I hope the pain gets better soon

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This morning... .  following months of what I,without any exaggeration,would call torture, I finally asked my BPDpartner to leave.We have been together for a long time and I can say that I 100% loved and supported him through his BPD diagnosis and tried not to cave in whilst constantly being battered with all of the manifestations of BPD.I was in pieces but knew that I could no longer deal with his irrational mind/the lies/the abuse/the accusations/the fact that it was all directed at me etc etc.I telephoned his parents to explain... .  I tried to be strong (they don't know the extent of what has gone on) and wept as I told them that "for various reasons" (still protecting him!) I could no longer have any contact with their son.They were very upset and had prepared for him to turn up at their place crying etc.Oh how wrong they were!text from his brother (who was unaware at the time we had split) to ask why I wasn't at BPD partner's parents house.I responded accordingly and asked brother to keep an eye on ex.Brother's response "?.He is on top form!".Later text from brother "He says you cheated on him?"... .  for the record I have never been unfaithful even when my exBPD told me that he wouldn't  care if I ****** a full football team.And here is me thinking that I could get away from the lies. :'( My stomach is in knots... .  how should I deal with the lies?Do I defend myself and cite his BPD (this man is so good at pretending I doubt anyone would believe me!)?The cruelty of it all is that I can honestly say that I never did anything wrong (even though in ex's eyes I obviously did everything wrong as those who have been on the receiving end will know).Can anyone give me any tips on how to deal with what is coming?I cannot see him contacting me ... .  quite frankly because he doesnt care but I really don't want him to lie about me.It's not yet been a day and I am already thinking I would have been better staying and putting up with it all.BPD is cruel.

[Nearlybroken]

This morning... .  following months of what I,without any exaggeration,would call torture, I finally asked my BPDpartner to leave.We have been together for a long time and I can say that I 100% loved and supported him through his BPD diagnosis and tried not to cave in whilst constantly being battered with all of the manifestations of BPD.I was in pieces but knew that I could no longer deal with his irrational mind/the lies/the abuse/the accusations/the fact that it was all directed at me etc etc.I telephoned his parents to explain... .  I tried to be strong (they don't know the extent of what has gone on) and wept as I told them that "for various reasons" (still protecting him!) I could no longer have any contact with their son.They were very upset and had prepared for him to turn up at their place crying etc.Oh how wrong they were!text from his brother (who was unaware at the time we had split) to ask why I wasn't at BPD partner's parents house.I responded accordingly and asked brother to keep an eye on ex.Brother's response "?.He is on top form!".Later text from brother "He says you cheated on him?"... .  for the record I have never been unfaithful even when my exBPD told me that he wouldn't  care if I ****** a full football team.And here is me thinking that I could get away from the lies. :'( My stomach is in knots... .  how should I deal with the lies?Do I defend myself and cite his BPD (this man is so good at pretending I doubt anyone would believe me!)?The cruelty of it all is that I can honestly say that I never did anything wrong (even though in ex's eyes I obviously did everything wrong as those who have been on the receiving end will know).Can anyone give me any tips on how to deal with what is coming?I cannot see him contacting me ... .  quite frankly because he doesnt care but I really don't want him to lie about me.It's not yet been a day and I am already thinking I would have been better staying and putting up with it all.BPD is cruel.

[Suzn]

I'm sorry you're going through this Nearlybroken.    It hurts when people lie about us. It's also hard to detach emotionally from that and see that this part has nothing to do with us. I understand protecting him, unfortunately his family probably has had to deal with this type of situation before, and without the full knowledge of what's "really" happening. So it's no surprise they wouldn't "get it" all. They don't have the access to the knowledge that you do here. Are they not aware of his diagnosis?

It's not a good plan to involve his family in any arguments. The ignorance of BPD behaviors and the old saying "blood is thicker than water" come into play. Defending yourself is not necessary, you know you've never cheated. However, stating "I've never cheated on anyone" isn't out of line, though ending any further conversation on that subject would be a good idea, staying clear of the possible circular arguments with his family and involving them. It's unusual, though not unheard of, at all, for family members to be able to support a couple in a healthy way. In other words, not to take sides. To be emotionally mature enough to love each of you and understand that there will be arguments, he is a pwBPD, and you both need support.

That said, if he is in therapy for BPD the support of his loved ones is important. Research shows the the chances of recovery are significantly higher when the pwBPD has the support of an "informed" family, about their diagnosis and that they also learn how to communicate and support them.  

[fromheeltoheal]

I'd say if his lies cross any legal boundaries, slander, then you should act, but beyond that, you know what you did and didn't do or say, and if you're good with it and have personal integrity, let it go.  And yes, it might hurt, but compare it to the hell you've lived through and it might seem better?

And remember it's not about you, it's a disordered individual flailing against their own shame and chaotic thought; yes BPD is cruel, to everyone involved.

I was 100% faithful to mine too, and she wasn't to me, but she was the intensely jealous and accusatory one, and of course it was all my fault; shame avoidance via projection plus fear of abandonment.  Amazing how all these stories overlap so much, yes?  Must mean we're not alone.

[Suzn]

I'd say if his lies cross any legal boundaries, slander, then you should act

From what I understand, check with your state, you must have damages from slander in order to be successful in winning a case. Hurt feelings don't constitute damages. Damages are things like being successful in changing someone's opinion of said person and them losing a job over it. It's also a long drawn out process that could be very expensive.

More importantly, if this was an argument and there is a chance of reconciliation, this would only inflame the situation. Do you think there is a chance at reconciliation Nearlybroken? If so, you may want to look over the lessons and tools on the Staying board to help you resolve this conflict.   

[Nearlybroken]

I don't know if there will be a reconciliation as he just won't address the BPD.All I know at the minute is that I am emotionally drained.The only peace I get is when I am reading posts on here... .  it's nice to know that I am not alone... .  

[Suzn]

I'm sorry you're feeling drained. What have you been doing for you specifically, what does your me time look like?

What does his therapy look like, meaning, how was he diagnosed? Is he still at least involved in therapy? It may take a while for him to accept it. 

[Nearlybroken]

He has been diagnosed but refuses to accept it.He was in therapy... .  ended up being forced as a condition of his work to have four times the usual sessions.He is on a break from it at the moment to see how he copes.I am unsure of the content of the therapy but did see some form of chart the therapist did for him half way through detailing some CBT techniques.It did not make for a happy read.As for me time?None for 9 months now... .  

[NewWays]

NearlyBroken... .

I have to read the narrative below every morning before I start each day!

Remind yourself of this before you automatically give your partner the benefit of the doubt that their perception of reality is normal!

The term "crazy making" is used to describe a process in which a victim of abuse questions their sense of what is real and what isn't. People who constantly have their perceptions denied by an abusive partner can tend to lose this ability to see what is real, thus questioning whether their own mental health is to blame and not the emotional abuse that is actually occurring.

Think about this!

NewWays

[ScotisGone74]

Thank you NewWays for posting that-I've seen a lot of terms discussed on this board but not 'crazymaking'.  It is emotional abuse at its finest and the main thing that leaves us soo confused and bewildered after the relationship is over.