need his help but he is gone for now

[Depression = 72% of members]

my BPDbf said he would install something in my house that i really need installed.  he brought it up a few weeks ago, and i was so grateful that he was willing to do it. (and that HE brought it up).  but, he has "broken it off" again.

i do not have the money to pay anyone, and i have no idea how to do it myself.  i thought maybe i could try to do it, but i would probably hurt myself trying to install it, as it is way too heavy for me to pick up and hold, and i don't think i could maneuver it, figure out how to do it, and accomplish it. 

i have been and am pretty independent, before my bf, and especially having gotten used to doing a lot of things on my own while being in a relationship with him. but, this... . i just know it's not possible.

i did ask a male friend of mine to install it last year, and he did his best, but it didn't turn out too well, and was not installed correctly, and he was frustrated the whole time, asking "how the H*LL does _____ (bf's name) do this?"

i want to call him or text him to ask him if he's willing to do it.  i don't want him to feel any pressure, or think i'm being "manipulative."

i am so mad at myself that i don't have a "normal" partner, who follows through with things, who helps with what needs to be done around the house, who i don't have to wait for and walk on eggshells about when i need some help with something. and, don't get me wrong, i am SO grateful for any help i get--i do most things myself.

i am praying about it, and racking my brain trying to come up with solutions.

my bf is very good at things like this, and he seems to like to do it, and seems to feel good about being helpful whenever he had done it.  it's the one thing he seems to do without me asking.  i.e. he always had his clothes strewn about and would never pick those up, and he hated helping with the dishes, but he likes doing the "man jobs," as we have always joked about.

i don't want to suffer, or be a victim or martyr - not having a solution, and just dealing with it not being done ) i really need it to be put in! but, i don't have a solution right now, hard as i try to come up with one... .

any thoughts?

[wdone]

my BPDbf said he would install something in my house that i really need installed.  he brought it up a few weeks ago, and i was so grateful that he was willing to do it. (and that HE brought it up).  but, he has "broken it off" again.

i do not have the money to pay anyone, and i have no idea how to do it myself.  i thought maybe i could try to do it, but i would probably hurt myself trying to install it, as it is way too heavy for me to pick up and hold, and i don't think i could maneuver it, figure out how to do it, and accomplish it. 

i have been and am pretty independent, before my bf, and especially having gotten used to doing a lot of things on my own while being in a relationship with him. but, this... . i just know it's not possible.

i did ask a male friend of mine to install it last year, and he did his best, but it didn't turn out too well, and was not installed correctly, and he was frustrated the whole time, asking "how the H*LL does _____ (bf's name) do this?"

i want to call him or text him to ask him if he's willing to do it.  i don't want him to feel any pressure, or think i'm being "manipulative."

i am so mad at myself that i don't have a "normal" partner, who follows through with things, who helps with what needs to be done around the house, who i don't have to wait for and walk on eggshells about when i need some help with something. and, don't get me wrong, i am SO grateful for any help i get--i do most things myself.

i am praying about it, and racking my brain trying to come up with solutions.

my bf is very good at things like this, and he seems to like to do it, and seems to feel good about being helpful whenever he had done it.  it's the one thing he seems to do without me asking.  i.e. he always had his clothes strewn about and would never pick those up, and he hated helping with the dishes, but he likes doing the "man jobs," as we have always joked about.

i don't want to suffer, or be a victim or martyr - not having a solution, and just dealing with it not being done ) i really need it to be put in! but, i don't have a solution right now, hard as i try to come up with one... .

any thoughts?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

Hi WD. 

Sounds like this task sort of symbolizes all that he is absent for.  It also sounds like this seems like an excuse to reach out, and you are not sure whether you should use it (you sound like you feel a little guilty about using it).

