The truth punched me in the heart a week ago today.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It has been a absolutely painful week since I found my bf BPD with another woman. 2.5 years of troubled relationship high highs and low lows. Power and control over me - if I wasn't in control we had fallout.

For background this is taken from my first post 6 days ago, day after the night I found him with someone else:

"Each time the relationship stops (usually by me) the events surrounding it are extremely traumatic. Usually he starts acting extremely controlling, paranoid, accusational, lies, delusional etc. When I ask him to leave to I try to leave the scene he panics and does something extreme like take my car keys, phone, bag or physically restrain me and such. Sometimes he just yells/I yell and he leaves - but this is rare. The pattern is then he  harrasses me with texts saying how bad a person I am. Then some days/weeks later he starts texting how much he misses/loves me and can we talk and he will never do/say those things again and then the honeymoon period starts and we are back in so much love, then the cracks show and around the cycle goes. This time we have been apart 6 weeks. The texts and requests started and we spent wednesday night together and he said the usual that he loves me, has always loved me, thinks of me all the time, misses me and that there could be no one else, there had been no one else etc etc - then he went a bit distant instead of the usual pursuit and wouldn't even have a phone conversation with me yesterday (friday) saying that our love for each other is enough for now - have a good weekend although we were to originally spend saturday night together. I went to his place and found another women there. Basically when I asked to speak to him he ushered her inside and told me he was calling the police. Today he texted me to say not to turn up unannounced at his place and he will report me. I am devastated."

I have hardly slept or eaten all week. I keep bursting into tears in inappropriate situations. I am nauseous and sick to the stomach all of the time. I feel like im in major grief like someone has just died. In all of the previous breakups I have never felt like this before. I wonder if it is because he has another woman I think he has finally moved on and will never contact me again (as he hasn't contacted me to date)? In some ways I am thankful yet in someway I am feeling like the (probably false) support has been ripped away from me. I am feeling like all the times he told me he loved me and only wanted to be with me he was lying. He only told me two days before I found him with the other woman that I was his dream girl. From their body language, it did not look like the first time they had been together, they looked quite familiar with each other. Why was he trying to get back with me and obviously starting a relationship with her at the same time and lying about it? Can I expect he has cheated on me before during our relationship?

This is soo painful! :'( I feel like such a fool. I was vulnerable and let him in to destroy me.

[learningtowalkagain1]

It has been a absolutely painful week since I found my bf BPD with another woman. 2.5 years of troubled relationship high highs and low lows. Power and control over me - if I wasn't in control we had fallout.

For background this is taken from my first post 6 days ago, day after the night I found him with someone else:

"Each time the relationship stops (usually by me) the events surrounding it are extremely traumatic. Usually he starts acting extremely controlling, paranoid, accusational, lies, delusional etc. When I ask him to leave to I try to leave the scene he panics and does something extreme like take my car keys, phone, bag or physically restrain me and such. Sometimes he just yells/I yell and he leaves - but this is rare. The pattern is then he  harrasses me with texts saying how bad a person I am. Then some days/weeks later he starts texting how much he misses/loves me and can we talk and he will never do/say those things again and then the honeymoon period starts and we are back in so much love, then the cracks show and around the cycle goes. This time we have been apart 6 weeks. The texts and requests started and we spent wednesday night together and he said the usual that he loves me, has always loved me, thinks of me all the time, misses me and that there could be no one else, there had been no one else etc etc - then he went a bit distant instead of the usual pursuit and wouldn't even have a phone conversation with me yesterday (friday) saying that our love for each other is enough for now - have a good weekend although we were to originally spend saturday night together. I went to his place and found another women there. Basically when I asked to speak to him he ushered her inside and told me he was calling the police. Today he texted me to say not to turn up unannounced at his place and he will report me. I am devastated."

