My uBPDh never touches me

[crazylife]

My uBPDh never touches me, ever.Not just sexually, but ANY.  He has never been terribly affectionate but since i am "in the back" its like I am typhoid Mary. no offense to Mary.

I am wondering if this part of BPD and what others experiences are.

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[mitti]

My uBPDxbf was very affectionate and touchy in the beginning of the r/s, then he would gradually become less and less affectionate. Throughout the rest of the r/s (we were together for 4 years) it followed his cycles so when back in pull he would again not seem to get enough of me, holding me hand when watching a movie, spooning every night, to hardly noticing me when in push mode. But it never again went back to how it was in the beginning.

[stopltracr]

My uBPDw and I haven't even kissed in over 2 and a half years.  I'm a very physical person and our entire marriage (almost 12 years) she has used it as a weapon.  Only giving physical affection when she wanted something.  I haven't even tried to initiate sex or even a kiss in over a year and a half.  It's just another way for them to have some power over you.

[allibaba]

Throughout our 10 year relationship my uBPDh is very touchy feely and loving (as long as he is in a good space).  We also have a regular romantic life... . so not sure if the lack of touching is BPD (though it might relate to issues with intimacy)... .   just wanted to weigh in.

[T.I.P.]

Crazylife

I feel your pain.  My UBPDW shows me little to none affection.  It seems that she just endures my hugs and kisses because she is supposed to and NEVER initiates any physical contact.  It is a daily heartache that never goes away.  Here is a video you might like.  Consider it a "hug" sent your way.

T.I.P.

www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=W5mbldTkruM&feature=share

[cult]

My partner of 10 years was always very affectionate, always wanting contact, hand-holding, arm in arm, you name it. Our intimate life was very regular and satisfying as well. That has all gone out the window since April when she descended into a serious depression. No touching unless I initiate it. It's very painful, and I'm having a hard time with it all. Still confused and don't know whether I am staying or leaving. I feel your pain as well.     

[CodependentHusband]

Everyone's situation is different, so, take what I say about my dBPDw and my r/s with her for what it is worth as a unique sample. My wife used to be very affectionate and receptive to me early in the relationship. That's how I am by nature, so, of course, it was like heaven for me in the honeymoon phase. Things first started to cycle after we got married. Along with the rages, touching and intimacy began to more closely align with the pull behaviors, as others reported, and frequency of affection dropped off.

It took a lot of pain and practice, but I eventually got to a point where I no longer initiate any physical contact unless she makes it really clear that it is okay to do so... . Guess what started happening then... . Well, I regretfully report that any kind of physical affection continued to taper off, BUT there was/is an upside to this. The aggression and rage frequency and intensity started to improve. I believe now that our relationship started to really stabilize then. I gave her complete control over physical touch, and it improved the overall stability of the relationship. I'll tell you... . I do get lonely from this current arrangement, but I still love my wife very much and having more peace around the house is a nice change. I also firmly believe that my wife was sexually abused as a child, and that aspect of her life not only contributed to her having BPD in the first place, but it also explains her need to have so much control.

My wife is nowhere near a point where she is even considering therapy, so, this may well be how things will be for the rest of her life. That's something I'm okay with right now, but I don't know if I will always feel that way. It's taken a while, but I'm okay with things not being okay.

I wish you luck with this. I know it hurts, and I'm sorry you're going through this. You are not alone though.

[Chosen]

My uBPDh, when not dysregulated, is on the "normal" scale I suppose- not always very affectionate, but enough to know he wants to have a connection with me.

But he uses touch as a weapon, a wall, a punishment, something like that.  Whenver he is unhappy with me I would be warned not to touch him.  He would of course refuse hugs and kisses and if you try he will push you away.  I think it's because physical touch is connection, and at that moment he is painting me black and wants to disconnect instead. 

It sucks, but at least now I don't make a fool of myself for persistently trying.

[MockingbirdHL]

My uBPDh, when not dysregulated, is on the "normal" scale I suppose- not always very affectionate, but enough to know he wants to have a connection with me.

