Tried to throw my computer off a balcony

[tiff]

I'm sharing this so that I don't keep it to myself.  This is ridiculous and I don't want to not do nothing, so I'm telling the only people I know who understand.  I tell you because these situations are so mind boggling to me - I can barely process them myself. 

I was in an argument with my BPDbf (a quick one - minutes prior we had just had a few hours of pleasant time together and were heading out on a date) and he started sort of stonewalling/still arguing, and turned to log onto his computer.  I took the bait of getting upset about his disrespectful manner and reached out and grabbed the computer mouse before he got to it.  In the heat of the moment I was mad that things that I pay for (I pay for everything) are used as tools to hurt me emotionally - which is absurd, but it's what flashed through my mind when I grabbed the mouse.  So he immediately got up and went and grabbed my entire computer (which contains my livelihood & children's photos, etc.), ripped out the cables and proceeded to go to throw it off of our balcony (in retribution for me grabbing the mouse).  I tossed the mouse on the bed and then struggled to pull my computer tower out of his hands for what felt like an eternity.  I ended up getting it onto the ground and then he went and shut himself in a separate room for a while and I laid down and sobbed for a while.  This was yesterday and things have been fine since then - but I'm disturbed.  We've been together for over 4 years and he is a very involved step-dad role with my kids.  When he's not disregulated, he's great/fine, but when he is... .  

I can barely wrap my mind around the incident.  It was really scary for me.  Talk to me bpdfamily. 

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[Vindi]

I feel for you... .  can you tell him how you feel? its not healthy that he could take your computer and threaten to throw it off the balcony... .  from your post... .  you did end up catching the computer and didn't lose or have the modem broken? just want to be sure on this.

Does he go into these spurts alot? And communication is so important how would he feel if you tell him the truth on how upset you were, would he rage?

Just know you are not alone & keep posting!

[VeryFree]

Hard things to go through. I'm sorry to hear that.

Things got physical. That's the time to protect yourself.

First: try not to trigger any behavior like this by becoming physical yourself. Now you started out quite harmless by taking the mouse. For him it was reason to get your computer. A small step can lead to a big leap. I saw it in my r/s several times. Action every time was reaction (but more extreme).

Second: realise that in this case it's only about stuff. Don't get into a physical fight about stuff. You're health is more important than a computer. If he throws it out, let him. Better to see your computer flying through a window than yourself. I got in a fight like yours once. It escalated and I couldn't get her to stop. I tried to get away, but I didn't succeed. End of the story: I was accused of DV (and didn't do anything!).

Third: using violence isn't something to simply overlook. Once can get twice and so on. I would try to get professional help.

Fourth: make preparations for you and your kids if things get out of control. Have personal belongings, paperwork, money, carkeys within distance; know where you can go.

Fifth: document!  

[babyducks]

Tiff,

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time.   I have also  had the experience of an argument escalating at warp nine to physical violence, so I have to echo whole heartedly what Very Scared said.

Very Scared is 100 percent correct a small step can lead to a big leap in seconds.   The time has come to protect yourself.  Violence, any kind of violence, changes everything.   My experience convinced me that you can't back up after violence,  you can't wish it away or pretend it didn't happen.   It sours everything.   And once it happens, and that threshold is breached,  it happens quicker and it happens easier the next time around.

The red flags that are waving are the size of bed sheets.   

babyducks

[jedicloak]

Ugh. Yeah, this is difficult for sure. Yes, the escalation of violence is common going from 2 to 10+... .  but what I would say is what I have learned in the past few months. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. If he had chosen to throw the computer out the window... .  that's his choice. But you get a choice too. You decide how to respond. Maybe that's a deal breaker and the r/s is over. Maybe that means you go outside later and pick up the computer and deal with a broken computer and there are no consequences for his outburst. Maybe that means that you (later and calmly) explain that until he goes through an anger management course, you are no longer going to be able to see him/live with him/etc.

You do have options. That is what I have learned... .  I hope this helps.

