Obligation

[maria1]

Thanks people- you are all fantastic. It means such a lot and helps such a lot to be able to talk to you about this stuff and to hear what you all have to say and have experienced.

This week I feel like I'm the only healthy person in a world of craziness. i feel like the zombies are all battering at my door and I'm just so tired and bored of it now it'd getting easier to just not bother with them. Here's a list of the past 3 days:

• Ex friend I ditched a while back can't cope that her daughter isn't invited to my son's 8th birthday party. He is having a joint party and he and his friend decided on 12 friends to invite. This not invited child is top dog usually. She asks my son where her invitation is- he says 'I forgot it' cos he's too scared to say no to her. I have a conversation with him about how hard this stuff is but about how not many people would have just said 'Where's my invitation' and that she doesn't get to get her way by this sort of nonsense. Her mother is trying to manipulate the other party host's mum into inviting the daughter. I say -don't let her, kids need to stand firm and not give in. It works but I know that my son's friend's mum would have preferred to give in. Too bad



• 'friend of mine split up with his girlfriend a while back and keeps ringing me, texting me. He isn't a good friend. I see him look impatient whenever he asks me how I am but he wants to spend hours telling me how he is. I've stopped answering his texts or returning his calls. He won't give up. Why doesn't he just get the message?

• My children's father having a sulk because my daughter 10 asked to spend the whole SATS (exams) week with me and requested I didn't tell her dad about a meeting I was having at school because her dad is living with the Learning Mentor from the school who is mean and nasty to my daughter. My daughter didn't want her to know about the meeting because it's personal. Dad says I shouldn't let daughter keep things from him. I say she has a right to feel safe with stuff. He shouldn't live with an alcoholic who is working at the school. I don't say that, I try and validate him but I leave him to sulk. Usually I'd have tried to make it better for him. No more. He is reaping what he sows



• My neighbour shows up at door to ask me if I like her glasses. This woman has a serious PD. I say they are lovely- we are just having our tea. Yes lovely glasses, bye bye

• Big one- I have a conversation with the headmaster at my kids' school. Say he needs to make sure the teachers don't share my children's personal stuff with the Learning Mentor, that their boundaries need to be respected; he agrees and says he will talk to the teachers. This is big because my children's father and his girlfriend will kick off if they hear I've done this. I don't care any more. My children need protecting

This is all NEW behaviour for me, all of it. In the past I would have had different reactions/ outcomes to keep other people happy as I saw it or to avoid conflict. Or to be manipulated. NO MORE.

I'm quite angry with the world right now, I get some of where you are at, Maryiscontrary. I feel like the world is having an extinction burst while I stand firm. Only I'm not that firm and I'm holding on to you folks for dear life!

Meantime I am really enjoying myself with my children. Having a GOOD time, having fun. I forgot to enjoy life while I was busy worrying and looking after everybody else's needs because I couldn't cope with their stuff.

This is so much better. In my meditation class we did this inner smile thing- I love it, just imagining the intention, the beginnings of a smile inside my face, just at the corner of my eyes without actually smiling. Awesome!  

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[Blazing Star]

WOW Maria, I love love love that list. Yay you for standing strong, for looking after yourself and your children too!

It is awesome to share the ride with you, thanks for posting this!

Love Blazing Star

[Maryiscontrary]

Maria, you got the good stuff going there. keep it up.

[tcevans78]

Wow.  You are really managing things.  Some very difficult things at that!  Stay Strong!     We're all cheering for you! 

[maria1]

I don't feel like I'm managing much right now. I feel like I am holding back a tidal wave of heavy poison that is coming to get me. It was so much easier to just 'oblige'. Do you know I never saw the link between 'oblige' and 'obligation'. People are doing my head in. I have had 2 weeks of one person I have never been particularly close to ringing me two or three times almost daily and texting in between. I haven't responded. We hardly had any contact while he was in a relationship. It is not a reciprocal friendship by any means. He wants me when there is nothing else to fill his time. If a friend of mine I wasn't close to started ignoring my calls/ texts I would get the message. I've finally told him I cannot give him anything as a friend and all the best to him. I couldn't tell him I don't like you, I should have been stronger as I still don't think he has given up.