But he uses touch as a weapon, a wall, a punishment, something like that.  Whenver he is unhappy with me I would be warned not to touch him.  He would of course refuse hugs and kisses and if you try he will push you away.  I think it's because physical touch is connection, and at that moment he is painting me black and wants to disconnect instead. 

It sucks, but at least now I don't make a fool of myself for persistently trying.

This is exactly the same as my dBPDh. When he's dysregulated, I get the "don't touch me" even from my hand on his arm or "back off".

[Chosen]

I guess it's probably because touching = affection and love, and he feels that you are not being loving (you are an evil person), so he needs to do something to create this reality. 

Which I think makes things difficult as sometimes words don't help but just a hug makes things better... .

[jedicloak]

A couple questions if I may. How long has this behavior been going on as it is? Did something specific trigger this or was it just a slow long process of distancing himself physically from you? Is he depressed and what is his conduct like in other ways with other people - does he engage others, or does he isolate?

[Wishful thinking]

My dBPDh has stopped touching me since a specific time last year.

He uses sex as a weapon. I can get it only when he feels i deserve it. I dont initiate.

[artman.1]

Been Married to my UBPDW for nearly 45 years.  She stopped her part of Intimacy after a couple of years soon after our first Son was born, But she still allowed me to initiate Intimacy, and we proceeded to have two more Sons.  After our third Son was born and they were 3, 4, & 5 years old, she filed for a divorce and was having an affair.  Her Boy Friend Robbedus and then she agreed to reconcile.  She was always a good Mother to the boys, so I reconciled.  After remaining in the, only me being allowed to initiate Intimacy, Mode for another two years, at about 37 years ago, she stopped all intimacy altogether and that is how it is today.  She won't even hold hands.  No affection, no intimacy, no sex, just a room-mate.  It is a Lonely Life and I would NOT recommend it for anyone.  I have accepted that she will NEVER change.  Like Codependent Husband, I think she must have been sexually abused at some time but has never let that out.  She is Diagnosed as Bipolar, but never responded to Bopolar type treatment and has seven out of the nine traits of BPD.  She has not cut herself, or tried suicide.  I think she is high functioning, but who knows for sure.  I have detached such that I no longer expect anything from her.

Art

[Wishful thinking]

@artman

Its a lonely life and I would not recommend it to anyone... .

Your words hit home for me. Its been 2years for me only. And its been mostly sadness, confusion and disappointment. Everyone says its never like it was in the beginning. Theres no growth, no new level, no excitement.

Thank you for your wise words

[cult]

I am so, so sorry for the pain many of the posters to this thread have experienced.

It's only been a couple of months that my situation has been similar to many of these stories ... . but I don't know how long I will be able to handle the situation being this bad. Every week is worse as far as her distancing. We've gone from her initiating intimacy nearly all of the time to zero... . nada... . nothing. The most I can get is a peck on the lips good night and occasionally a hug. No hand holding, no verbal expressions of affection/love - nothing at all.

I am trying to be understanding of her, but as I get healthier myself I will have my limit.

I'm trying to be loving for both of us. It's a new thing that "I" am even in the equation at all.

I certainly can't envision myself putting up with this for years as so many of you have... . what concerns me the most is that it is not getting better, if anything it is getting worse... . yet she still tells me she loves me and I can still sense her love many times.

It's going on 2 months. She is in therapy, depression, PTSD, no meds yet but she has an appointment. From what I understand of PTSD it is a parachute ride into the depths of Hades, similar to BPD in many ways.

She tells me she hears all of my requests, no matter how mundane, as demands, then she gets resentful and (childishly) decides she won't meet the request simply because I made it, and I always try to tell her what to do/feel/think. 

I am working on my codependency issues. I am a dominant, controlling codependent and the situation in our relationship (her not working, her being a passive codependent, etc) over the last few years especially has led to an extremely negative and toxic environment presently.

At this time I have hope we can survive this but it will take time, patience, much work and a commitment on both sides.

Thank you all for sharing and again, I am so sorry for the pain.