[Chosen]

tiff, I know how that feels.  It sucks big time.  I have been through it.  Unfortunately, the more you seem to care about a possession, the more he will try to wreck it, or at least use it as a "bargaining tool" during a fight (i.e. he knows you care about that, he will use that to threaten you to do something he wants, like back off or shut up or apologise... .  ) My immediate advise is to back up everything on that computer.  And in the unfortunate situation that this ever happens again, just let him do whatever without getting into that power struggle with him.  I find that the least I seem to care about my things, the less interest H seems to have in them when he gets angry.  No use if he's not going to get a reaction from me.

Of course, meanwhile, practise boundary setting and also learn how to de-escalate things, or at least not to make it worse.  This is the most important, as we must detect when things are beginning to go sour, or else when they are completely dysregulated there is nothing we could do to calm them down.  Take care 

[allibaba]

and he started sort of stonewalling/still arguing, and turned to log onto his computer.  I took the bait of getting upset about his disrespectful manner and reached out and grabbed the computer mouse before he got to it.  In the heat of the moment I was mad that things that I pay for (I pay for everything) are used as tools to hurt me emotionally - which is absurd, but it's what flashed through my mind when I grabbed the mouse.  So he immediately got up and went and grabbed my entire computer (which contains my livelihood & children's photos, etc.), ripped out the cables and proceeded to go to throw it off of our balcony (in retribution for me grabbing the mouse).  I tossed the mouse on the bed and then struggled to pull my computer tower out of his hands for what felt like an eternity. 

I agree with what everyone else has said... .  physical behavior is not ok.  Plan for the worst in case there is ever a bigger issue etc, etc. 

Did I read it correctly that you did all this with HIS computer (first sentence)?  First you call it his and then you call it yours.  And that you were mad that he was logging on in the middle of a fight and you were especially mad because you had paid for the computer?  I think that you crossed the boundary.  If he wants to log onto a computer (it seems like you share it) in the middle of a fight and stonewall you in the middle of a fight... .  isn't that his right? 

I certainly don't think throwing the computer off of the balcony is ok... .    (ever, ever, ever) but taking the mouse is just ASKING for trouble.  If it were me post fight I would acknowledge that doing what I DID was disrespectful (I was trying to force him to participate and engage) and of course I would also address the throwing the computer off the balcony and put down a boundary ("I cannot accept stuff flying off our balcony and if it happens again I will do X... .  " And X will be designed to protect your needs.  Please senior members... .  if I have this off base... .  then weigh in. 

And in the unfortunate situation that this ever happens again, just let him do whatever without getting into that power struggle with him.  I find that the least I seem to care about my things, the less interest H seems to have in them when he gets angry.  No use if he's not going to get a reaction from me.

  AGREED CHOSEN!  If he wants to throw something off the balcony just let him. Since after this you will always have a regular back-up. Its immature for him to destroy something but since I have a boundary, he'll suffer consequences for the behavior.

You seem to have a sensitivity that you pay for everything (I do in our house too)... .  but I have had to make peace with that and realize that as soon as it goes into the common pot... .  its our money... .  not mine.  Anything that gets bought with the common pot is no longer mine unless we agree together that its exclusively mine. 

I don't expect normal behavior from my uBPDh.  I always expect him to over-react given the opportunity.  He has anger issues and I am super careful not to trigger them unnecessarily.  Making him angry because I established a boundary is DIFFERENT... .  and of course I trigger him just being me and that has to be expected

[WalrusGumboot]

So he immediately got up and went and grabbed my entire computer (which contains my livelihood & children's photos, etc.), ripped out the cables and proceeded to go to throw it off of our balcony (in retribution for me grabbing the mouse). 

And the emotional impact would be times one thousand if it slipped out of your hands and your livelihood and photos shattered on the ground, lost forever.

I echo another poster suggesting a backup. I recommend utilizing continual, off-site backups, such as Carbonite or similar. You set it and forget it, and it keeps a carbon copy of the files on your computer securely off the premises.

I work in the IT field and have heard the regrets of countless people who lost irreplaceable files that could have been so easily avoided.

[tiff]

I actually have been moving my photos & files into the cloud now.  I also picked up an application for another bank account today through my work. 

Baby steps.