My children's father is also driving me mad. It is my son's birthday on Friday and the tradition is that his dad comes in the morning to be here when he opens his presents. I ask if he's coming as usual. he says, 'Well, the thing is I have to be at work at 9.30- can you give me a lift' (he can't drive). Now, the implication is that he won't come to see his son if I say no. What a horrible, horrible man this is to do that. He is telling me if I don't give him a lift he will disappoint his son. I say yes. I will not disappoint his son even if he will. B******. Before I wouldn't have even noticed the manipulation. Now I see it but I choose it for my son's sake.

I'm really disliking a lot of the world right now. Just to top it off somebody asked me if I want to meet on a dating website. I had a short conversation with this guy about 2 months ago. I sent him a one liner that you can choose if you're not subscribing 'I'm sorry but I don't think we are compatible'. He sends me a raging email back 'Then why do you come up on guys like me?' I didn't 'come up' on anybody.

It was EASIER when I was obliging the horrible people but it was false. I am happier being true to me but it's really hard.

   to the world! I'm locking my doors and only bpdfamily members are allowed in- and my kids.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I hear your frustration, but it also seems that you are keeping your sense of humor about you!  Kudos! 

A victory for me today: I said 'no' to a family member today where in the past I would've surely said 'yes'.  This is progress.

Some of the 'zombies'  in your life probably will experience an extinction burst because they are not used to the new you.  I think that's awesome.

[maria1]

Hey Phoenix

That's huge progress  Good for you. This stuff is hard work isn't it? I have a strange urge to go to the seaside and play arcade shooting games (it's a British thing, playing arcade games at the seaside in amusement arcades, don't know if it happens elsewhere); I need to shoot some zombie heads off!

[Phoenix.Rising]

I need to shoot some zombie heads off!

You should, and it sounds like fun!

[tcevans78]

I don't feel like I'm managing much right now. I feel like I am holding back a tidal wave of heavy poison that is coming to get me. It was so much easier to just 'oblige'.

I feel like I am holding back a tidal wave of heavy poison that is coming to get me.  Very heavy imagery that I keep reading over and over again.  I'm trying to take it in.  Is this panic?  Fear your efforts will result in your demise (in a sense) and all will go to $hit?  Is that the poison?  The unknown negative potentials looming?  I remember feeling that way each time I set a boundary (big or small) w my BPDx.  I was seized by absolute fear.  But was soo tired of living in $hit it was like I wasn't even in control - something inside of me just stepped forward and did the action, and set the boundary.  And the weak part of my consciousness was sitting back watching going, "I'm not getting involved in this, I'm just going to sit over here and shiver."    

I'd shoot up some goons, too.  Give me a video game rifle somebody.  Great idea.  I've been thinking F Yoga.  I want to take Krav Maga.  And channel all this energy to learning how to literally whoop some butt.  My girlfriend does it and she says it makes her feel so powerful.  But in a very legitimate way, because she knows she could defend herself and her 3 kids against an attacker.  She's about to learn weapons defense.  Pretty cool. 

[morningagain]

   to the world! I'm locking my doors and only bpdfamily members are allowed in- and my kids.

 maria - i do really love many of your posts - you provoke me to laughter - sometimes i just need to laugh

remember, I am not laughing with you, I am laughing AT you!    

shoot, i am too codependent to leave it at that - I am laughing at myself - some of your lines remind me of me, and hoping you are laughing with me  

[maria1]

Hey I don't mind if you're laughing at me or with me, as long as we're laughing!

I am not into real shooting- just pretend shooting! It feels good  The poison isn't fear- it's horrible people's s**t coming after me, pure and simple, trying to drown me. I just need to build my boundary walls higher and higher to keep it out. There should be a wall icon 

[Phoenix.Rising]

<img src="www.upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/d/d1/Brick_wall_close-up_view.jpg/220px-Brick_wall_close-up_view.jpg" alt="some_text">

[maria1]

Nice one! guess what BPD ex's profession is? He builds walls!