trial for sole legal custody

[livednlearned]

It's happening. July 17 is the date set for court.

My backstory:

Separated since Oct 2010, divorced since Feb 2012.  I have primary physical custody of S11. N/BPDxh and I share joint legal custody. S11 sees his dad 4 hrs on Sat, 4 hrs on Sunday after N/BPDxh had a manic/psychotic episode last summer while S11 was there overnight. We were assigned a parenting coordinator (extension of judicial duties) and N/BPDxh threatened her   

So for trial, my L asked me who to call forward as witnesses, if any. She thought I had a good enough case without having the PC come forth. I am broke, but decided it was worth it to have the PC make an appearance and give her professional opinion and experience dealing with N/BPDx. I would hate to spend all that money for trial and then try to save a little by not having the most important witness testify. Anyone have any thoughts about that? My L also asked me what kinds of discovery we might want to do in advance. Like what kind of treatment is N/BPDx getting and what kinds of medication is he taking. Knowing this is a personality disorder, I didn't see the point in digging into his medical treatment. I'm also filing a motion to have N/BPDx pay my attorney fees. My L said it's hard to know how that will play out, but it will allow her to put it on the record that there is a history of N/BPDx using the PC unnecessarily (like sending wacky poems) which I had to pay for. If N/BPDx continues to take me to court, the judge will see that I have recorded a concern about the disparity in our income and N/BPDx's advantaged position in representing himself pro se.

N/BPDx also wants to call forth his T, the psychiatrist who evaluated S11 for learning disabilities/ADHD, and S11's T (who had us sign a form saying she would not be called to testify in court). He won't get S11's T to participate, and I'm not sure why he would call his T, other than to show that there are people he can snow.

Apparently because N/BPDxh is an attorney representing himself, the judge expects him to follow every procedure precisely and accurately, so that N/BPDx cannot appeal based on a technicality. My L said that will probably work in my favor, because even though N/BPDx is an L, he is not aware of all the rules and procedures he needs to follow, and that means the judge doesn't take all his nutty filings seriously. And N/BPDx is weirdly lazy -- he has been told how to do things properly and then doesn't follow up.

Anyway, wish me luck!

[ForeverDad]

I am broke, but... .  

I'm also filing a motion to have N/BPDx pay my attorney fees. My L said it's hard to know how that will play out, but it will allow her to put it on the record that there is a history of N/BPDx using the PC unnecessarily (like sending wacky poems) which I had to pay for. If N/BPDx continues to take me to court, the judge will see that I have recorded a concern about the disparity in our income and N/BPDx's advantaged position in representing himself pro se.

No assurance your court will grant reimbursement, but no harm in trying, especially with an income disparity.

Also, aren't you going to get a portion of the marital assets, as well as at least some support even if only short term?  Even if you don't have it now, will you get something from him later that you can use to pay these bills?

Disclaimer... .  I had an income disparity, apparently ex couldn't figure out how to earn money or disclose it even though she had worked for years until son was born 4 years earlier so of course she asked to be reimbursed.  Since we settled, the judge didn't rule and I paid in other ways such as marital assets, alimony, etc.

My L also asked me what kinds of discovery we might want to do in advance. Like what kind of treatment is N/BPDx getting and what kinds of medication is he taking. Knowing this is a personality disorder, I didn't see the point in digging into his medical treatment.

Beware of some professional or even the judge thinking that medication will fix his problems.  PDs are not 'fixed' with meds.  Yes, they might help moderate the behaviors short term but they're not the solution, at least not for long.

[DreamGirl]

I'm also filing a motion to have N/BPDx pay my attorney fees. My L said it's hard to know how that will play out, but it will allow her to put it on the record that there is a history of N/BPDx using the PC unnecessarily (like sending wacky poems) which I had to pay for. If N/BPDx continues to take me to court, the judge will see that I have recorded a concern about the disparity in our income and N/BPDx's advantaged position in representing himself pro se.