What's your current stance on his absence?  Waiting for him to return on his own?  From what I recall from your story, you often "ping" him while he is away and just check in.  So this doesn't seem like it would be a departure from your normal, viable pattern.  Any reason not to say "hi -- thinking of you.  When you're ready to be in touch, I'd love to see you.  I'm struggling with how to install X, too, and if you think you might want to have dinner in the next few days, maybe we could take care of that then?  Otherwise, I'll figure out some other way of dealing with it, probably hiring someone.  If you have suggestions for that I'd be grateful.  Thinking of you."  I dunno.  Something honest & straightforward that doesn't suggest you're going to replace him with whomever you get to install the thing

I don't see anything wrong with such communication since some gentle low key touches are something  you often do and it seems not to be a bad thing with the two of you.

Was his last message to you the "final warning" business?

[wdone]

yes. it does symbolize that!

maybe subconsciously i'd like an excuse, but i am really at a loss and in need of help. and i am that broke that i honestly couldn't hire someone... .

i like your suggestion, and i like the part where i tell him i'll try to figure it out if he can't--he may still take that as me guilting him. if i ask if he has any suggestions, he may be overwhelmed--often he gets mad if i ask for anythings ie a suggestion about something i don't know about.

what did your question mean about the last warning?  ... . i don't know what he meant, if that's what you were asking.

thanks... .

[patientandclear]

what did your question mean about the last warning?  ... . i don't know what he meant, if that's what you were asking.

thanks... .

I was just wondering if there had been further communication since the "last warning" text.  Not sure that really has any bearing on this question though.  After all, a few months back he told you not to be in touch on pain of a restraining order, and then things went back to being delightful, so ... . it probably doesn't matter what his last communication said.

I think as a self-improvement exercise you should try not worrying all that much over whether you ask him for help with him or how you ask him.  Just ... . ask him.  Or don't.  And don't feel like anything whatsoever that matters hinges on whether or how you ask.

I'm just learning that part

[wdone]

thanks, good advice--i forgot again that it doesn't matter what i say or how i say it--it depends on his mood at the time i think thats whats making me nervous.  but, i have no control over his mood. maybe your point.

i am going to call or text now... . stomach is kind of upset, and has been all morning.  i really miss him, and am wondering what space he is in, and do need his help... .

thanks 

[Grey Kitty]

Hmmm... . you don't mention what you want installed, and it probably won't change my advice anyhow. Afterall, none of us here can talk you through installing something you can't lift

But let me ask--how big a job would it be for your bf to install it? An hour's work? Half a day? All weekend? Does he have to buy anything else for the job?

Also, how urgently do you need it installed?

It sounds like you are off to contact him already, but I've got two thoughts:

Read about communication tools like SET or DEARMAN, and see if it might help on this specific request.

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

The other is can you wait until you are back in more normal communications before asking? It might go over better.

[wdone]

Hmmm... . you don't mention what you want installed, and it probably won't change my advice anyhow. Afterall, none of us here can talk you through installing something you can't lift

But let me ask--how big a job would it be for your bf to install it? An hour's work? Half a day? All weekend? Does he have to buy anything else for the job?

Also, how urgently do you need it installed?

It sounds like you are off to contact him already, but I've got two thoughts:

Read about communication tools like SET or DEARMAN, and see if it might help on this specific request.

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

The other is can you wait until you are back in more normal communications before asking? It might go over better.

thanks, GK.  i did text him already, and no response.

it would take him about an hour i think, maybe a half an hour... . it took my guy friend about 3 hours i think.    my bf has done it so many times, and he is good at this kind of thing as well... . he wouldn't have to buy anything or so anything but put it in with the things he stored somewhere from the last time he did it... . i am not sure where he put those things, but think they might be in a storage shed at the house, or in a closet... .

it is pretty urgent.  and, he knows that.

today,  i thought that maybe he is trying to "punish me" as he has said in the past (not about this issue specifically, he hasn't said that)--

but then i wonder if he is just incapable of responding right now and paranoid and afraid... .

i did run into a mutual friend of ours (more his friend) last night, and he said my bf is doing fine.  i can't interpret that as he is fine, as my bf doesn't open up to anyone, but me. his friend said they talked about work and his living situation, recently.  (my bf hates where he lives, and usually does, be it with me, with a roommate, by himself... .

i will read those links now.

thanks

[wdone]

o.k. so. i read the SET instructions again.  i am going to make an attempt at communicating with him (via example on here first).

