Termination via text message

[Nearlybroken]

This morning I received a text message for long term BPD partner.It came after he accused me of stressing him out by trying to fight back against some of his negative interpretations of me.It read as follows "I hope we will remain friends.There will be no further discussions and I want my space.This will annoy and frustrate you I have no doubt but I cannot continue to talk to you anymore as it is having an effect on me.You say you care but you clearly do not.I will not be coming home and I  WILL NOT BE CONTROLLED BY YOU OR ANYONE!".

Help required... . what on earth do I say to that?Do I say anything at all?I have never tried to control him and have only ever spoken up to defend myself against utterly irrational accusations.I am so mad... . I tried to get him medical help,got him therapy ,listened to him,provided for him and THIS is what I get in return.I swear,I have been the best partner to him (probably to the extent that I normalised his utterly selfish behaviour)... . and this is what I get... . all for daring to speak up against his deluded viewpoint.Can someone please tell me how to react because I just don't know.I am upset that he has terminated things in such a dismissive manner ( I should also add that I got a series of texts prior to this telling me how horrible I was,deprived him of sex (his favourite accusation),was manipulative etc etc.I am also afraid of  how to cope financially if he leaves.I know whatever I do or say will be wrong in his eyes anyway but I need someone to tell me what is the right way to react.

[patientandclear]

The right way to react to anyone who is stating they want space or feel you are controlling them is to say "take all the space you need."

It's up to you what remains when & if he returns.

The fear of being controlled is a strong theme with pwBPD and is not necessarily related to real events in your current lives together -- it could be replaying sequences that happened in a prior traumatic connection they had with someone who did indeed use proximity and "love" to try to control them.

However, many of us who love damaged people do in fact try to exert control by "helping."  You write that you "got him therapy" and tried to help in various ways.  This can in fact be experienced by the other person as enormously controlling, unless they are driving that bus and asking you for help and you are just responding to their specific requests for assistance.

The Staying board is probably a better place for this discussion because the fact that he sent you that text doesn't mean he won't be back, and if he returns, and you are not finished with this r/s, you probably could use some help with validation, detachment and radical acceptance.

His leaving and his feelings are not an indictment of how much you tried to help him or how well you loved him.  You cannot help or love him out of the disorder and the chaos it causes in his feelings.  Sometimes the very best way to show someone you love them is to respect and validate where they are and what they're feeling, and let them feel it, and let them know that those feelings are not a threat to the r/s itself.

[bcomingme]

This is very similar to how my husband of 18 years left. He left via a facebook message. There was no warning. No previous fight. We had went out of town together two days before. Just an ice cold message saying it was over. I was at work. When I came home he was gone with the children. It took about two weeks for him to come back to the house. But I had filed for divorce by then. It was such a traumatic shock to me. He wouldnt see me or answer any phone calls during the time he was gone. This must be a typical way to break things off for them?

[leftbehind]

Nearlybroken, I'm so sorry for the pain and stress you feel around this.  Just wanted to add that my ex also broke up with me by email, and then when I confonted him in person accused me of trying to control him.  As PatientandClear says, it's part of their disease.  You did nothing wrong, so don't accept his guilt trip. 

[Murbay]

Nearlybroken, I'm am so sorry for the frustration you must be feeling right now but just know you aren't alone and there are a lot of people on here who can empathise with your situation.

bcomingme, I would totally agree that it seems to be a typical way and very cowardly. I guess it has something to do with not having to face any guilt or shame because it is so informal. My ex did something similar last year, when I was working away for a couple of months. However, in bizarre fashion she actually got her mother to e-mail my mother to tell her to tell me the marriage was over.

There was a very familiar pattern between her and her mother, if one of them had something to say to someone and they knew there was a potential backlash, they would get the other to make the contact rather than accept the responsibility themselves.

Patientandclear has something there too, by trying to help, in some ways there is an element of control from our side even though our perception is of the best intentions. It can also be a no win situation, because when I worked though this with my T and started to back away, I was branded as uncaring and unloving. That's perhaps the more frustrating element of the disease, since there doesn't seem to be any middle ground.

What you have to realise is that you haven't done anything wrong and right now you just need to take this time to work with yourself as it is the only thing you can do.

[Siamese Rescue]

If you question their inconsistent behavior and if you ask them to explain why what they said at 9:00 am and what they did at noon are opposites, if you demand an answer to where they were when they disappeared and wouldn't answer the phone overnight or if you tell them you believed them when they said they weren't having a sexual relationship with their ex and found their actions suggesting otherwise and you need to know what's going on... . you will be accused of being controlling... . I have lived it. It sucked.

[bcomingme]

Siamese Rescue... . this is exactly what I have lived with for 18 years! I could never get an answer to their behavior or even an explanation of their feelings. And maybe he doesn't really understand why he does what he does. But he's always said its his disorder so he can't be held responsible for what he does because he has no control over it. That is so frustrating! Someone can verbally abuse you or make horrible decisions but you can't confront them because "it's not their fault." Nothing ever gets resolved. I always chose just to forgive and accept the behavior. That was my only choice to keep harmony... .