I have hardly slept or eaten all week. I keep bursting into tears in inappropriate situations. I am nauseous and sick to the stomach all of the time. I feel like im in major grief like someone has just died. In all of the previous breakups I have never felt like this before. I wonder if it is because he has another woman I think he has finally moved on and will never contact me again (as he hasn't contacted me to date)? In some ways I am thankful yet in someway I am feeling like the (probably false) support has been ripped away from me. I am feeling like all the times he told me he loved me and only wanted to be with me he was lying. He only told me two days before I found him with the other woman that I was his dream girl. From their body language, it did not look like the first time they had been together, they looked quite familiar with each other. Why was he trying to get back with me and obviously starting a relationship with her at the same time and lying about it? Can I expect he has cheated on me before during our relationship?

This is soo painful! :'( I feel like such a fool. I was vulnerable and let him in to destroy me.

[mrclear]

Dear ltwa,

You have a long road ahead of you... .  The initial/final breakup with someone with BPD is simply devastating. The betrayal, hurt, disgust and emotional trauma will seem unbearable. There is not a feeling you won't go through right now. You need to grieve, feel the pain, ruminate, cry etc. Don't worry, it's healthy and normal. If it get's to much, find help. Therapy or whatever.

A couple of things that helped me:

-Therapy

-I removed myself from the situation. I stayed with my parents for a month.

-Read everything I could get my hands on about BPD

-I took long walks in nature

-wrote my hands blue about everything. Imaginary letters to my ex, thoughts, dreams, etc,etc.

-worked out

-took care of myself and found people I could talk to.

Resist the urge to contact your ex. You are vulnerable right now and won't be able to withstand their push/pull behavior. For him that situation will be perfect. He's got something on the side and can turn to you whenever he feels like it. I'm sorry that's sick and do you really want to let him do that to you? You cannot heal, or make this man better. You're love, caring and support won't prevail. He cannot be satisfied, filled or loved enough. Imagine a bucket with a hole in the bottom that you are trying to fill... .  For him it's about value and attachment, not love. As soon as someone turns the tap off, he'll run to the next.

The crux here is: As hard as this sounds, you let this happen. You allowed somebody to treat you like this!  Don't let this disordered person control you. Know that you are worth more than that. You need to take care of yourself now!

I wish you strength and light. We're here if you need us... .   

[Billa]

Dear ltwa,

You have a long road ahead of you... .  The initial/final breakup with someone with BPD is simply devastating. The betrayal, hurt, disgust and emotional trauma will seem unbearable. There is not a feeling you won't go through right now. You need to grieve, feel the pain, ruminate, cry etc. Don't worry, it's healthy and normal. If it get's to much, find help. Therapy or whatever.



Resist the urge to contact your ex. You are vulnerable right now and won't be able to withstand their push/pull behavior. For him that situation will be perfect. He's got something on the side and can turn to you whenever he feels like it. I'm sorry that's sick and do you really want to let him do that to you? You cannot heal, or make this man better. You're love, caring and support won't prevail. He cannot be satisfied, filled or loved enough. Imagine a bucket with a hole in the bottom that you are trying to fill... .  For him it's about value and attachment, not love. As soon as someone turns the tap off, he'll run to the next.

The crux here is: As hard as this sounds, you let this happen. You allowed somebody to treat you like this!  Don't let this disordered person control you. Know that you are worth more than that. You need to take care of yourself now!

I wish you strength and light. We're here if you need us... .   

words of great value and help, also for me

[learningtowalkagain1]

Thank you so much for your post, Mr Clear. I am endeavoring to do most of those things you suggested already and it was good to see the suggestions as validation that I am going in the right direction. I know I let this happen to me. He kept plugging into my "lack of support" belief and kept offering me "false" support.  He came at a point when I was extremely vulnerable and fragile in my life (had lost my parents and marriage), when I was on my own and my esteem was down. My mission now is to support myself and build my self esteem again. I deserve someone who will really love me and treat me accordingly by their actions (not false words).Thanks to you too Billa.