S - i care about how you feel, and i want to support you. i don't mean to overwhelm you by asking you to install the equipment and i wonder if you feel like if you contact me and install it, you will be back in all of your fears around relationship stuff.

E - i hear that you want space. i understand that you have said you get overwhelmed in a relationship because of money and family stuff, and that you have not felt adequate enough to be in a relationship.  i hear that you are aware of and worry that every time we engage, "it" happens again. i understand that must be scary and frustrating. 

T - you make a lot of money, and are supporting yourself, and we are both learning to budget better.  I am taking big steps in my financial growth, and committed to it getting better. my family is very forgiving and loving, and even if they weren't, i think you are good enough.  we have been ok financially so far, right?  neither of our families have disowned you, right?

you have been stating that you are aware that when "it" happens, it is your trauma and trust issues, and not a result of anything i have done or said.

[wdone]

that was helpful. i don't know if i did it correctly. feedback would be great!

[Grey Kitty]

SET is best for communicating a specific thing that he doesn't want to hear / doesn't want to think about, but is an actual reality that will bite him in the ass whether he is aware of it or not.

People use it for things like telling somebody that they need to sign up for insurance and pay for it.

I'm not clear what you are trying to communicate in your example here, but it seems more general and rambling, and related to the installation. It has lots of validating parts (good). I'm afraid that you put some things in the "T" section that seem like they would come off more invalidating than validating, the stuff about your family and being judged/disowned.

DEARMAN is  for a specific request, where you are asking him to do something for you and he has the choice of doing what you want or not doing what you want. I think there is a workshop specifically on it too.

[wdone]

SET is best for communicating a specific thing that he doesn't want to hear / doesn't want to think about, but is an actual reality that will bite him in the ass whether he is aware of it or not.

People use it for things like telling somebody that they need to sign up for insurance and pay for it.

I'm not clear what you are trying to communicate in your example here, but it seems more general and rambling, and related to the installation. It has lots of validating parts (good). I'm afraid that you put some things in the "T" section that seem like they would come off more invalidating than validating, the stuff about your family and being judged/disowned.

DEARMAN is  for a specific request, where you are asking him to do something for you and he has the choice of doing what you want or not doing what you want. I think there is a workshop specifically on it too.

i was just trying to validate him, i guess, and support, empathize, and do what it said... .

he is CONSTANTLY bringing up my dad, how can he face my dad, what is he going to say to my family about how he has behaved, family, family stuff, how will we deal with the family, what does my family think of him... . usually when we get close and when he brings up marriage... .

thanks, i will check out DEARMAN and try again. :/

[wdone]

SET is best for communicating a specific thing that he doesn't want to hear / doesn't want to think about, but is an actual reality that will bite him in the ass whether he is aware of it or not.

also, he will literally grit his teeth sometimes when he is dysregulated and when we talk about "us." he always "gets bit in the ass" when he feels intimacy, or when he leaves... . i think i was trying to address the main problem.  he complains about how he feels so emotional and can't win either way and that "it" is there whether he is with me or not--(that he still feels emotions and that "we" don't go away and it is overwhelming) and, of course, it affects not only him, but me... . so i think i was trying to address that... . but maybe i should have brought up the dr/psychiatrist.

i am confused.

[wdone]

o.k. so. i read the SET instructions again.  i am going to make an attempt at communicating with him (via example on here first).

S - i care about how you feel, and i want to support you. i don't mean to overwhelm you by asking you to install the equipment and i wonder if you feel like if you contact me and install it, you will be back in all of your fears around relationship stuff.

E - i hear that you want space. i understand that you have said you get overwhelmed in a relationship because of money and family stuff, and that you have not felt adequate enough to be in a relationship.  i hear that you are aware of and worry that every time we engage, "it" happens again. i understand that must be scary and frustrating. 

