Iam really scared

[Parents! Get help here!]

After reading so many topics on the forum and learning new terms like [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url], wisemind, boundaries etc etc, now Iam scared if I can practice any of this.

Right now eventhough I love my dd very much and wants the best for her, I think Iam burnt out. All I want to do is heal my self, distance myself, just have superficial contact to take care of her needs. Iam not ready to meet her even briefly.

I truly have to take baby steps.

peaceand hope

[peaceandhope]

After reading so many topics on the forum and learning new terms like [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url], wisemind, boundaries etc etc, now Iam scared if I can practice any of this.

Right now eventhough I love my dd very much and wants the best for her, I think Iam burnt out. All I want to do is heal my self, distance myself, just have superficial contact to take care of her needs. Iam not ready to meet her even briefly.

I truly have to take baby steps.

peaceand hope

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

peaceandhope - Baby step are OK  -  they sometimes are all that we can do.

Validation takes lots of practice. It does not come naturally in our culture. I have been working at it for a couple years and still fumble it, esp. with DD who is so often too angry to hear anything I am saying. Or I am too angry to be sincere in understanding her FEELINGS.

When I am able to stop and take care of my needs - body, mind and spirit - then I am better with it.

Practice on people you have less of an emotional attachment with - coworkers, friends, other family... .  

Be patient and kind to yourself. Figure out what values are the most important to you. Set boundaries that protect those values. This is the balance that helps with the sincerity needed for validation to work.

What have you read for help in figuring out validation and boudnaries?

qcr  

[vivekananda]

Hi peaceandhope,

It is scary. I recall how overwhelming it all was. I couldn't read fast enough and understand enough and I got fed up with the need to learn and to change... .  but I started to and I am still at it and I am so glad I was able to... .  

The best time to learn is when you do not have the constant drama of the anger and the lies and everything. When you have time, you have a sort of peace that you can use to read, think and talk/write.

My dd 32 was n/c with me for most of last year. We first meet and talked for an hour in Dec last year. We have met twice since. Although that doesn't seem like much, it is enormous and shows a big change in our relationship. I took 6 mths before I was prepared to try my validation skills with her.

The first book that made real sense to me was Valerie Porr's "Overcoming BPD" have you read it?

I did all the reading that I could available here on this site... .  there is heaps. And I posted my stupid questions and kind generous people here helped set me on the right path.

It's not easy. It can be overwhelming at times, but the rewards both in my relationship with my dd, with my dh and for myself - have been enormous.

Keep in touch with us here, ask those 'stupid' questions that are really so sensible - there is no question stupid enough here!

Cheers,

Vivek      

[parent of bpd daughter]

Peaceandhope,

I so totally relate to what you are saying - it's a tough job even for professional therapists -

witness that I had at least 2 of them quit when she was younger.

Distancing is necessary for all of us I think. Sometimes I think it helps the BPD's too -

because I think they become overwhelmed with intimate relationships.

I went no contact for about 3 years and she was fine - as fine as BPDs can be.

You need time to Grieve for the daughter you lost to this illness - the dreams

lost. Plus time to gather your strength for a life long battle against her disease.

Peace be with you and I do really understand.

[peaceandhope]

qcr, Iam reading SWOE still. I cant read all at one time. Reading little by little. Iam looking at different places to order Porr's book.

Vivek , yes it is very scary and overwhelming.  when you are so emotionally drained and its hard to learn new things. My physical health has gone down the drain and I have to urgently focus on it  and lose weight but Iam not able to. Planning meals and grocery shopping is taking a great effort. Eating has been my solace and I have to learn new coping skills.

[peaceandhope]

parentofBPD,

distancing is hard because my dd is very attached to me.  She is not close to any of my family or friends.

she always needs bf to fill the void. she makes very poor choices in picking bf. she does not like the good, marrying types. she zeros in on bad ones.

Right now there is a really nice boy(  He has it all) who is madly in love with her. But she does not even look at him.  He is such a nice sweet boy that I don't want him to ruin his life by  being with my dd.

