My T asked me to post this story on here, so I am.
(background)
My bipolar stbx husband and I will have our divorce finalization next month. For half my life (half my life!) I lived with him in a 16 foot camp trailer with no running water or electricity. Because we are dirt poor? No--I own a business and grossed a quarter million in sales last year. It's because he's bipolar 1 with psychotic features, ASPD and NPD. He abhors change of any kind (the camp trailer was supposed to be what we lived in while we built a house--which never happened).
Why did I do this for half my life? Because I grew up with a BPD witch mother, and became a codependent, self doubting, self second guessing martyr.
I moved out last December to a rental and just this month bought a beautiful home. I mean it is GORGEOUS. Fabulous terms, custom home, great price, owner finance. I keep pinching myself to see if i'm really awake and this is really MY house! Stbx is buying me out on the primitive property and is happy as well. Which brings me to the meat of the story.
The first night I actually spent in my new house, I was downright giddy. Then all of a sudden, I developed an irrational fear of the attached garage. Look, I'm not given to panic attacks or anything like that, so it was really weird. Finally I had to sit down on the couch and sort out what was
really going on (because I know I'm not really scared of a garage!). I started thinking maybe I'm just uncomfortable because this place is so huge (2500 sf)--the vague apprehensive feeling in the pit of my stomach was letting me know I was getting warmer (but not yet there). I went through several "ideas" (hey--after growing up with a witch for a mother, emotions aren't safe, and I have a hard time identifying them) I finally nailed it--I could tell by the explosive apprehension feeling. I'm a "filthy greedy pig" for indulging myself. I don't deserve a beautiful home. I'm an imposter. A phony, a fraud. A FILTHY GREEDY PIG. Which, of course, is ridiculous. But I heard that nearly every day of my life as a child, and even though consciously I didn't believe it, and knew my mom was warped, it obviously sunk in unconsciously.
It only took me about a half hour to work through this. No, it isn't completely dispelled, and still rears its pointy little head, but with less impact and doesn't shove it's way through in the form of irrational fears.
Anyway, my T thought this may be helpful for some of the rest of you, so I'm sharing it.