T - you make a lot of money, and are supporting yourself, and we are both learning to budget better.  I am taking big steps in my financial growth, and committed to it getting better. my family is very forgiving and loving, and even if they weren't, i think you are good enough.  we have been ok financially so far, right?  neither of our families have disowned you, right?

you have been stating that you are aware that when "it" happens, it is your trauma and trust issues, and not a result of anything i have done or said.

i guess i could add to this, too:

you have installed it in the past and have seemed to feel good about doing it. i have been very grateful and appreciate when you do it. 

?

[arabella]

I agree that DEARMAN might be a better model for this particular situation - where you are making a request. SET is more for just telling someone something. You definitely aren't telling him to install the item, it's an asking type thing, right?

Here's the DEARMAN workshop: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

I can see where you're going with the conversation you posted, wdone. I think you may be trying to tackle too much all at once. This may just be interpreted by your pwBPD as overwhelming, confusing, and/or invalidating. It's not even just the words, so much as the quantity. That is a lot of 'loaded' topics to bring up in one shot. Perhaps just stick to the installation issue and then only address some of the other things if he brings them up specifically? (e.g. No point in reminding him about family problems unless he's already on that wave when you're speaking to him.)

The validating statements you've added in should fit into the DEARMAN scheme very well!

[wdone]

o.k., thank you... .

i am so tired. *i* am overwhelmed. i am so sad, and miss him so much. i'm baffled. why am i baffled every time? i guess i will never be able to wrap my mind around how someone can push someone away after being so close and so loving, and it feels so right, and natural, and like we were on track... .

i am so disappointed. 

i'm going to try DEARMAN soon on here. thanks again.

:'(

[arabella]

i am so tired. *i* am overwhelmed. i am so sad, and miss him so much. i'm baffled. why am i baffled every time? i guess i will never be able to wrap my mind around how someone can push someone away after being so close and so loving, and it feels so right, and natural, and like we were on track... .

i am so disappointed. 

I feel like this a lot these days. It's really hard. It really is overwhelming and it really does take a toll on us. You're doing great though - you're still here, still posting, still working on things.  My main thing right now is to try to work on the detaching. I'm finding it's helping a little with the disappointment aspect. Now to let go of expectations without letting go of optimism or hope. It's draining - dealing with all of this and trying to still have a life. Are you doing things for yourself too? I don't mean installations either! Are you remembering to take special care of yourself and your needs? I forget on a regular basis and then I just feel twice as drained.

I hope you post your DEARMAN work here - I'm not very good at it yet so I really appreciate seeing others work at it and receive feedback!

[Grey Kitty]

wdone,

Sorry to hear that this sort of crap is getting to you today. 

I had one more thought about the installation:

You've had your bf "go away" and "come back" before... . do you think that when he decides to "come back" next, he is likely to happily and quickly do this installation project for you?

The reason I ask is that I'm afraid that working on two things at once (especially in the same conversation with a pwBPD) is likely to go badly. I do see you as upset by two different things here:

1. He hasn't done this installation. (a quick and easy job for him)

2. He's currently withdrawn/dsyregulated/painted you black/whatever, and you are missing him.

Consider picking one issue first, and working through your options and strategy for it, independent of the other. (Then look at the second issue independently)

And please, look at what else you can do to take care of yourself--Arabella hit that one right!

[wdone]

thanks, arabella, and grey kitty for your insight and compassion.

you are both right--i guess i grouped the 2 issues together. they do seem to go together, though... . but when he is not dysregulated, it is not an issue... .

i do want to address the main/core issue--which is him disappearing/breaking it off and him not being treated. 

i will attempt to do that after a break from this stuff with him.

as for taking care of myself, i had a huge project today that turned out really well, and i feel so good about it.  i was so involved in it, that i hardly thought about my bf at all today--or anything else, like eating consistently.    i did have a good meal tonight and i am exhausted and will sleep in tomorrow. 

thanks for all the much needed support and understanding!