Feeling confused after conversation with ex BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I´ve been posting here for the last few weeks about my situation. I´ve been really confident of my NC policy but it failed last weekend when she climbed up my balcony while I was sleeping and we had sex.

The intimacy was so good... .

But yesterday she wanted to talk and said she wanted me to give her another chance. (b.t.w she doesn´t think she is BPD even though our marriage therapist and my therapist think she is)

this really messed me up... . She said she would do anything to prove me wrong and asked if we could start meeting occasionally. I really miss her and I know I just can´t do it. Not for the sake of my children and I can´t go through the pain again.

But should I believe her this time? Am I loosing the love of my life... . I am so confused right now

[tomjon78]

I´ve been posting here for the last few weeks about my situation. I´ve been really confident of my NC policy but it failed last weekend when she climbed up my balcony while I was sleeping and we had sex.

The intimacy was so good... .

But yesterday she wanted to talk and said she wanted me to give her another chance. (b.t.w she doesn´t think she is BPD even though our marriage therapist and my therapist think she is)

this really messed me up... . She said she would do anything to prove me wrong and asked if we could start meeting occasionally. I really miss her and I know I just can´t do it. Not for the sake of my children and I can´t go through the pain again.

But should I believe her this time? Am I loosing the love of my life... . I am so confused right now

[seeking balance]

I´ve been posting here for the last few weeks about my situation. I´ve been really confident of my NC policy but it failed last weekend when she climbed up my balcony while I was sleeping and we had sex.

The intimacy was so good... .

But yesterday she wanted to talk and said she wanted me to give her another chance. (b.t.w she doesn´t think she is BPD even though our marriage therapist and my therapist think she is)

this really messed me up... . She said she would do anything to prove me wrong and asked if we could start meeting occasionally. I really miss her and I know I just can´t do it. Not for the sake of my children and I can´t go through the pain again.

But should I believe her this time? Am I loosing the love of my life... . I am so confused right now

What does your marriage therapist say as to a strategy for having a successful relationship with this woman?

Kinda reminds me of the old saying, "the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing but expecting different results".

what has changed other than you were lonely and she temporarily supplied you with fulfilling your loneliness?

[Clearmind]

Sex does not equal intimacy! Big difference tom.

If you were to reconcile what would need to happen? Both of you get into therapy? Is this likely? Are at least seeking the help of a therapist?

Believing is a state of mind – taking note of the actions is what counts!

Can you ask her what steps she can take to reconcile?

[tomjon78]

She say she has "seen the light" but i´ve heard this so many times before... . first it was her reading a book, the saying she was adhd, then it was al anon then but now it´s a new lifestyle... . blablabla

But somehow it´s like "she has a magic spell" on me. It´s like my heart knows what is right but wishing something else maybe.

The NC made things clear for me but i´ve stated so many times I don´t want to have a relationship with her... . but then I have sex with her and feel so guilty and weak and almost like there is something wrong with me.

I think it´s mind games of a desperate person... . she says she will not come to terms with me breaking up with her... . she will not give up.

Still she has called me crazy, threatened me, started contact with ex boyfriend but now says she cut it off again

I have anxiety problems that sometimes make me think unclear... . but I just don´t know whats going on with me. I am a rational person and have had many obsticles in my life. Even my divorce with my former mother of my children was easier than this... .

I guess it´s back to square one... . but there is a little spot in my head wishing it could work... . but I guess it will never.

[seeking balance]

She say she has "seen the light" but i´ve heard this so many times before... . first it was her reading a book, the saying she was adhd, then it was al anon then but now it´s a new lifestyle... . blablabla

this is one of the 10 false beliefs we get stuck in - reread article 9, that is what I did any time I thought about contact or going back.

What actions is she willing to take and more importantly what actions are you willing to take to make this work?  It is going to take as much work from you as from her - read Steph's story on the staying board and see if you want to do that much work - then and only then look at what work her husband did and ask yourself if your ex is really going to do that.

But somehow it´s like "she has a magic spell" on me. It´s like my heart knows what is right but wishing something else maybe.

magic spell AKA your addiction to her. Using an unhealthy method (sex with her) to temporarily feel better is an addiction.

The NC made things clear for me but i´ve stated so many times I don´t want to have a relationship with her... . but then I have sex with her and feel so guilty and weak and almost like there is something wrong with me.

NC clears away the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt.

NC helped you start to see things clearly - it did the trick, but unless you deal with reality and emotions when in NC, the first temptation will send you back to here.  If you go NC again, what can you do differently if she shows up again?