Iam mad at this illness. I want my dd to be happy and at peace.

peaceandhope

[margjo]

peaceand hope,

I'm new here as well. I also having the same feelings. My UBPDD45, did I do it correctly? "Undiagnosed daughter 45 years Old"

After recent events and n/c for 17 months until a month ago I'm ready for n/c again. The only way I can explain it is, I do not understand her, even after 45 yrs.

I find myself having some hope for my husband & I for peace, but dread our families questions and judgment. Also, being with our GS could be problematic.

It doesn't look like there are any easy answers in all of this.  

I have learned here I made a big mistake. Over a year ago I sent a link to my daughter on BPD and asked her to look at it. That was a reaction to a link she sent to me on Toxic Parents and Overbearing Mothers. Now all I hear is you think I'm mental.

A comment that I actually find funny because she knows that when I was 30 I admitted myself to a mental institution. I was having severe panic attacks. I stayed for 6 weeks.  I have always told my kids it was the best gift I ever gave to them and myself. I have never felt shame.

Hang in there. We'll get through this.

Margjo

[qcarolr]

Margio -

My BPDDD26 (yes, you got it right) has been screaming at me that I need to get 'fixed' because I am ruining her life. Somehow if I were to become what she thinks I should be then her life would become perfect. Biggest problem with that is, it does not work out that way.

I have given in so much to her over the years, dh and I both, to get a moments peace. And it just makes things worse and worse and worse. Dd learns nothing but that her emotional blackmail works to get her what she FEELS she needs in that moment. Moment of peace followed by eons of grief.  I too have put myself in psych hospital a couple times. When DD was 5 and when she was 13. My dx is bipolar, and the meds I am on now have given me a life back (since 1999).

It takes a lot of effort to maintain ourselves through all this. We love our BPDkids with our whole being -- that doesn't leave much for us. We need to take back some of that 'being' to preserve our sanity. Only when we are able to make changes is our own thinking and actions can there be a change in how we relate to our kids. And once in a while, they will respond to our changes in a positive way. At least for awhile, until the next interpersonal crisis besets them (ie. bf trouble).

I can also feel the grief at how this self-preservation may impact your r/s with your gs. This is often the hardest part in doing "the right thing". It is so very hard. My dh and I have custody of our gd7, since she was a baby. There are still crises in dealing with DD's visitation rights. And my fantasy of gd and DD having a normal non-custodial parent/child relationship. For now, it is too toxic with DD to nuture this r/s. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you in this struggle.

qcr  

[pessim-optimist]

peaceandhope,

I know how you feel. I felt the same way.   

By the time we finally figured out what was going on with my step-daughter 32, and started reading, I was also SO VERY burnt out... .  

And in the beginning, there seems to be so much to take in and learn. And it's hard to know what is important and what is secondary.

I just wanted to be left alone, not to have to deal with it; but at the same time, I was obsessed with trying to figure it all out.     

I definitely needed to take a "time out", to heal, take care of myself, and gain some perspective.

There was a good book that helped me personally at that time: "Rachel: Get Me Out of Here" by Rachel Reiland - it is an autobiography about healing from BPD by a person suffering from it. It's a riveting read and it presented a lot or the information in a form of a novel. I was absorbing the information while relaxing... .  

Take your time, peaceandhope. It will get better. 

[Tkwoody]

Peace and hope,

I know you already have lots of posts but I just could not help but respond. I know EXACTLY how you feel! My sd9 is undiagnoised (so far) with BPD and there is a HUGE wedge between us. Part of me would love to have a nice relationship with her. But part of me is just so guilty because I wish she would just go away. Baby steps and tons of prayer! That is what has helped me. Every day before I even have my eyes open I am reminding myself that I am going to just do the best that I can on that day. That is all I can do. I have heard how I am such a bad step mom because I am saying out loud " something is wrong with her. If I didn't have a counselor who validates my concerns that there really is something wrong and I am not crazy, then I think I would lose my mind.

Don't give up, be easy on your self , and breathe. It will be okay. Everything you feel,is normal and part of the passage.