I was awarded attorneys fees. There was a lot of wasted time and money on my part - I had to file several motions (to compel) and he didn't like to show up for important court dates. I think it's at the Judges discretion (not sure about that) but like ForeverDad said, it doesn't hurt to ask. I never saw the reimbursement however. In my state, I would have had to hire another attorney to try and get the reimbursement. It was like $4000 and I was exhausted and tired of fighting about everything. So, I just let it go. It was validating to get them though and had I *needed* the money, I probably would have felt differently and pursued it.    

Apparently because N/BPDxh is an attorney representing himself, the judge expects him to follow every procedure precisely and accurately, so that N/BPDx cannot appeal based on a technicality. My L said that will probably work in my favor, because even though N/BPDx is an L, he is not aware of all the rules and procedures he needs to follow, and that means the judge doesn't take all his nutty filings seriously. And N/BPDx is weirdly lazy -- he has been told how to do things properly and then doesn't follow up.

Not to state the obvious, but this isn't very wise on his part all the way around. It's not even his "field" of expertise is it? (Family Law) I know that attorney's are strongly advised to get representation. Emotions run too high. I'm sure judges are in the same boat, knowing it's better to hire someone to help level out the emotions with some objectivity and logic. I would think he'd be weary of an attorney who represented himself... .  thinking he should know better.

Anyway, wish me luck!

Good luck! I hate to say that it's in the bag, because we all know how that goes, but I do think you have a really strong case. I also do think it is in your son's very best interest for you to have sole custody. I really do. Lots of postive thoughts and vibes coming your way.

-DreamGirl

[momtara]

>> Anyone have any thoughts about that?

Yes - if it will significantly help you, definitely do it.  Spend the money now so you won't later wish you had.  You only get one shot.

[Free One]

>> Anyone have any thoughts about that?

Yes - if it will significantly help you, definitely do it.  Spend the money now so you won't later wish you had.  You only get one shot.

Ditto!

[livednlearned]

Also, aren't you going to get a portion of the marital assets, as well as at least some support even if only short term?  Even if you don't have it now, will you get something from him later that you can use to pay these bills?

Already settled all the financial stuff back in 2011 so nothing coming my way anytime soon. Ever, actually. N/BPDx was like a lot of BPD people -- impulsive and reckless with money, not a good saver, so there wasn't much there, even though he was an attorney. And he gutted his 401K on two separate occasions. Five years into our marriage we had to pay a huge settlement to his ex-wife, and, well, Gah! I could go on and on and on... .  

I had to save what I could preparing to leave, and that disappeared in a flash after the first go-round in court. I did take a second job to help cover the legal bills, but also have tuition to pay too.

[livednlearned]

Not to state the obvious, but this isn't very wise on his part all the way around. It's not even his "field" of expertise is it? (Family Law) I know that attorney's are strongly advised to get representation. Emotions run too high. I'm sure judges are in the same boat, knowing it's better to hire someone to help level out the emotions with some objectivity and logic. I would think he'd be weary of an attorney who represented himself... .  thinking he should know better.

Anyway, wish me luck!

Good luck! I hate to say that it's in the bag, because we all know how that goes, but I do think you have a really strong case. I also do think it is in your son's very best interest for you to have sole custody. I really do. Lots of postive thoughts and vibes coming your way.

-DreamGirl

Wow DG, I'm so bummed to hear that you never saw the $$. I figure it will be the same for me, but at least it puts the issue on the table. Maybe it will be a proactive warning shot so that N/BPDx doesn't file a bunch of appeals. I dunno. I'm so tired, feeling like I am covered in sticky oily tar and can't get away from him or these issues. He still hasn't remortgaged the house, hasn't registered the car I signed over to him in his name, hasn't signed the title of my car over to me.

But I'm going to soak in your comment about this being a strong case and all your positive vibes. I really need it right now! My L thinks the same thing you do, that my case looks good. She keeps offering me to stay at her beach house, and if I win, I'm definitely taking her up on it.

[ForeverDad]

He still hasn't remortgaged the house, hasn't registered the car I signed over to him in his name, hasn't signed the title of my car over to me.