I think it´s mind games of a desperate person... . she says she will not come to terms with me breaking up with her... . she will not give up.

Sounds like you are both desperate people right now, you know?

Still she has called me crazy, threatened me, started contact with ex boyfriend but now says she cut it off again

this is what you want to go back to?   really?

I have anxiety problems that sometimes make me think unclear... . but I just don´t know whats going on with me. I am a rational person and have had many obsticles in my life. Even my divorce with my former mother of my children was easier than this... .

I guess it´s back to square one... . but there is a little spot in my head wishing it could work... . but I guess it will never.

It is not square one - you moved along the road of detachment and hit a snag... . nothing more, nothing less.  Now, you get to feel bad for a while, but you do know what the consequences are with sex or contact with her.  Next time, can you remember this bad stuff so you don't let her back in?

Do you still see your therapist?  Can she help you deal with your core emotions so you don't give into that lonely feeling and confuse this with some sort of magical love?

[tomjon78]

Thank you for your words... . Yes I´m seeing my therapist weekly. He absolutely says this will not work. But I know I did a mistake by having sex with her.

I sure feel lonely but not at all able to contact other women. I gotten attention and even some tempting offers from other women but I just can´t do it now. My self esteem is low and my mind is still somewhere else.

The feeling i get is like climbing up a mountain only to fall hundreds of meters down again. But I know in my heart is right but I guess the phrase "love conquers all" is not true.

I just have to accept that I love her and miss her but can´t do this for my sake, her sake and mine and her children.

But I also find it hard that she just laughs about me saying she could have BPD... . she says her therapist just found that ridicilous.

My therapist says that she likely knows about this condition but just won´t admit it to me... . It was actually her words that started this and her former boyfriend suspected this also.

But I guess it doesn´t matter.

Now it´s just one day at a time and doing the right thing... .

At the moment i am not able to work... . i am very fatigued, sleeping very little and having constant anxiety.

[seeking balance]

Thank you for your words... . Yes I´m seeing my therapist weekly. He absolutely says this will not work. But I know I did a mistake by having sex with her.

I sure feel lonely but not at all able to contact other women. I gotten attention and even some tempting offers from other women but I just can´t do it now. My self esteem is low and my mind is still somewhere else.

The feeling i get is like climbing up a mountain only to fall hundreds of meters down again. But I know in my heart is right but I guess the phrase "love conquers all" is not true.

I just have to accept that I love her and miss her but can´t do this for my sake, her sake and mine and her children.

But I also find it hard that she just laughs about me saying she could have BPD... . she says her therapist just found that ridicilous.

My therapist says that she likely knows about this condition but just won´t admit it to me... . It was actually her words that started this and her former boyfriend suspected this also.

But I guess it doesn´t matter.

Now it´s just one day at a time and doing the right thing... .

At the moment i am not able to work... . i am very fatigued, sleeping very little and having constant anxiety.

You know what you need to do - and you will now have to dig deep to do it.  Nothing more, nothing less. 

I took a year off from dating, first time in my adult life - and it was very, very good for me.  First, I had no real desire and second, as it was my choice, I could focus on me - my patterns in life.

Fatigue and depression is normal - they are normal parts of life when we are stressed.  To overcome is a combination of time, being gentle with yourself and  acting "as if" for the sake of your kids.  You are modeling for them how to handle heartbreak. 

If you need to go to a medical Dr. to discuss meds as an option - go for it.  Sometimes the trauma does change our brain chemicals and we need extra help.

You probably don't feel like exercising - but do it anyways.  It is a natural way to increase endorphins and having a routine can be comforting when we are simply going through the motions.

Hang in there - be kind to yourself and keep seeing your T.

Peace,

SB

[recoil]

Reading the book, The Seven Layers of Intimacy, helped me understand what intimacy truly means and that my uBPDexgf could never truly love me.  It also opened my eyes to what I had with my late wife versus what I had with me ex.  I didn't even know, until I finished the book.

The book also helped me get away from labeling my ex with BPD.

Whether she has it or not, she's not capable of all the layers of intimacy required for a healthy relationship.  At best, she has maybe 3 of the 7 layers.  That's not enough; BPD or not.

Moving on... .

[tomjon78]

I will do this... . right now I can´t sleep... . it´s 12. am in my country... . I have a weekend with my kids and I feel anxious I don´t have the strength to make it. It will be hard. I just know I have to get out of this mess and I just want to be happy again.

