Love Addiction

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've recently read a lot about love addiction. It's embarrassing that my ex is probably accusing me of this despite the fact that HE was exhibiting all those behaviors. I truly believe that all of my frustrated efforts in the relationship were focused on trying to figure out whether his half truths were full on lies or not. His actions rarely matched his words or promises. His plans always ended up changing at the last minute. Where ever he said he was going to be and who it was going to be with seemed to get switched at the last minute. A very ripe soil for me to start trying to verify, digging. Yes I did have objection to his relationship w his ex whom he cheated with ... . so now they characterize it as my being "possessive" "jealous" (well if you hadn't lied and cheated I wouldn't have been insecure and worried) All if these hallmarks of love addiction - distrusting, accusing, spying, jealousy, possessiveness, --I AM guilty of all that but I never was in the beginning. I believed him for the first two years. It wasn't until he triangulated me with her that I went off the deep end. So, is it normal when dealing with someone with BPD that you become an addict to their lifestyle and trying to verify the authenticity of your relationship that turns you that way? I never behaved like this in prior relationships. Am I justified in saying to him or anyone else, "yes, I did look deeper at him, yes I did say I wouldn't stay with him if he was getting back involved with her (that is apparently "possessive" and yes I did hire a PI. But I did it because of his CHRONIC LYING and CHEATING. So, are we nons love addicts or are we normal people who reacted to them? I'll take the label if it fits but I sincerely don't know. I just feel that if I was with someone who wasn't a liar manipulator and cheater that I wouldn't have had to dig and become obsessed with uncovering the truth... . Any feedback ? Thank you - this site and this board is so helpful.

[Siamese Rescue]

I've recently read a lot about love addiction. It's embarrassing that my ex is probably accusing me of this despite the fact that HE was exhibiting all those behaviors. I truly believe that all of my frustrated efforts in the relationship were focused on trying to figure out whether his half truths were full on lies or not. His actions rarely matched his words or promises. His plans always ended up changing at the last minute. Where ever he said he was going to be and who it was going to be with seemed to get switched at the last minute. A very ripe soil for me to start trying to verify, digging. Yes I did have objection to his relationship w his ex whom he cheated with ... . so now they characterize it as my being "possessive" "jealous" (well if you hadn't lied and cheated I wouldn't have been insecure and worried) All if these hallmarks of love addiction - distrusting, accusing, spying, jealousy, possessiveness, --I AM guilty of all that but I never was in the beginning. I believed him for the first two years. It wasn't until he triangulated me with her that I went off the deep end. So, is it normal when dealing with someone with BPD that you become an addict to their lifestyle and trying to verify the authenticity of your relationship that turns you that way? I never behaved like this in prior relationships. Am I justified in saying to him or anyone else, "yes, I did look deeper at him, yes I did say I wouldn't stay with him if he was getting back involved with her (that is apparently "possessive" and yes I did hire a PI. But I did it because of his CHRONIC LYING and CHEATING. So, are we nons love addicts or are we normal people who reacted to them? I'll take the label if it fits but I sincerely don't know. I just feel that if I was with someone who wasn't a liar manipulator and cheater that I wouldn't have had to dig and become obsessed with uncovering the truth... . Any feedback ? Thank you - this site and this board is so helpful.

[mrclear]

Aaaah... . the addiction! Or co-dependancy/counter dependancy or whatever you want to call it... .

What we really become addicted to, is the emotional rollercoaster-movement of the Borderline relationship. There are either extreme highs or extreme lows. Nothing inbetween. These highs and lows incite extreme emotions within us, which trauma-bond us to the Borderliner. Not that these emotions weren't in us to begin with. The Borderliner just awakened them and brought them out. The intensity of these emotions, is what we become addicted to. Especially the highs. After a while we keep hanging around or recycle just to get the next fix. This is unhealthy.

Real love rests... . There are highs and lows, but not to the extreme. That is why we pine so long for the emotional rollercoaster ride our ex-borderliner has taken us on. After these relationships, it is hard for us to accept real love, because we are used to extreme highs (extacy) or extreme lows (abuse).

We therefore also need to look in our childhood to seek the patterns we have been repeating and searching for. It's time to break these patterns and learn to accept real love, respect, caring and giving.

Should we be love-addicts? Yes, but only under these conditions: www.tinatessina.com/when-love-is-kind.html

atb, mrclear