This is ridiculous ...

[MockingbirdHL]

Is it just me, or is texting your dBPDh about stuff on the news while he is holed up / hiding out / cooling off / whatever thirty minutes drive away and arranging to meet and talk AT YOUR OWN HOUSE ridiculous?

I mean, for some reason today it just strikes me as crazy. I'm making arrangements for my own husband to come to his own house to speak to his own wife!  That's ridiculous when you think about it.

I guess such is life with pwBPD.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DantePakistan]

I'm new here. Can you explain what dBPDh and pwBPD mean? Hopefully that's not a dumb question.

[MockingbirdHL]

dBPDh = diagnosed BPD husband

pwBPD = person with BPD

[arabella]

That's ridiculous when you think about it.

I guess such is life with pwBPD.

This is pretty much the conclusion I've come to. Sometimes I think I'm the crazy one with all the 'accommodating' that is required! I remind myself that dBPDh has a disability - he needs extra help and attention, and he needs me to write things down for him, etc. If it starts getting too ridiculous I just step back and wait it out a bit. Usually things get to a calmer place where less special attention is required. Usually. Other times I just  and suck it up.

[MockingbirdHL]

Arabella - yes ... . I am trying to get to that place where you are ... . its hard!

I was just like "this is so stupid, we are adults!" yesterday.  Of course I did not text him that, but that's what I was thinking.  Now that the day of the TALK is here, I am starting to feel very nervous, uneasy inside again.  Its the uncertainty, I know, but I have this feeling all too often these days!

I'm trying to stay positive.  He seemed on Tuesday to be moving back into the PULL part of the cycle; saying he thought talking on the phone was better than nothing, he thought I would want to talk to him regardless and so on, but now I am not so sure ... . he seems to be going back and forth between PUSH and PULL on a daily basis now.  Its hard to tell when I haven;t seen him in person in a week+.

Still hopeful though ... .

[Wishful thinking]

All the best M

You will be okay. What time will you be meeting ?

[MockingbirdHL]

WT - about six hours from now; just trying to get through the day at work and not panic!

THANKS

[arabella]

How did it go?

I know what you mean about the push/pull and trying to guess. Another one of those things I'm trying to just let go of. Usually what I do is go into these things with some optimism and a plan to bail out quickly if things head south (i.e. he decides it's a 'push' day/hour). I spend a lot of time biting my tongue.

p.s. I sound much more confident, realistic, and put together online than I manage to pull off in reality! I just aim to be the person I sound like I might be in my posts!

[T.I.P.]

Dear Mockingbird

I have been married to my uBPDw for 10 years and I will say for me it was HORRIBLE going through the ups and downs wondering if she would stay married to me or not.  I felt like my head was in a guillotine of divorce and she was always standing there playing with the rope that lowered the blade trying to decide if she would cut it or not.  I can say that my relationship with her has changed.  I finally had to come to a place of knowing if she divorced me I would be O.K. (probably even happier as an individual) and that I would NEVER live in fear of her divorcing me again. PERIOD!  It was extremely hard.  In the past, every time she would start talking about divorce or about how horrible our marriage was or about separation of any kind, my heart would break and with a lump in my throat I would wait it out.

What changed?  One day after 10 years of constant threat of divorce I came home and she said "the divorce papers are on the table".  I accommodated and agreed.  Two things happened after that.  First, I realized how good, happy, enjoyable, calm, peaceful etc. etc. my life will become if she ever does divorce me, and I am great with that(I lived with my cousin for a month).   Secondly I learned that she used the threat of divorce as a huge weapon to get me to act/react in certain ways.  AMAZINGLY after 10 years of begging for a divorce she doesn't even bring it up now!  Sometimes when she is complaining about our marriage I will ask her if she want's a divorce and she doesn't even want to go there.

I love my wife and I do not want a divorce in the least.  But I am now in a win win situation.  If she divorces me, good.  If she is my wife until death do us part, GREAT!  But I know longer live with the paralyzing fear of not knowing.

After having said all that I need to tell you that my rs is still messed up.  I have not "arrived". And I need help just as much as anyone here.  Just some of what I've gone through, thinking it might help.

T.I.P.

[whereisthezen]

Mockingbird   hope things went ok for you.

TIP, great share! " I love my wife and I do not want a divorce in the least.  But I am now in a win win situation.  If she divorces me, good.  If she is my wife until death do us part, GREAT!  But I know longer live with the paralyzing fear of not knowing.

After having said all that I need to tell you that my rs is still messed up.  I have not "arrived". And I need help just as much as anyone here.  Just some of what I've gone through, thinking it might help."

I think we can all find some similar behaviors in this thread in our own r/s's. I definitely know the scheduling to talk or to take time out to complete or accomplish tasks is not in most relationships at this level or depth to get it, whatever it is, done. I do hope mockingbird that you were able to remain calm during the waiting period. I always get agitated when I have to wait for long periods of time to talk ( sometimes weeks), I'm working on it to. Anyway, just wanted to pop into this thread and see how your doing since your meeting.

[waverider]

p.s. I sound much more confident, realistic, and put together online than I manage to pull off in reality! I just aim to be the person I sound like I might be in my posts!

This is so true, I often ask myself how can I make it all sound so simple and obvious at times here, while at the same time feel like i am running around like a headless chook... . ? Too easy to be the armchair expert.

