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Author Topic: breakthrough of sorts...  (Read 471 times)
doubleAries
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the key to my destiny is me


« on: May 25, 2013, 11:10:36 PM »

My T asked me to post this story on here, so I am.

(background)

My bipolar stbx husband and I will have our divorce finalization next month. For half my life (half my life!) I lived with him in a 16 foot camp trailer with no running water or electricity. Because we are dirt poor? No--I own a business and grossed a quarter million in sales last year. It's because he's bipolar 1 with psychotic features, ASPD and NPD. He abhors change of any kind (the camp trailer was supposed to be what we lived in while we built a house--which never happened).

Why did I do this for half my life? Because I grew up with a BPD witch mother, and became a codependent, self doubting, self second guessing martyr.

I moved out last December to a rental and just this month bought a beautiful home. I mean it is GORGEOUS. Fabulous terms, custom home, great price, owner finance. I keep pinching myself to see if i'm really awake and this is really MY house! Stbx is buying me out on the primitive property and is happy as well. Which brings me to the meat of the story.

The first night I actually spent in my new house, I was downright giddy. Then all of a sudden, I developed an irrational fear of the attached garage. Look, I'm not given to panic attacks or anything like that, so it was really weird. Finally I had to sit down on the couch and sort out what was really going on (because I know I'm not really scared of a garage!). I started thinking maybe I'm just uncomfortable because this place is so huge (2500 sf)--the vague apprehensive feeling in the pit of my stomach was letting me know I was getting warmer (but not yet there). I went through several "ideas" (hey--after growing up with a witch for a mother, emotions aren't safe, and I have a hard time identifying them) I finally nailed it--I could tell by the explosive apprehension feeling. I'm a "filthy greedy pig" for indulging myself. I don't deserve a beautiful home. I'm an imposter. A phony, a fraud. A FILTHY GREEDY PIG. Which, of course, is ridiculous. But I heard that nearly every day of my life as a child, and even though consciously I didn't believe it, and knew my mom was warped, it obviously sunk in unconsciously.

It only took me about a half hour to work through this. No, it isn't completely dispelled, and still rears its pointy little head, but with less impact and doesn't shove it's way through in the form of irrational fears.

Anyway, my T thought this may be helpful for some of the rest of you, so I'm sharing it.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Cumulus
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« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2013, 06:02:55 AM »

Thank you for posting. So much for me to process as I read through. Your T was right, it is helpful to me. Our stories are different but the threads of abuse that weaves them together is very strong. I know the purpose of posting was not to elicit sympathy but oh DA how could it not. My heart filled with compassion and sorrow for you, for me, for all who have endured the sadness of having our childhood selves be less than human. And who believed it to be so.

The questions that came to mind as I read of your situation are ones that I ask myself as well. You asked why? Why did I stay? Do you think there is more to it then the feeling of this is all I deserve? Self deception was a huge part of why I stayed. I wanted everything to be just fine and if I believed it to be so, it would be so.

How do we get to the point where we feel deserving of the good things life offers? You didn't mention it but I wondered if you too practise a lot of self denial. I have a hard time knowing the difference between practicality and self denial and indulgence and accepting my needs.

Again, thank you. I smile thinking of you in that beautiful new home. Fill it with love, happy colors and you. 
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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2013, 09:01:16 AM »

You know, if people can sue McDonalds over hot coffee being hot, it seems like we should be able to sue the people for implanting lies into our heads when we were too young to fight back.  Your honor, I was three, I want some money NOW.   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  So many lies that continue to haunt a person.  I'm glad you were able to pinpoint the lie and recognize it for what it is, total nonsense.  My faith helps a lot with this, if my creator planned me and loves me, that is some big value and worthiness.  He knows how many hairs are on my head and he is concerned with every little detail of my life.  Pretty solid ground.  The world will hate you one minute, love you the next, it's shifty sand.  Having a relationship with my maker confronts the lies and shines a spotlight on the truth.  I am divinely loved and so are you. 
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doubleAries
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the key to my destiny is me


« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2013, 09:48:25 AM »

Thanks, Cumulus and Rose Tiger!

For so long, I have not wanted the past to effect the present that I have come to believe it just doesn't. There's a split line in my life--"before and after", like in those pictures in magazines. Except it's not weight loss, it's function and dysfunction. I ought to be able to overcome all this through sheer will power alone! 

Cumulus, you are correct--there is more to it than "this is all I deserve". There is the complex and partly hidden belief that I must help/fix someone in order for them to like or love me. No one would just like me, would they? Of course not! I have to trick them into it by making myself indispensable in some way. And the more dysfunctional they are, the easier it may be to do that, PLUS then I could perhaps maybe sort of hopefully prove I have a modicum of worth/value (to who? me? "the world"? My mom I haven't talked to in 22 years?) So naturally I am magnetized to fixer uppers that are not capable of intimacy. The irresistible force meets the immovable object. That way I can re-experience the futility of childhood, of the belief that my behavior and/or existence really was the cause of others wrath (just like mom said), so that perhaps I could figure it out this time around, since I wasn't able to then. Hmmmm... . still futile! 

My self deception has a decidedly OCD flavor. I have not wanted to believe I was on a futile, circular path emotionally. The problem was I JUST DIDN'T DO A GOOD ENOUGH JOB--OBVIOUSLY! Thusly, I find it beyond difficult to feel sympathy or compassion for myself (those things look narcissistic and greedily self indulgent to me)--instead, I feel shame.

I too think self denial is actually practicality. Sometimes I have food going bad in my refrigerator even as my stomach is rumbling in hunger, because it would be greedy to eat it. This is so incredibly obvious that it's embarrassing--my brothers and I weren't allowed to eat ("filthy greedy pigs!" as kids. Duh--now I stand looking forlornly into the refrigerator, hungry but afraid to eat, yet thinking this couldn't have anything at all to do with my childhood!   It couldn't! I'm a grown up now! My mom isn't here and hasn't been for years! So there must be some other "practical" reason for this behavior! These things are unconnected! 

At least I'm not scared of my garage now
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Maryiscontrary
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« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2013, 04:41:39 PM »

Wow, I have similar issues. I personally could not handle a house, but I have a gorgeous RV trailer that is custom pimped out exactly how I want it, and it could be put anywhere. I mean it is nice. It seems like there was always somebody running interference. The big thing is learning to enjoy the free time. I am so used to busting my ass, that I feel weird. Also, I am going on a 3-4 week vacation across the Mountain standard time regions of the US. Never got to do this.

 
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