Do I confront her on the death threats?

[Depression = 72% of members]

No matter what I do, my uBPD mother will tell me how it will lead to my death, and how much it would upset HER (not me, her) if I died or got injured.

The boyfriend was utterly taken aback when she told me I "couldn't" go out of town for memorial day, because I would die in a car crash, and she hates getting calls that people are dead. I am dealing with it around the boyfriend with dark sarcasm "I'm going to choke to death on these tacos, with extra cheese!" but I am wondering if I should put my foot down on this. I am tired of being told I'll die every time I pick up the phone.

It's a bullying way to limit my behavior. It's not fear or anxiety; it's intimidation and bullying. She's not afraid of losing me. She's jealous of my activities and friends, and tries to paint them as mortally dangerous so I won't enjoy myself. I'm finally seeing this behavior for what it is.

[XL]

No matter what I do, my uBPD mother will tell me how it will lead to my death, and how much it would upset HER (not me, her) if I died or got injured.

The boyfriend was utterly taken aback when she told me I "couldn't" go out of town for memorial day, because I would die in a car crash, and she hates getting calls that people are dead. I am dealing with it around the boyfriend with dark sarcasm "I'm going to choke to death on these tacos, with extra cheese!" but I am wondering if I should put my foot down on this. I am tired of being told I'll die every time I pick up the phone.

It's a bullying way to limit my behavior. It's not fear or anxiety; it's intimidation and bullying. She's not afraid of losing me. She's jealous of my activities and friends, and tries to paint them as mortally dangerous so I won't enjoy myself. I'm finally seeing this behavior for what it is.

[Marcia]

Yeah, Judging by my BPD mom's behavior over the years, they can really let their irrational anxiety dominate people in their lives--and especially if it involves someone in their family having a fun trip without them. I think my mom would get jealous, get mad and then just flip her emotional cocktail into anxiety and fear.  It was annoying, but I think it would be hard to stop her--it was also a way to turn the attention on her, another plus that would cement the behavior.

It is silly--I think you could try telling her that... . see if you get any change, anyway

[yamada]

Good on you and you will just have to risk all those horrible outcome like everyone else does and go out.

[BlueCat]

Ugh  Do you think it would help if you said anything? Because honestly, I would say something just to get it off my chest but in all honestly all that will probably work is that you have to do something (like hang up) every time she says it.

She will probably not learn (it depends on her), but you'll be doing it for you.

[yamada]

Nope it will just encourage her as she now has you engaged.

[Deb]

I read a book called (I think) Controlling People, that had some good suggestions for dealing with people like that. Things like staring at them and saying "WHAT?" And if they repeat it to say that again. It's been awhile since read it. Maybe saying something like "Why would you say that?" Or just "that's inappropiate." Or you could set a boundary, like "If you keep saying that,I will leave." If you keep saying X, I will do Y. When she doesn't get the reaction she wants, maybe she will back off. Just some brainstorming here.

[Sasha026]

I can tell you from my experience that when I had the opportunity to go on vacation with my husband, even when he was my fiance, my mother would hurt herself. First, it started with a burned hand, then a broken rib. When that didn't get the attention she wanted, she went a bit further and started feigning medical problems like a stroke or heart attack. I never quite knew what I was coming back to and to say the least, it ruined every vacation. I started to anticipate the medical emergency which made me a nervous wreck.

What you are going through is textbook manipulation - just like me. My mother died this past February and to be quite honest, I'm glad because I knew the "melodrama of the week" is now over. But, it has effected me by making me hyper-vigilent of my own health. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop; not because it will (I've had relatively good health in the last two years), but it's a pattern that I've become accustom to. Because of the craziness, it has made an indelible mark and is a contributor to my PTSD, anxiety disorder and panic disorder. I've made remarkable strides with all of this, but from time to time, it comes back when I least expect it.

If you don't put your foot down now, you could also develop this "pattern" of anxiety that is almost impossible to break due to her constant abuse and brainwashing. You joke about it now (as I used to), but it get's in... . like Pavlov's dogs. She will ring the bell and you will salivate. This is abuse. Verbal and mental abuse. You are entitled to a relaxing vacation. Nothing is going to happen. The only thing that will happen is that you will have a good time.