Inability to walk your own talk is also part of the frustrating of dealing with this. Even the most simple and obvious is hard to implement. A dose of Acceptance of our own limitations is necessary to stop us getting angry at ourselves for allowing this to happen

[jedicloak]

I agree with the sentiments that some of our methods of having a relationship do seem odd... . even to myself. But the fact remains... . sometimes, it just works to communicate via chat while we're in separate rooms of the same apt. It's odd, but it helps. It removes the "tone" of the conversation and allows us to focus on the words... . it doesn't always work... . but it can help. Yes, it's all odd and goes against what I thought a relationship "should be" but once I learned to change what I can, and accept the things I can't change, my life infinitely improved. Hugs to you all.

[arabella]

p.s. I sound much more confident, realistic, and put together online than I manage to pull off in reality! I just aim to be the person I sound like I might be in my posts!

This is so true, I often ask myself how can I make it all sound so simple and obvious at times here, while at the same time feel like i am running around like a headless chook... . ? Too easy to be the armchair expert.

Inability to walk your own talk is also part of the frustrating of dealing with this. Even the most simple and obvious is hard to implement. A dose of Acceptance of our own limitations is necessary to stop us getting angry at ourselves for allowing this to happen

Oh good - it's not just me! But, honestly, I'm relieved, because sometimes it just seems like others (looking at you waverider!) are so much better at this than I am and that I should be doing better. That being said, I am doing a lot better with staying on my game, but I'm also taking your advice and cutting myself some slack. Acceptance isn't just for pwBPD - we deserve to share in the benefits of our own progress too!

[MockingbirdHL]

All - thanks for the concern. I think the talk went well. There was no mention of divorce this time, but my H is still clearly confused and overwhelmed by his feelings and emotions and the perceived uncertainty of the future.  He was due to go to his T the next day but a family emergency has basically derailed the whole weekend. He has not yet come home. I did see him for a couple of hours yesterday but not today. He just texted me saying he's about to catch his flight for work so I guess he will be gone for the next five or six days.

In some ways I feel better. He's at least acknowledging that there's work that needs to be done. In some ways I feel the same. I'm still here alone going everything myself; he's still not home. He's still obviously struggling with all this. It's been a month. I'm tired. I'm trying my best and continuing to be loving and understanding and supporting. I need something back though! 

Arabella - he did say that me staying through all this made him realize that I love him more than he realized - I think your ping idea helped with that. 

I'm trying to give him the space he needs but I can't go on like this forever!  I almost feel that if I keep bending over backwards and doing everything on his schedule it will be to my disadvantage. Like he will just do whatever he wants and not give a thought to how I might fe about any given thing.

I don't know. I'm still in two minds about it all.   I don't want THIS to become our new normal!

[cult]

All - thanks for the concern. I think the talk went well. There was no mention of divorce this time, but my H is still clearly confused and overwhelmed by his feelings and emotions and the perceived uncertainty of the future.  He was due to go to his T the next day but a family emergency has basically derailed the whole weekend. He has not yet come home. I did see him for a couple of hours yesterday but not today. He just texted me saying he's about to catch his flight for work so I guess he will be gone for the next five or six days.

In some ways I feel better. He's at least acknowledging that there's work that needs to be done. In some ways I feel the same. I'm still here alone going everything myself; he's still not home. He's still obviously struggling with all this. It's been a month. I'm tired. I'm trying my best and continuing to be loving and understanding and supporting. I need something back though! 

Arabella - he did say that me staying through all this made him realize that I love him more than he realized - I think your ping idea helped with that. 

I'm trying to give him the space he needs but I can't go on like this forever!  I almost feel that if I keep bending over backwards and doing everything on his schedule it will be to my disadvantage. Like he will just do whatever he wants and not give a thought to how I might fe about any given thing.

I don't know. I'm still in two minds about it all.   I don't want THIS to become our new normal!

Mockingbird, we are in such similar places it's scary. My SO is going through a mid-life crisis and mental illness at the same time. It is a nerve wracking ride to say the least. For me, realizing that I have made this relationship the sole focus of my existence and that no matter what happens, THAT has to change before I can have clarity about the R/S, is starting to make a difference. Yesterday was hell, but today has been a little better. I am praying for the strength to focus on myself and put my needs first. Right now I need to spend time with her. Most people in my life don't understand why I do not hate her and why I have not thrown her out of the house. I don't understand it myself to be honest but there it is. Keep us posted.

[MockingbirdHL]

Cult - same here!  All my friends keep saying "I would have left long ago" and "I don't know why you put up with this" and so on, and I really don't have a good answer for them. Typically (ie before this r/s) I would not have put up with this #%^* more than once. But here I am after all this time, still standing. Barely, some days, but nevertheless.

I need to spend time with my H too. It's so difficult when he's gone so many days and then when he's home he feels obliged to split his time between me, my D10, his D13 (who takes precedence over everyone and everything else), his parents etc.

Though its what I want ultimately, it p***es me off when he starts acting like this never happened. Asking me about expensive purchases he wants to make etc. I feel like saying "do you have the money?  Cause a week ago you emptied the bank account and left me with the house and the bills ... . !"  Things don't just go back to normal!  We may never go back to joint accounts (which might not be the worst thing ever) but right now he is on my account and has access to it and I'm not on his and have no access at all. That will have to change.

He's distracting himself with these special long-term projects - obsessing about one after the other, researching, pricing, planning. They rarely get to the actual implementation stage though. This is where his energies are focused now. I think they need to be focused on the issues, their solutions, our r/s and therapy.

I don't think I can go back into this without a strong commitment to ongoing therapy from him and I need to see ACTION not just talk ... .