Push Pull and Saying Goodbye

[eniale]

I've read about pwBPD doing the push pull.  Also know those with BPD have a fear of abandonment.  When things got really close with my exBPDSO, he did something so outrageous that I pulled away from him in response.  A day or two later,  he came back into my life, numerous e-mails, knocking on my door, etc. & though he had gotten involved with another woman wanted us to "remain best friends."  I was so upset I left town for a week.  We had a final conversation and finally I got angry instead of hurt and emailed him GOODBYE.  NC for 3 mos. & I am starting to heal.  But can't help but be curious as to how this affected him.  I am very, very slow to anger so he knew I meant business.  Does anyone have insight into how person with BPD reacts to rejection, even though they brought it on themselves?

[Murbay]

I guess they all handle it in very different ways depending on what they are used to.

In the terms of my ex, she decided practically overnight we would get divorced and that I would leave the country the day after, so I did. It was a very painful experience and it hurt more that she was treating it, like we could still be best friends and who knows? Maybe in the future we could get remarried again. I said that a decision like that would be better made when we were both in a healthy place but she was adamant and I did exactly what was asked of me.

I told her that it was probably better we had no contact and allow the time for healing but that was ignored immediately and I received e-mails like nothing had happened for the first couple of days. I made a point of only answering serious questions and in a very neutral way, I think that's when the reality kicked in, and that's when everything went crazy. I now have no contact with my children, blocked me and my whole family by every family member on facebook, my therapist has bore the brunt of her rage over the phone a couple of times to the point he called me out of concern, she contacted the police and made false accusations, everybody within the community was told I had walked out on her and the kids in the middle of the night. All of this came in the 3 hours it took me to respond to her e-mail.

I guess you could say she didn't handle rejection too well. Though no doubt she has drummed up enough sympathy and attention around her to even care anymore.

[eniale]

So sorry you have no contact with your children.  Have you consulted a family law attorney? 

Sounds like push pull -- she pushed you away, then tried to pull you back as if nothing had happened.  My ex SO (undiagnosed pwBPD) dropped the bombshell that he had met a new woman (this after begging me not to see my old bf all during our relationship, even while he was starting contact with this new woman.)  When I reacted with shock and left him, he kept emailing me -- really mundane stuff, like the weather, and what he was cooking in the kitchen.  After a week apart, I spoke to him -- he still wanted me to go to a planned party with him.  I considered it, but it was a 3 hour round trip in car with him & I felt angry so decided to end it and sent a GOODBYE e mail.  I also mentioned that I had some contact with my ex bf.

Sounds like your BPD wife got very angry at the rejection, so I am assuming my ex did also, especially as I mentioned my ex bf.  For them, it is a one way street, their way, and they have to control everything.

Good luck, and I hope you are able to again have contact with your children.  Don't know their ages, but if they are minors I think you need to contact an attorney -- but make sure it's a family law attorney.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Eniale, In my experience, those w/BPD engage in a number of contradictory, if not paradoxical, behaviors: they crave love yet behave in unloving fashion; they push you away, hard, yet want your attention; they seek stability yet are constantly doing outrageous things that rock the boat.    These are just a few examples of the push-me-pull-you aspect that you describe.

Hang in there, LuckyJim

[eniale]

Another thing I just now realized after 3 mos. NC --(wow, this really is a process) -- is that although I know pwBPD have problems with emotional intimacy, I suddenly remembered that on 2 occasions (we were together just over a year) I experienced probably the closest emotional intimacy I have ever had (and I had wonderful 27 yr. marriage.)  This emotional intimacy was almost immediately followed by great anger on his part. Now, this was just 2 x in a relationship of a year, but what surprises me was the degree of emotional intimacy he was capable of, but it was for about 45 minutes, and one time it was followed by extreme anger (although by the next morning, he said "we were meant for each other" and the second time there was no anger shown, but he was bitterly resentful of me, changed plans to cook me breakfast, and told me he needed to "distance" himself from me.  So the fear of intimacy is definitely there, but what surprises me was those few minutes of incredible emotional intimacy.  No wonder people like this can make you crazy and break your heart.

