Trying to get beyond fear of my daughter's potential screw ups

[WinWin]

I've read several posts and love that this is a community that can relate to my struggles with my 25-year old daughter with BPD. She's mostly functioning okay... . has held the same job for 2 years, and lives on her own. But I jump in and rescue when things get troublesome for her... . give her $$, drop everything in my life to help fix what's going wrong in hers. My fear is that if I don't, she'll screw up in a major way... . get fired, get (another) DUI, get arrested. I know my fear is holding me hostage from making wiser choices, and I'd love your perspective on this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

WinWin

I think you have already answered your question... . if she is still relying on you to fix her problems then she really isn't living independently ... . it does sound like she has managed to make a life for herself but at times she gets into trouble... . I guess I would try and find a way to slowly step back so she can solve her own problems... . the next time chi is in trouble ask what she plans to do to make it okay... . let her solve her problem and you support her that way... . I am not sure if she has daily problems or every once in a while problems but you should never feel like you have to rescue her... . I think realizing that and going forward is a good thing and the next time maybe wait a bit to see if she can solve it herself... .  

[suchsadness]

the next time maybe wait a bit to see if she can solve it herself... .  

Hi WinWin   

This is a great suggestion from jellibeans... . and I have finally realized that waiting and giving our children time to figure out their own solutions takes a LOT of stress off you and helps them develop a sense of ability and responsibility!  I don't have much time to write, as I need to run but I just wanted to let you know that I have been rescuing both my dd's for a long long time and only within the last year have been better about letting go of the need to rescue/fix things.  It isn't good for our children (learning to be helpless and dependent), and it isn't good for us parents to feel we are always responsible either.  Living on the edge - waiting for their ball to drop is a very heavy burden!   

[Kate4queen]

It's really hard because in a way, they have trained us as parents to react instantly to their crisis mode.

I have to say with my 22yr old BPD son, it's been a gradual journey of not allowing myself to react instantly and fix the problem, to take a deep breath, and to ask him how he is going to fix the problem himself. He's very smart and he's a survivor so I know that at some point he'll do what he has to to save himself.

It's been an interesting learning experience for all of us, I think. He's painfully coming to realize that we're not saving him and we're painfully coming to realize that we can't, even though we still want to because he wasn't learning a thing when we did.

Every time one of those things I thought I could never bear happened-him walking out, him denying us access to him during his surgery and recovery, him living somewhere else, him being homeless-everytime I've thought I couldn't bear that thing to happen but I have, and I do think he's starting to work out that he's got to start trying to help himself.

It's terrible hard though.

[WinWin]

Kate4queen, suchsadness, and jellibeans (love the handles!) I am very grateful to you for your replies. I can sense you've been in my shoes, and are suggesting baby steps that I might feel comfortable taking. Hooray! With appreciation, WinWin

[griz]

Winwin:  so hard and I am slowly learning to do this.  Always rushing in to help and never allowing her to fall.  In the end this wasn't helpful to my DD at all.  I try to break it into small steps and for me this seems to help.  Stopping to think about 1) how serious is this 2) what will happen if I don't step in. 3) is there something she can learn from this and knowing that if she does fall I will be there to help her sort it out and find a better way to do it. 

In the beginning this was very stressful for me.  Constantly worrying and obsessing about the what ifs?  But as I slowly let go it gets easier.  It allows DD to solve for herself and each accomplishment helps me to see that she can do it.

Griz

[WinWin]

Your suggestions are really helping. I've been putting the brakes on my formerly kneejerk pattern of rescuing. 3 times today I said, "How about if you think about what you could do and then let me know your ideas." Big progress for me. Griz, I like that you said it was very stressful at the start. You're helping me to feel capable and normal.

[vivekananda]

Hi Win Win and 

I recall the absolute panic I felt when my dd32 would be in meltdown and I would try to help. Of course she would stuff up and then blame me and dh for everything that went wrong. It is so hurtful to watch the ones we love 'mess up' their lives while we are powerless to help. You must feel sad about it all.

Well, thanks to the people here, I have learnt a few things that have eased my panic, hurt and sadness a lot. I hope you continue to chat with us and you also come to learn a different way of doing things.

Have you read about boundaries?

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

and this book is highly recommended too: "Boundaries - when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life" by H. Cloud and J. Townsend

Setting boundaries was my first tool to help me stop rushing to rescue my dd.

cheers,

Vivek      

[griz]

Winwin:  Stressful at first and still continues to be stressful, but it does get better.  And once in a while I actually am at ease.

Griz

[spidermiss2426]

That is a tough one.  I'm new here.  Hello!   

So first there is something to celebrate here.  She's on her own  and has held the same job for 2 years.  Back in my crazy days, (I have BPD that is very under control now... . I'm 36 but I'm speaking of when I was around 25) I couldn't hold down a job to save my soul.  I was on my own but my parents paid my rent much of the time.  I got fired from 3 jobs because people thought I was gonna kill someone.  So the fact that your daughter can hold down a job is a very good thing.

However, that isn't very helpful to you, I know.  You are going through something I could never, ever imagine!  The others give you excellent advice that I could never give you.  I think jellibeans gives excellent advice.  Your daughter isn't going to begin to get better until SHE is ready (something I know all too well) but YOU need to be better too.  So for the both of you, slowly stepping back is the best thing, I think.  And for you, it is going to be tough watching her mess up, but I think if you keep on bailing her out, so to speak (not saying this is what you are doing though) then she'll never truly learn what she needs to do to get better.

[sunshineplease]

It's really hard because in a way, they have trained us as parents to react instantly to their crisis mode. I have to say with my 22yr old BPD son, it's been a gradual journey of not allowing myself to react instantly and fix the problem, to take a deep breath, and to ask him how he is going to fix the problem himself. He's very smart and he's a survivor so I know that at some point he'll do what he has to to save himself. It's been an interesting learning experience for all of us, I think. He's painfully coming to realize that we're not saving him and we're painfully coming to realize that we can't, even though we still want to because he wasn't learning a thing when we did.

Wow, did this ever resonate with me, K4Q. It's the same with validation. Educating (explaining), arguing, and threats didn't work. Validation does, and (in my mind, as a loving mom who wants to support her daughter) makes boundaries possible.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[WinWin]

I really wish there was a "Like" button on this site, because the reply posts are awesome, and have helped me so much this week. Thank you!