I have been off work for a few days and it´s like my body is really beaten up. I feel like I can´t do this alone.

I´m getting text messages from her... .

I love you

Do you want to meet up for lunch

How r u?

Have a nice sleep... .

No reply from me !

I just need some extra strengt now and I´m reading about the FOG and realizing i´m there. My thoughts are fooling me and making me to see things unclear.

I feel so weak now.

[Clearmind]

Are you reaching out to family and friends tomjon? What are some nice things you can do for yourself.

Right now it may feel like you have tunnel vision and all you think of is her. Sometimes we send ourselves into a void and narrow our perception if we don't get out and do things for ourselves, meet up with people you can trust, go for a coffee, walk in nature.

Sitting and lamenting right now is helping you to become uberfocussed on her.

[wdone]

it sounds like you are in love with her. ?

you said you have a lot of anxiety.

i relate to both of these things in my situation. i know how hard it is to be clear about what to do. i have tried to move on several times, and i am so in love with my bf (although it can be very trying and painful)... .

why do you want to end it?

what is not working about the relationship?

i have found it comes down to me, and my self care, whether i am "with" my bf or not--he just triggers my need for it (self care) even more.  i have never felt out of love with him or relief or that i can move on, so personally, i have found ways to try to cope with his disorder and the feelings that come up for me.

i find when i meditate and get grounded, my answer is always to stay, and that i want to be with him. not saying this is your answer. have you checked in with yourself/your gut?

are you any clearer than you were your last post?

[tomjon78]

it sounds like you are in love with her. ?

you said you have a lot of anxiety.

i relate to both of these things in my situation. i know how hard it is to be clear about what to do. i have tried to move on several times, and i am so in love with my bf (although it can be very trying and painful)... .

why do you want to end it?

what is not working about the relationship?

i have found it comes down to me, and my self care, whether i am "with" my bf or not--he just triggers my need for it (self care) even more.  i have never felt out of love with him or relief or that i can move on, so personally, i have found ways to try to cope with his disorder and the feelings that come up for me.

i find when i meditate and get grounded, my answer is always to stay, and that i want to be with him. not saying this is your answer. have you checked in with yourself/your gut?

are you any clearer than you were your last post?

There are a lot of things that didn´t work in our relationship but other things that did... . She always promised to change and be different but it never happened so why would I believe her now. Yes I love her but that is not enough. She drained me emotionally and financially and frankly I don´t see the solution to solve our problems.

Also if we were to start over again alot of people have commented on our relationship and people in my family and friends and my therapist are all telling me to stay away! So the work for justifying a new relationship would be so hard after all that has been said and done.

Today I finished all the financial formalities. Sold the apartment beside hers which we planned to combine into one and it was hard. I signed the papers and went into my car and just cried and felt like a failure and so dissapointed. Only a few months ago this was my vision of a beautiful future but all covered in lies on her behalf. I ended up paying all the bills and she hasn´t even mentioned returning me any money. This relationship costed me 30 thousand dollars in one year.

This is really painful and I really don´t feel angry towards her... . I just wish she could have been honest, kind and respectful like what I would have wanted in a healthy relationship.

But I will just carry on... . and have to give her the NC again. She will continue harrasing me and not give up, but what can I do?

I´m now home with my kids and just trying to cope... . taking care of them and waiting for my next session with my Therapist because I find it so hard to talk about this with my friends and family... . the are fed up some of them and some things I am too ashamed to talk about.

[babyducks]

TomJon,

My experience was that recycling with my Ex enabled her to continue to be mentally ill and indulge in acts of self harm.

Inevitably when my Ex saw the light, the light did not involve her, or her issues, they were about me and the relationship. 

By allowing the recycles, and the constant push/pull I was contributing to her illness.

When the BPD emotions lead,  they lead us astray.   

Perhaps she loves you but from what you have posted on the boards here, she does not treat you in a loving way. 

My EX was very adapt at pushing,  backing me into a corner where I hardly knew what to say or how to say it.   When that happened I needed to find two or three stock phrases that BOUGHT ME TIME TO THINK CLEARLY.  Things like:  I will get back to you on that.  Let me think about it some more.   I will discuss it with you next Tuesday.   Anything to by time and put a little distance between me and her churning emotions.

Its never pleasant to be in an emotional storm regardless if the emotions are the negative raging ones or the over the top I love you and will die without you ones.

Protect yourself from the storm.  Any way you can.

babyducks