[lhd981]

eniale,

Though by no means a scientific observation; I noticed that virtually every time we experienced a large degree of closeness and emotional intimacy, there would be a proportional level of anger/crazy-making behavior right around the corner. On the best end of it, she might just accuse me of being controlling, smothering and comparing me to an ex that "did it right" - on the worst end, there would be silent treatment and outright vitriolic rage.

At my workplace, we often say "no good deed goes unpunished" when dealing with difficult clients who can never be satisfied, even when you genuinely try to go out of your way for them. The same seemed to apply in my relationship.

[Murbay]

It is extremely difficult to deal with and I have to admit the frustration did get the better of me sometimes and I called her on her actions.

I think the hardest part in the past several months leading up to the breakdown was the perceived inability for me to do anything right, while she was on bed rest.

I would get the girls up in the morning, take the youngest to daycare and put the eldest on the school bus. Not good enough because I should have been up and standing by the crib BEFORE the little one awoke so she could be greeted with smiles.

I would come home and start work, only to be talked at through my entire workday. If I so much as tried to explain I was busy, I was then labelled as uncaring.

I would try and make something for the wife to eat around lunch, often criticised because it was too much or not what she wanted.

I would leave to pick up the youngest from daycare and pick the eldest up on the way home. Despite this cutting into my work day, these were specific times set by the ex.

I would make sure the eldest did her homework when she got in and fed both girls.

I would bath both girls every night, read to them and put them to bed.

I would shower my wife in the evening due to surgery and change her dressing.

I would then try to make up for the lost work hours in the evening but would be criticised that I wasn't spending enough time attending to her needs.

I would prepare a foot soak for the wife a few times a week and also remove the nail polish from her toes.

The hurt came when she presented her parents with cards for all their help and told me that if I had done more to help her, I would have got one too. This did hurt and I told her so too, only to be greeted with "I only think about myself" and she constantly takes care of my needs, when am I going to start taking care of hers. It did seem the more I did, the angrier and annoyed she got and just asking for a hug or to sit down and spend some time together branded me as a narcissist. Any speaking out was met with rage or silent treatment for days at a time but I was also accused of being the abusive one if I disagreed with anything she had to say to the point I started saying nothing.

I don't know what is crazier, the fact that I actually believed I wasn't doing enough or that she couldn't see what was happening right in front of her eyes.

[Siamese Rescue]

Hi Eniale, In my experience, those w/BPD engage in a number of contradictory, if not paradoxical, behaviors: they crave love yet behave in unloving fashion; they push you away, hard, yet want your attention; they seek stability yet are constantly doing outrageous things that rock the boat.    These are just a few examples of the push-me-pull-you aspect that you describe.

Hang in there, LuckyJim

Thank you - for describing so eloquently what I've lived for 7 years.

[eniale]

BPD people impinge on your own sense of self-worth.  Example:  We were in the car, heading for a pleasant night out.  He started to tell me about an offer he received to join AAA with a certain number of days as a free trial.  He went on and on, it was a long story, and he had my attention.  At the end, after so much additional information, I asked him if he had said a 30 day or 60 day free trial.  (If it were me, I would have just answered "a 30 day free trial."  But he got extremely annoyed with me.  Actually seething with resentment!  Gave me the silent treatment.  I tried to salvage the evening by bringing up another subject.  He would not answer me.  Somehow, we got through the evening.  The next day, he called me and said he would not have gotten so annoyed had I said "Honey, my mind must have been wandering... . did you say 30 or 60 days?"  He said he would have considered that an apology, which he said he deserved.  I said I didn't apologize because I didn't think an apology was necessary; had the same thing happened to me I would just say "it was for 30 days" -- I would not have taken it as a personal affront.  He felt slighted over the slightest thing, took it as disrespect of him, yet constantly criticized me, even if I was washing dishes at his house and accidentally got a small amount of water on his kitchen counter (which I quickly cleaned up.)  Just nutty, bizarre stuff.  I kept thinking of his many accomplishment, loved & admired him, but know what?  Now I know I am so much better off without him.