E-mail from EnDad after a year of NC

[Rbrdkyst4]

Greetings fellow travellers!

I wanted to bring to you the latest attempt by enDad, who wants to keep the peace no matter what the cost, to bring my wife and I back into the world of Crazy. Your input and translations are welcome, as well as ideas on how to proceed. I have been completely NC for a year and 2 months. Their attendance to a cousin's wedding may have brought the reason for NC to their attention, hence the e-mail. (Blue are mods while red are my comments)

Hi (me & wife):

Winter is still hanging around here. Fifteen to 20 cm of snow is expected overnight. And I had put the snow shovels away. Bad move.

I will be in (the state we live in) May 1 to 7 flying home on the 8th. I will be in (town) for a meeting (and doing work related stuff). And can stay around for part or all of the weekend.

I am extending our parental hand of friendship. I know that your mother and I have not been prudent in handing our collective relationship over the past three years. For this we sincerely apologize. While our intent may have been right in our minds, our handling of our relationship with you has been clumsy and hurtful. Again we are sorry for this.

As a step to family reconciliation, I suggest we smoke the peace pipe (actually two good cigars from Barbados) on your deck.Pretty brassy of him to invite himself over when our home is the last place we want either of them

Or if you wish, we can meet at (local coffee establishment) for some refreshments and a chat. It would be great to get up to date on all that you two are doing.

So let me know what you think.

EnDad

[P.F.Change]

Wow, has it already been over a year for you?   Time flies.

I guess I would ask you how you are feeling about this. Can you also remind me... .   you formally expressed to your parents you wanted no further contact from them, correct? (Or were you just enjoying the silent treatment?)

FWIW, at first glance, this sounds like an attempt to get you to brush everything under the rug without actually resolving the issues. Let's play like we're a happy family and just forget we handled things "clumsily." BTW, seriously? "Clumsy?" Your dad seems to be saying, "Whoops, my bad!" as if he just fumbled a football or something. That's not exactly what you say to someone who has been emotionally beaten to within inches of his life while you just stood by watching. Your dad sounds completely clueless. My dad lives in denial, too.

There is such a thing as a phony apology. These are offered when the other person wants something from you without having to actually acknowledge what they did specifically to hurt you. Sometimes it is because the person is a manipulative user (not actually sorry), other times it happens when people are just to scared or don't have the skills to apologize sincerely (sorry but ignorant).

Besides inviting himself over to get cozy with you on your property--I can see that irks you, too--the other thing that bothers me is that he is apologizing (and I use that term loosely) on behalf of your mother. I'd be surprised if she authorized that. But I don't really know her.

I feel like you're dealing with the same reality I am: Your dad doesn't "get it." He never has gotten it, and he probably never will get it in the future. The question for you is, how will accepting that affect your life? Do you need to continue NC with him, or would you like to consider attempting to reconnect with him? In other words... .   what do you want?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Rbrdkyst4]

Hey PFChange,

I'm feeling pretty angry about this and a little distressed. The latter most likely from pre-BPD Forum thinking. I simply went NC with my parents since I felt the reasons why were pretty obvious (not attending our wedding for example, and then they attend my cousin's wedding earlier this month... .   so much for family loyalty)

We came to a very similar conclusion. EnDad being clueless, hoping it can be all forgive and forget and nice again. I'm sure uBPDm is wailing and beating her chest and making his life miserable because she no longer hears from her son and DIL. The self invitation to sit on our deck (where it all started 4 years ago) just rankles me beyond measure.

I'd like to reconnect with him alone, no uBPDm in the picture, but he has to come to grips and the right conclusion with no help from me. I think it will be several more years before any steps will be made, if any, in that direction.

[OTH]

Love the avatar,

My parents divorced luckily. I haven't talked to my uBPD dad in over 15 years. I can't say I miss him there was never anything to miss. I recently moved back near my mother. We had been getting along great when we were apart but she is super codependent and has to do everything for everybody and it has to be her way. I seemed to have forgotten this and she really let me down when I asked her to do me a favor. I explicitly asked her if she could do it and made it clear that if she was going to do something different I would find somebody else. I really don't want to go into the details of this... .   suffice it to say she totally screwed me over. I have had a real hard time getting over it the last few months.

I don't know that there is any stopping my mom. I just gotta try and live with it and do the best I can. She is the only parent I have. My dad is totally hopeless. You have to do the best with what you got. Good luck.

[Marcia]

I can relate to your situation, and I get the feeling you aren't ready. Don't let the FOG dictate your decision. I wonder if you should insist on them getting counseling/ psychotherapy to develop some insight into their behavior before you even consider taking the risk of being in contact with them again?

My uBPD and depressed and downtrodden enDad would often do this after a bout of estrangement with me and my family. Just act like nothing happened! That really isn't a fair expectation after cruel and outrageous behavior--I went with it a couple of times, it never felt honest, and in the end here we are NC again with so much drama and upheaval in between.

I'd say, do what you think is best, that is the most important thing, and don't be blinded by FOG.

[P.F.Change]

My sister (who has some issues... .   maybe even BPD or BiPolar) harassed me once to the point where I had to tell her I will call the police the next time she steps foot on my property without an invitation. After that, she gave me the silent treatment for a couple of months and then did some apoloblaming. She has since moved to my area and from time to time asks to "hang out" with me, the implication being that she can lounge around in my house all day just like old times. My enDad has in the past also announced he would be coming to visit me on such-and-such a date... .   no asking if it works for me, just a declaration. I do really understand why that makes you angry.