[benny2]

Yes yes and yes, thank you siamese for reminding me of the horrible things I lived with while being under the same roof as him. Don't dare question the text messages, the phone calls, the lies or you will be thrown to the dogs.

[Jonie]

Hi NearlyBroken,

Ai, that sounds really familiar! The sudden pushing away, the false accusations, the neglect of your love and concern for your partner... . It happened to me several times, and although I know that deep in his heart he feels differently and wouldn't want to loose me at all, it's always a period of crisis: will he come back again or will it be definitely over this time?

I can only tell you what I do when this happens to me: I try to keep my ground. I know for sure that I don't want to lose him, and I promised myself that I would not let myself be guided by his actions. No: 'If he does this, I'll show him and I'll do that!'.

I try not to take his accusations seriously, nor his wish to end things. It may be just a bad reaction, even to something that has nothing to do with me at all.

I start by putting straight his false accusations in a calm, informing, explaining way. No calls or emails, but with short text messages. If the texting discussion grows out of control, I tell him that I'll get back to him later (sometimes with a made up excuse that I have to go to into a meeting or so).

Then I send text messages regularly (although not often), reminding him in a calm, caring way that I'm still there for us and that I value what we have, and that it will be allright. And I try not to get involved in the argument again.

Usually after a period of time (it may take weeks), we get back together again. With my partner, I learned that it's no use to try to talk things through. In his heart, he knows that these accusations are false, so it's better to leave that be. By dragging the subject up again, he will only feel the urge to convince me he is right.

Well, so far this worked for us - but every relationship is different of course!

[Vegasskydiver]

Hi NearlyBroken,

Ai, that sounds really familiar! The sudden pushing away, the false accusations, the neglect of your love and concern for your partner... . It happened to me several times, and although I know that deep in his heart he feels differently and wouldn't want to loose me at all, it's always a period of crisis: will he come back again or will it be definitely over this time?

I can only tell you what I do when this happens to me: I try to keep my ground. I know for sure that I don't want to lose him, and I promised myself that I would not let myself be guided by his actions. No: 'If he does this, I'll show him and I'll do that!'.

I try not to take his accusations seriously, nor his wish to end things. It may be just a bad reaction, even to something that has nothing to do with me at all.

I start by putting straight his false accusations in a calm, informing, explaining way. No calls or emails, but with short text messages. If the texting discussion grows out of control, I tell him that I'll get back to him later (sometimes with a made up excuse that I have to go to into a meeting or so).

Then I send text messages regularly (although not often), reminding him in a calm, caring way that I'm still there for us and that I value what we have, and that it will be allright. And I try not to get involved in the argument again.

Usually after a period of time (it may take weeks), we get back together again. With my partner, I learned that it's no use to try to talk things through. In his heart, he knows that these accusations are false, so it's better to leave that be. By dragging the subject up again, he will only feel the urge to convince me he is right.

Well, so far this worked for us - but every relationship is different of course!

If you are still together, then why are you on the leaving board?  Just curious... .

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you alll for your comments... . Vegas... . I posted on the wrong board!It's the all the stress!

[Jonie]

Hi Nearlybroken,


You asked why I'm on this board, well, simply because I didn't pay attention to which board I was on!

Besides, we our 'nearly broken' ourselves... . perhaps we already are... . This method worked for the 5+ years that we were together, but this time it has been 3 months now since we last met (!). I still stick to this method, but I'm getting pretty desperate.

[Billa]

If you question their inconsistent behavior and if you ask them to explain why what they said at 9:00 am and what they did at noon are opposites, if you demand an answer to where they were when they disappeared and wouldn't answer the phone overnight or if you tell them you believed them when they said they weren't having a sexual relationship with their ex and found their actions suggesting otherwise and you need to know what's going on... . you will be accused of being controlling... . I have lived it. It sucked.

yes... .

[Katsky]

Very familiar with this, and so sorry to hear of others' stories. I went through a lot of similar rages and paranoid rants, but I've copied down the text messages, over a period of three days, in which I was dumped two and a half years ago by uBPDexgf (when I was bedridden and ill):

"You don't care about me at all, and everytime i see that it hurts me. You should just stay out of my life."

"You show no concern and simply think about yourself. I don't want us to be friends now or ever. I am the only one making any kind of effort; you make it clear that you feel nothing. I will always remember you as someone who caused me massive amounts of pain"

"You're a cruel heartless b... . d and i am so f... . g rid of you. I hate you"

"Just stay out of my f... . g life. I F... . g hate you. I was clinging to the hope that you  actually had an ounce of feeling in you. You are the most evil, cruel, selfish person I have ever had the misfortune to meet."

"You really don't care about hurting me. there is only one thing i can do to hurt you just as much. I have nothing else to lose"

The last message was a suicide threat, "to hurt you just as much".