Bumped into her and...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

14+ months of NC (she has emailed, texted, called but I haven't reacted) ended two days ago. I was having a coffee at a shopping mall cafe. She walks by and stops next to my table.

She: "Shouldn't you be at work?"

Me: "Nope, took the afternoon off."

She: "OK", and walks away, smiling.

I didn't register any FOG, lust, hate or love in my feelings.

Felt good. I'm getting there.

[KE151]

14+ months of NC (she has emailed, texted, called but I haven't reacted) ended two days ago. I was having a coffee at a shopping mall cafe. She walks by and stops next to my table.

She: "Shouldn't you be at work?"

Me: "Nope, took the afternoon off."

She: "OK", and walks away, smiling.

I didn't register any FOG, lust, hate or love in my feelings.

Felt good. I'm getting there.

[apple]

Typical BPD behvior, Is it any of her business in the first place. I would have ignored her

Congrats on not getting triggered.

[costadelmar]

That's awesome!

[causticdork]

I wish one of the board smileys was doing a hi-five, cause you deserve one.  I guess these guys sorta look like they're doing a bro-bump, which is almost a hi-five, so here ya go: 

[lhd981]

I love reading these stories Congratulations! I bet it must've felt great. Hoping to reach the same level myself at some point... .  one day at a time!

[seeking balance]

That is awesome - even if you have a little emotion surrounding, that is ok - the fact you ACTED indifferent is really something to be proud of!

[KE151]

Fast forward a week or so from the cafe encounter and she texts me the following message:

"Funny if you would be ready to meet me again some time. Openly, genuinely like adults. I think I'm going to wait for that forever and ever."

My reaction: surprise, some pity maybe, but also a little bit of curiosity on what made her send this particular message. Trouble in her current paradise probably. She probably knows I'm single again so she's baiting once again. Anyway, don't feel a need to reply, which I'm happy about.

And just a reminder: this is a woman who cheated on me, I cheated on her, who publicly painted me black on FB, I filed a restraining order against and she pressed charges against me for "lying, deceipt and emotional blackmail " (LOL).

BPD truly amazes me.

[babyducks]

Fast forward a week or so from the cafe encounter and she texts me the following message:

"Funny if you would be ready to meet me again some time. Openly, genuinely like adults. I think I'm going to wait for that forever and ever."

Openly, genuinely like adults?  Really? 

[LoveNotWar]

  Forever and forever is a long time. Wonder what she's doing to fill her time till forever gets here. 

Oh my, it's not like me to be cynical, guess I'm feeling sassy today. 

[LetItBe]

"Funny if you would be ready to meet me again some time. Openly, genuinely like adults. I think I'm going to wait for that forever and ever."

Is it just me, or is there some underlying implication that you are not acting like an adult?

Sounds like you've come a long way.  I'm looking forward to the day I can have a non-reaction to my ex like you had with your ex.  Nice work you've done to get to this place of empowerment and peace.   

[KE151]

Thanks guys! I've probably not come as far as you think, but I'm definitely on the right track. And it's all thanks to NC - and this board.

NonGF: my theory about that sentence is that she's trying to convince me she has developed and matured, learned a lesson, or something. And now she is open to start over as a wiser person. And more importantly, she probably thinks I've now forgotten all the chaos and her sadistic behavior towards me!  

I'm being slightly cynical too, but there is already a detectable grain of empathy in my still mixed bag of feelings as well. I hope she leaves me alone, but also that she finds some inner peace sometime. And gets better.

[LetItBe]

Thanks guys! I've probably not come as far as you think, but I'm definitely on the right track. And it's all thanks to NC - and this board.

I'm being slightly cynical too, but there is already a detectable grain of empathy in my still mixed bag of feelings as well. I hope she leaves me alone, but also that she finds some inner peace sometime. And gets better.

This must be the time to run into our ex's because I just saw my uBPDxbf walking down the street while I was driving my car!  I didn't have much of a reaction, either.  Yay, me!

I know what you mean about empathy and mixed feelings.  Empathy is healthy!  Mixed feelings are normal after a hard breakup.  I do still have a ways to go in my healing, but not feeling a big reaction to seeing my ex shows me I'm making progress, hopefully.

[LetItBe]

NonGF: my theory about that sentence is that she's trying to convince me she has developed and matured, learned a lesson, or something. And now she is open to start over as a wiser person.

That was my ex's strategy after we broke up the first time.  I believed him.  I think he really believed himself, too, and still does.  Unfortunately, according to my therapist he'll need "many years" of even more therapy (on top of his 10 years of therapy already) before he can function in an intimate r/s.  I hope for their sakes -- and those that try to get close to them -- that they do mature and find peace.