But I know I can take care of my boundaries. I can say, "That won't work for me, don't come," or "I do not like it when people invite themselves over." Have you considered a healthy confrontation or statement of your boundary? Are you able to tell your father why his letter bothers you? Or ask if he will be able to have a relationship with you independent of your mother? I ask because, unless he has skills I don't know about, he won't be able to read your mind. If you're waiting for him to figure out what you need on his own, you will probably be waiting the rest of your life. Even if you do express your needs and boundaries, he might still be unable to respect them, but the way I see it, if you do want a r/s, you will have a better shot by communicating than by not. Of course, if remaining NC is best for you right now, do that. Just also have a plan for what you will do when he shows up at your door.

Do you have a T who can help you sort through your feelings about all this?

PF

[Clearmind]

Rbrdkyst4, I can understand how this would trigger you.

Is Dad wanting to talk with you on his own or with him and Mom? Would you be open to talking with Dad on his own? This may provide you with a sense of closure.

No contact is good to a point - I am not suggesting you change anything you are doing - I'm suggesting that if nothing comes of this (i.e. you meeting with your parents) it helps to know that this is a trigger and find some ways to move through it. NC provides us with the comfort of not having to interact --- until there is contact and we fall into a heap.

Do you not feel heard by Dad? Do you feel a sense of rejection? Do you feel guilty? Poking around here - it helps to identify the emotion and work on some of the those beliefs (sometimes faulty beliefs) in order to process them and move forward.

[Rbrdkyst4]

Clearmind, I think my enDad is trying to talk with me on behalf of uBPDm, because anything I say is going to be communicated to her as I found out the hard way many years ago. I had trusted him with some very personal details and had told him that it was only between him and I. When I found out that uBPDm knew, I was furious and that began to change our relationship. It's a sad day when you realize that your parents can no longer be the confidants that you had hoped for.

I know that it is a trigger. I get all moody and angry anytime they contact me (or try to anyways), and I'm trying to figure out what to do to work through it. Currently it's house cleaning, which my wife absolutely loves. :D

I feel deeply hurt, betrayed, stabbed in the back, made to feel less of a person. Not rejected, but just beaten down so much after being accused of being a family traitor , I sacrificed a 5 week trip to Australia, and going out of my way to be there for uBPDm on enDad's request, then they hang me out to dry.



PFChange, I fear that I can't have a relationship with my enDad independently of uBPDm. I wrote an email a while ago when enDad mentioned that they were "extending an olive branch", and I very sharply replied that my wife and I had "extended an entire (expletive) olive tree" in the form of a wedding invite in the hopes of possibly starting things anew. He continues to think as a parent, and not an adult which is another trigger. Not  seeing , treating, and respecting me as an adult, as well as not being accepting of people for who they are and the choices they make. After reading many of the forums, the idea of writing a letter/email seems to be likened to beating your head against a brick wall - it hurts and doesn't get you anywhere.

I'm certain they are aware of what is wrong. enDad is making the (misguided) attempt, and I don't see uBPDm attempting to rectify things, so there must not be anything wrong with me going NC.

[P.F.Change]

I'm not suggesting you need to JADE, or that you should expect your father to be anyone other than who he is. Just looking to hear  what you want. It sounds like you are wanting to continue NC right now. That is definitely ok.

Do you want to ignore the email or respond?

PF

[Rbrdkyst4]

PF,

I want to rage, I want to yell, scream, shout obscenities, be destructive, let loose and go all "Hulk smash" on everything. I want to cry, I want to hop on my motorcycle and go for a long ride somewhere, I want to listen to my music, play a video game on the Xbox, I feel panicky, I want to hide, or be violent.

So for my sanity, and mental health, I've deleted the e-mail and won't respond. I've set up my e-mail account to automatically send both parents' emails straight to the Trash. NC is definitely the best option in my mind.

I guess you could say that this is a VERY big trigger.



On a POSITIVE note  I sent back a letter from uBPDm unopened that contained pictures of my cousin's wedding which they attended. (Another trigger) It's a step in what I think is the right direction for me.


... .  what is JADE?

[P.F.Change]

Good steps toward giving yourself space.

JADE=Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. Doing these things can keep us in the cycle of conflict.

PF

[Rbrdkyst4]

So everything has been going great. NC remains. Then the other day enDad suddenly shows up out of the blue at the front door. Since I'm home and it's a wonderful day, I've got all the doors and windows open. Tough to ignore someone when you're staring right at them. He tried to be all nice and happy, while I remained calm and distant, not allowing him into the house, giving short uninformative answers. He tried to "depart as friends" but I replied that it was going to take more than a card and a handshake to make things better.

I plan on e-mailing him that if he ever shows up at my place uninvited and unscheduled again, there are going to be some choice words. If you had pissed off your friend, would you suddenly show up at their place and expect things to go on as normal? Not really, as you'd be expected to be humble and apologetic for whatever offense was going on between the two of you and try to make amends. But I guess these people don't operate in the "normal" world.

Rage... .  

[frozensolid]

While our intent may have been right in our minds, our handling of our relationship with you has been clumsy and hurtful. Again we are sorry for this.

I am going to put this in the context of my BPD mom and enDad.

"Our intent"= Mom's intent

"Our handling"= Mom's handling and my following her crazy

"Our intent may have been right in our minds"= Everything is your fault, we're not really sorry for anything.


EnDad's are more insidious than BPD mom, because we have some glimmer of hope for them.  I remember telling my father that I didn't put BPD mom in charge, he did.

It's been over a year since NC with both of them.  I hope you can find the peace it's given me.

[poodlemom]

If your NC is permanent, then I suggest you do not respond. The only way th get them to understand that you are serious is not to bite at the bait. Just maintain your silence. I'm a hardliner though so to me NC means exactly that... .  NC. Best of luck to you whatever you may decide.

Poodle