Sorry about that.  Can you be as prepared as possible when you appear in court?  For example, Likely he'll say he can't find the title or forgot it.  Bring with you lost title forms that he can fill out or sign right there in court.  Maybe that will work?  And as for the refinance, try to get court to order a sale if he doesn't refinance completely in his name.  (Even that alternative isn't free of problems, he could always delay a sale just like he can delay a refinance.  Unless you are in control of a process, there will be delays.)

It's hard enough getting courts to make orders.  It's even harder for them to follow through and enforce compliance.

[livednlearned]

He still hasn't remortgaged the house, hasn't registered the car I signed over to him in his name, hasn't signed the title of my car over to me.

Sorry about that.  Can you be as prepared as possible when you appear in court?  For example, Likely he'll say he can't find the title or forgot it.  Bring with you lost title forms that he can fill out or sign right there in court.  Maybe that will work?  And as for the refinance, try to get court to order a sale if he doesn't refinance completely in his name.  (Even that alternative isn't free of problems, he could always delay a sale just like he can delay a refinance.  Unless you are in control of a process, there will be delays.)

It's hard enough getting courts to make orders.  It's even harder for them to follow through and enforce compliance.

Good idea -- my L said to email him about the titles, and then we can try and sort that out the day of court if he drags his feet. I hadn't thought about being more proactive than that, but your suggestion makes me think I should order copies of the titles in advance, plus all the forms I could possibly need just in case he says he's lost something or other.

[ForeverDad]

The goal is to get as much as possible fixed while right there in the court house or even before the judge.  Allowing him to beg off citing lack of paperwork, wanting to review papers, etc is just him asking for more delay, evasion or obstruction.

If he says he needs time for whatever, you and your lawyer turn to the judge and say, "His delay may sound reasonable on its face, but not when you factor in that this should have been completed a year or two ago.  Respectfully, your honor, if he walks out of here without signing these here and now or under a strict court order with clearly stated timeline and stated consequences, it will force us to come back again and again and we will petition the court for him to pay all additional legal and related expenses."

Remember, if he says he can't get refinancing due to his poor credit or any other excuse, then turn to the judge and tell him to order a sale and that you get possession so there will be and to his delay or obstruction.

You're not an authority in ex's eyes, haven't been for a very, very long time.  The family court and associated agencies are the only ones who have the authority now.  Don't hesitate to point them in the right direction and give them not so subtle nudges to take action.

[Matt]

Has your ex been diagnosed with BPD, or any other psychological disorder that you know of?

If he has been, I would certainly focus on that, not because it is the main issue - how he behaves as a parent and as a legal custodian is - but because the other side seems likely to focus on it - if he calls his own T as a witness - so you should be prepared to make it work in your favor.

If he has been diagnosed with BPD, I would suggest you read "Understanding The Borderline Mother" by Christine Lawson.  (Unfortunately I'm not aware of a similar book about borderline fathers.)  Note and research the footnotes and references - lots of good information about how BPD affects the child long-term.  You can also research that subject other ways - go online and look for any scholarly research you can find about how a parent's BPD impacts the child long-term.

You'll find that kids raised by a parent with BPD are at much, much higher risk of substance abuse, psychological disorders, and many other social problems.  Of course your S11 spends most of his time with you, so he may not be at such high risk, but getting that information into the record may be worthwhile.  You might call an expert witness who can testify about this issue, or you might make use of the opportunity to ask your ex's T about it - "Ms. T, you are aware that Mr. Ex has been diagnosed with BPD, is that right?  And are you aware of this research which shows how a parent's BPD impacts a child long-term?  Would you please read the conclusion paragraph which I have highlighted?"  Make the T acknowledge that while her obligation is to her patient - Ex - what he wants may not be what's best for the child.

If you can also connect the dots - show that there is documented dysfunctional behavior which is in line with what can be expected when someone has BPD - the court may take notice.  At the very least, whatever he hopes his T will testify to - "I've been treating Mr. Ex for two years and he is doing very well" or whatever - could be deflated by requiring her to testify about what is in the child's interests... .