacked boundaries and burned out. 

[maria1]

Sheepdog- just to expand. I find good in everyone. I believe fundamentally that human beings don't mean to be bad but that we react to our experiences. The other day I found myself angry at the news. I was angry with people on their doing various horrible stuff. Usually I just feel sad. Even people doing the worst things I think something has happened to them to get them to that point.

I never thought of my doing that as a 'need' in me to see good in people. I just thought I did.

So even when my ex is horrible to me I end up softening. If anyone I'd I end up forgiving, because my head eventually tells me that they can't help the way they are.

There are some people I don't do this with. These people need to have hurt those that I love. I don't forgive them- I know it's not safe to.

It doesn't make sense.

[changingme]

Sheepdog- just to expand. I find good in everyone. I believe fundamentally that human beings don't mean to be bad but that we react to our experiences... .  

I never thought of my doing that as a 'need' in me to see good in people. I just thought I did.

So even when my ex is horrible to me I end up softening. If anyone I'd I end up forgiving, because my head eventually tells me that they can't help the way they are.

This is exactly how I feel.  I too didn't realize I had this need until I read this post. It is too painful and upsetting to focus on the bad in people.  I tend to loose hope when I have to "give up" on people or have to accept that they are just not good.  Eventually I soften as well.  I also believe there is a reason they are like that, something happened to them in their past. 

@tcevans78 - I too am working towards a helping profession & outside of that I feel I am always emotionally helping everyone around me.  It does become exhausting.  I have learned to have more boundaries on how involved I become with others issues and what I subject myself to. 

[laelle]

You have a need to be "good", you cant be "good" for someone with BPD because they project their "bad" on to you.  You keep trying harder and harder to be "good" to get your reward. (value for me)

You cant because to them you will always become "bad"

We stay in the relationship because we never get to finish the script.  We never get the good or the value we NEED.  We wont ever get that.

Either they get help or someone abandons the other.  Even if they abandon you, they will just turn it around to you abandoning them.  Its part of their script.

Accept that you are good and valuable and you dont need him or her to tell you that.  Love yourself.

I use to get really confused when my ex and I would make up.  He would always say "yeah, I finished that game after you dumped me"  Me?  He doesnt see that his actions

actually dumped me.  I was happy in the relationship for the most part when he turns on me.

[LetItBe]

You have a need to be "good", you cant be "good" for someone with BPD because they project their "bad" on to you.  You keep trying harder and harder to be "good" to get your reward. (value for me)

You cant because to them you will always become "bad"

We stay in the relationship because we never get to finish the script.  We never get the good or the value we NEED.  We wont ever get that.

Either they get help or someone abandons the other.  Even if they abandon you, they will just turn it around to you abandoning them.  Its part of their script.

Accept that you are good and valuable and you dont need him or her to tell you that.  Love yourself.

I use to get really confused when my ex and I would make up.  He would always say "yeah, I finished that game after you dumped me"  Me?  He doesnt see that his actions

actually dumped me.  I was happy in the relationship for the most part when he turns on me.

YES to ALL of this!

[laelle]

You would not believe what a massive headache I got from figuring that all out.  

Trying to pinpoint how unconscious feelings play into things is hard.  

Its like astronomers detecting planets by the gravitational pull of other things around it.

[sheepdog]

Sheepdog- just to expand. I find good in everyone. I believe fundamentally that human beings don't mean to be bad but that we react to our experiences. The other day I found myself angry at the news. I was angry with people on their doing various horrible stuff. Usually I just feel sad. Even people doing the worst things I think something has happened to them to get them to that point.

I never thought of my doing that as a 'need' in me to see good in people. I just thought I did.

So even when my ex is horrible to me I end up softening. If anyone I'd I end up forgiving, because my head eventually tells me that they can't help the way they are.

There are some people I don't do this with. These people need to have hurt those that I love. I don't forgive them- I know it's not safe to.

It doesn't make sense.

This is so very me.

I always resort to finding the good.  I was taught that.  My faith teaches me that.

It's all so confusing.

[maria1]

Sheepdog

I'm an atheist so it wasn't my faith that taught me that. My parents didn't teach me it either. I know that it stops me feeling angry and very disenchanted with the world so maybe it protects me. It is only recently that I realised how very different we all are and how not everybody thinks like me.

I think it's an impossible default to return to (that everyone has goodness in them) because you end up exhausting yourself trying to find that good. Yes, it may well be there and that can be a belief that we hold BUT why do WE have to neglect our own welfare because of that?

And why on earth do I need to be the person to find that goodness?

And why can't I find that goodness so readily in me?

These are the questions I'm exploring on my own journey and I believe that many of us on these boards have similar thoughts/ beliefs that we need to challenge because we have faulty thinking about ourselves.

[tcevans78]

Wow, this has helped me realize something LNL tried to tell me on another thread.  I think I've been splitting.  Reading more about it -I'm sure I have been.  I thought it was only something BPD's did.  But if it's something abused children do to survive, and continue to do as an adult - then really anyone can split bad/good - BPD or not.

It's hard to figure out how to integrate the whole person.  But I think the biggest thing for me is just realizing that a person's negative characteristics aren't actually a threat to begin with.  But this is a new line of reasoning that has only been possible for me the past week or so. 

The inverse has been I also don't get as wrapped up in another person's experiences.  For example, if I were to hear my neighbor's son had cancer, I'm less likely to experience extreme pain.  Which is something I would have done in the past.  Other people just don't have that same effect on me lately.  I think this is something maria1 was commenting on in recent months.  If I remember correctly.   

[whereisthezen]

Can you guys elaborate on this, please:  "I always see the good in someone somewhere, always. I never thought of this as a need... .  "

In the case of abused or neglected children, they can split the bad behaviors of their parents in order to remain attached and survive.  So, when they grow up, they may tend to split the bad in other people and remain attached to unhealthy relationships.  If we split the bad, we are only left with the good.

Non GF, you have a way with words! Very nicely written such a complicated matter, clearly presented for all to understand. You are correct.  This is survival, how history can repeat itself.  Boundaries are nonexistant as children, parents have power, children have no power, during formational years, when splitting occurs, boundaries are never developed, fear manifests and most survivors split as you mention to avoid harm, confrontation, continue a level of parental love, strengthen attachment.

It is distorting reality to survive, it is what many people do when confronted with extreme stressful trauma. Unraveling that behavior and creating a healthier one helps us all remember we are in control of our situations more than we thought just by confronting our own pasts and our own life behaviors.  BPD's may not do this, abusive parents may not do this, however, us as nons, can give ourselves the green light to improve our own selves.

Great post, looking forward to hearing more on epiphanies! 

[LetItBe]

It is distorting reality to survive, it is what many people do when confronted with extreme stressful trauma. Unraveling that behavior and creating a healthier one helps us all remember we are in control of our situations more than we thought just by confronting our own pasts and our own life behaviors. 

Thanks, whereisthezen.  It was quite an epiphany for me when I learned about this survival mechanism.  It helped me understand my pattern of normalizing unhealthy behaviors in romantic relationships and why I've had a tendency to hang onto those relationships long after they should have ended.

Right now, I'm in the process of unraveling that behavior and making healthier choices.  It is NOT easy creating these new neural pathways.  I know it's going to take time and commitment.  I'm sure there will be more epiphanies along the way.

Laelle, how are you doing with your healing process?