I only give you this advise because I didn't understand what was happening back then and did all I could to make my mother comfortable. Unfortunately, all that did was make me uncomfortable for a good 50 years. You don't want to spend your life like I did, looking over your shoulder. If someone tells you something for a long time, you will begin to believe it and you will do anything to avoid it.

[XL]

What you are going through is textbook manipulation - just like me. My mother died this past February and to be quite honest, I'm glad because I knew the "melodrama of the week" is now over. But, it has effected me by making me hyper-vigilent of my own health. I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop; not because it will (I've had relatively good health in the last two years), but it's a pattern that I've become accustom to. Because of the craziness, it has made an indelible mark and is a contributor to my PTSD, anxiety disorder and panic disorder.

She's always had a very religiously vigilant attitude. Believes in fate, karma, synchronicity, prophecy, etc. While logically I know that these things are not proven/disproven, I still catch myself "spooked" by her weirdness. I do get nervous travelling, I do wait for the shoe to drop. I do have obsessive intrusive thoughts about death. Maybe once a minute (those are decreasing since confronting this).

However, I am also aware that the only things which have almost ever killed me were HER, myself, and food poisoning. I've kind of taken this nihilistic attitude recently; that the whole mess is ridiculous and all of our odds decrease to zero eventually. That actually helps defuse the madness.

But now I'm realizing it's not about death, it's about trying to shame/wreck my plans in the short term. She's pulling out the last card to try to stop me from having fun without her. "I'm not invited to the picnic? Then I had a psychic dream you died at the picnic."

This makes sense, that she's jealous (not terrified of mortality). Because she's been really inattentive and nonchalant the few times I've been in real danger. In fact, she usually antagonizes me to a point of extreme stress whenever I'm legitimately ill. I could never quite make that add up before. I think sorting out her motivation will help me confront this.

[XL]

I mean, really; this is the woman who told me I was doomed to die of AIDS when I brought home a really attractive boyfriend in late high school. I'm not sure why it took me so long to come to the "Jealousy" conclusion.

[Sasha026]

XL,

You get spooked, right? So did I. My mother was about the same. She would call me after two weeks of silent bliss, after doing her schtick, ranting and raving about some unknown cause then angrily going home. Why? Well, she had a dream that I was sick or my son was sick or my husband was sick... . it was her excuse to call. After a while, I started thinking, "Am I sick?" "Is anyone in my family sick?" The suggestion then went into my subconscious and I became vigilant. By this time, I had forgotten about the suggestion, but I was still reacting to it. This is an evil thing to do. Planting a fear because she needed an excuse to call. She knew that I wouldn't accept anything but an apology, so she used her concerned voice. After a while, it didn't work anymore. I got wise to her BS concern.

When my life was really in danger, she could care less. Once, my husband, son and I almost drowned in a pool. She was there. She saw us all under the water. Did she do anything? Nah! Not only that, but she was angry because we ruined her holiday. I was visibly shaken, holding my five year old son, but did she comfort me in any way? Nope - she was mad. And, there were many more times that I escaped death by moments. When she heard about my close shaves, was she concerned? No way.

All my mother cared about was herself. She couldn't even give me a hug when my husband dropped dead in front of me. She just couldn't lower herself to show concern and love. When asked, she replied, "I guess that's just not how I'm made up". I tell you, you have to stop listening to your mother's scare tactics. It's not fair to you because all it will do is make you a nervous woman.

[Rubies]

I began to see this as my mom speaking curses on me.  Through my childhood and early adulthood I let it go, said nothing.   these curses built nests in my hair, in my mind destroying my self worth, destroying me.  Smothered in negativity. 

I began confronting her every time that crap came out of her mouth.  "That is not nice, take it back."

Thing is, I can't change her, I can change me.  I can make different choices than allow someone to stand there and curse me.

Staying as no and low contact as possible and refusing to allow anyone to treat me like crap.   I refuse to CARE and wrap myself up in someone incapable of loving and caring about me.