[Bach Cantatas]

Hi.When I find the going tough, I try to remember that whilst we all feel that the situation began when we first encountered and engaged our Borderline sufferer, that moment was really a spot in a long line of sad occurrences that began far before we met and will probably continue far into the future.

Our very sad and painful experiences will become memories one day God willing. Keep your thoughts on your recovery and healing.   

[eniale]

So sorry for your pain.  I know it well.  You say you can't eat or sleep.  I literally lost all appetite and the weight was coming off every day.  I saw a therapist & she recommended St. John's Wort  (I'd had a bad reaction to an anti-depressant.)  I had to check with pharmacist first as I take another prescription med.  The St. John's Wort helped -- I got my appetite back, finally -- recommended dosage is 300 mil. 3 x day.  But that did not take all the pain away; still see therapist, helpful, also this site has helped tremendously.  When I am sad, lonely come here -- reading all the other stories makes me know I am not alone.  It is a process to work it all through.  I joined 2 new activities (although not easy to do) and have met some very nice people.  Also keeps me busy.  Now it's 3 mos. NC & although I still think of him, it is not constantly as it was, getting less and less & I see full recovery on the horizon.  Best of luck, and remember, it was NOT that you were not enough.  It was not you, it was that the person has a very sad disease.  But although it's a disease, these people can cause devastating hurt and you deserve better than that!

[maciej]

I know exactly what you are going thru, I just saw my ex with someone last week. We are so used to the back and forth that I guess we just expect they will come back with a little time so when we actually see that they have someone new it is devastating. I gave him all of my love, time and effort and he gave me none unless he was trying to get me back from one of his many "mess ups." Coming back and swearing he's changed, that he can't stand being away from me, that he loves he me more than anything and will do anything to prove it to me if I give him another chance only to go right back to the lies, deceipt and alienation after a few weeks. The fact that he couldn't give me his all after 2yrs but he can find it in him to start another relationship with someone else is infuriating! I try to remember all of the lies, hurt, betrayal and disappointment he put me thru and tell myself that he is probably lying to her just like he lied to me when we first met. When they get too far in and too deep in their lies they can simply just walk away and move on while we are left in shambles.

Whenever I find myself missing him and the good times times in the relationship (which we find ourselves over exaggerating the good and forgetting about all the bad) I force myself to remember the several times he was caught in lies which he would still try to deny after being caught red handed and then simply say "so what, I lied, big deal" like I was the one being unreasonable for being upset. I force myself to remember all of the times he disappointed me, the times he made plans with me or said he would call only to blow me off for his friends. I force myself to remember all of the moments that should have been special to me that he ruined. The numerous times that I have sat worrying, sick to my stomach wondering what he was out doing behind my back, things that I could feel in my gut but just couldn't prove. The distrust and anger I felt towards him and the lack of emotion, caring or openness that he gave in return. I force myself to remember all of that and more and I tell myself I deserve better as do you! I believe that them being with someone else and us seeing it is a blessing in disguise, they are now those girls problems and not ours! We are finally free from the imprisonment of the back and forth game we were trapped in for so long and free to heal ourselves and move on. All we can do is have faith that things will get easier with time, just get thru one day at a time and remember that this too shall pass.

[jmc8899]

Please know that it will not be different between him and this new woman.   He may appear to be happy, but no one can make him happy.   He will lie to her and control her as well.   Don't think of the happy times, think of the fights and how miserable he made you.   It will NOT be any better with this new woman.

I thought I could "save" a guy with BPD, that our relationship would be different because I cared about him so much more than anyone else did.   I was wrong.   The more I showed him I cared, the more he pushed me away.   I felt I couldn't do anything right.   

Try to avoid seeing him, or hearing about him.   Because if he has it his way, all you will hear about are the good things.   Which will give you a warped sense of what their relationship really is, and will make you feel depressed that he is happy and you're left in pieces.   He will never change, and you CAN escape his web.   Focus on YOU.   Work out, reconnect with old friends or join Meetup groups.   Good luck!