question about fear of abandoment

[benny2]

I have noticed in my relationship with my pwBPD that the closer we get, the more he becomes jealous and worries that I will replace him with someone else. I have told him that I can promise him as long as we are together, I would not do that, but I honestly think that is part of what makes him push me away, the fear of abandoment. So how do you work around that to avoid another push cycle? How do you convince them that you are not going to leave them?

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[coasterhusband]

This is a very good and relevant question.

I'm not sure that we nonBPD partners can ever "convince them we're not going to abandon". That's a deep seated and long term personality issue.

I struggle with this one with my uBPDw regularly. When she gets spun up and angry, I've been working HARD to disengage and walk away (based on boundaries being crossed or my own need to take a rest), but I get screamed at as I walk down the hall about "you're not allowed to walk away from me! You're abandoning me! You promised me you wouldn't abandon me!"

Yes, I get this screamed at me when I've said "I need to take a break, it's 730p... . I'll be back in 15 minutes at 745p".

I'm very interested to hear what others have to say, but I'm sorry to say that I believe the answer is that we can't change their feelings on abandonment, but we can change how we react to them when they're feeling it.

[Whichwayisup]

I agree, in fact it seems the more we try the more we seem to fail in my case:

About 3 1/2 weeks ago we had a conversation: (paraphrasing)

W - were you really not thinking about leaving after I lost it?

Me - I was concerned that you have admitted not actually remembering what you had said to me and that had worried me... . if you were in my position what would you have done?

W - honestly, I would have left me a long time ago

Me- Really?

W - Yep

Cue a hug from me to try and make the feelings better... .

Fast forward a few days later, she's no longer wearing her wedding ring and tells me we are splitting up, no hope of reconciliation as a result of me getting confused about giving her space by not placing my hand on her leg in car journeys - which seems to have been interpreted as abandonment... .   I’d like to think I would handle it differently now but the reality is, I don’t think there’s anything I could have done differently after 13 years

[benny2]

yes its so difficult to know what to do. I can remember one night when I was over there and he told me to move on and forget about him, but yet expected me to spend the night. I left and told him whats the difference if I walk out now or in the morning? He just sat with his head in his hands and said " so your really leaving now?"  I was totally taken back.  I could not believe that he just put me out of his life, but expected me to stay.

[committed]

I don't think the feelings of abandonment ever completely go away, but I do think a person w BPD can get to a point where they finally feel trust and a sense of security with us. Also, sometimes we don't recognize the fear of abandonment because it presents itself in a different manner than what we would think.

The first two years my BF and I were dating we lived about 100 miles apart and would only see each other on the weekends and occassionally during the week. There were many times when he would go home after spending the weekend with me and then refuse to call me or answer my calls or texts for days before suddenly coming back by the end of the week to see me again. I was so frustrated and it caused numerous arguments. I always wondered in the back of my mind if he was cheating on me.

He ended up moving to my town and moving in with me after he got laid off his job so he could find employment in the same town. After a couple of months, he and I were talking and I told him I was real nervous about him moving in with me but to my surprise I am amazed at how well we were getting along. He told me that when he would leave my house after spending a really good weekend with me, he would get an overwhelming fear that I was going to leave him, even though he said he had no reason to think that. He said it was so overwhelming and it would make him so depressed that he would push me away so he wouldn't get hurt. And, then when I didn't dump him by the end of the week, he would feel safer and would come back.

I was amazed... . I would not have ever guessed his behavior was based on a fear that I was going to abandon him. He is very high functioning and would never allow himself to show any sort of weakness or fear in public so he would hide it. It answered a lot of questions for me.

[Jeansok]

Hi there, I am new and came across this post. This is the first one I've seen about the going long periods of time with no communication (3-4 days). Everything I read here is uncanny to my situation to a T! I've will be married to my H 2 years in October. He has not been officially diagnosed, I recently did research to find out about this BPD and it's amazing this is exactly the traits he has of this. Long story short, when we were dating, he's go days with out responding to me, I just chalked it up to who he was, because when he did and we were together he was amazing. I never saw any part of this site until after we were married. Part of it I think I didn't notice is because I have a now 7 year old - I would have her week on week off and on the off weeks I'd see my now H... . Does that make sense?... . well there were red flags then I should have taken in to account that I see now. This was the first I had seen about that specifically of going long periods of time without saying anything. Just adds up to my already dead no doubt this is what he has. We go to a psych next week... . he tired one a couple of months recently and the counselor chalked his behavior up to "his personality type" ENFJ of the Myers Briggs... . ok. Though I don't know what was discusses. I hope this person we are seeing next week can help

[Whichwayisup]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this Jeansok,

In my case specifically, I'm now aware of the projection that also took place... . I would know through body language and non verbal cues when she was ready to re-engage and would have a sense for when things had calmed down... . When and just before they inevitably did, I would tell her I'm just waiting on her to calm herself but her response would confuse me as she would contend that she was as equally awaiting me to calm (even tho I was the patient displaying consistent behaviours for the benefit of the kids) I was perplexed how I could be giving off those vibes but as she knew me so well she must be correct, right? now I am out of the relationship, I can see that I never did, but she made the facts fit her emotion.   Tread carefully as you need to be sure of your part too... .

She works as a nurse and would have some shifts earlier, later and full days so it wasn't that difficult for her to 'avoid' communication while i cared for the kids and in many ways I trained myself to allow her time and space... . She verbalised that all i had to do was take the blame and move on quietly and we'd all be ok... . this was patently not acceptable to me and I told her so... . and eventually led to me thinking she was going to come round again after a few weeks of unusual communication only to find out she was having an affair... . She spent an increasing amount of time at various friends also in the weeks preceding the affair, I think of it as her evening escape... . Distraction

Look after yourself first and foremost, I have no idea whether a few days is typical in other relationships but it certainly was in mine (I'm trying to work out what is typical, period.)

My thoughts are with you, stay strong and read up on what the path ahead may be... .

In trust,

Whichwayisup

[HazelJade]

 

Fast forward a few days later, she's no longer wearing her wedding ring and tells me we are splitting up, no hope of reconciliation as a result of me getting confused about giving her space by not placing my hand on her leg in car journeys - which seems to have been interpreted as abandonment... .    I’d like to think I would handle it differently now but the reality is, I don’t think there’s anything I could have done differently after 13 years

I can relate to that.

I had episodes like these with my ex, of which I understood the full meaning only much later. One day he told me out of the blue that months before he had been looking me watching out of the window and that he knew I was thinking of leaving him. I did remember that moment, and remember that I was thinking I had been seldom happy like that in my whole life. I did told him, but I don't think he really believed me.

As someone here said, this is molding reality upon feelings to justify them. And it's the most difficult to fight, or prevent.

For me, it meant the end of the relationship, and something that still makes me very sad.

[Whichwayisup]

Spot on hazeljade,

In hindsight, I now know my stbexW had slept with her new victim on three occasions before I had written that on 28th March.  Truly sad that she was able to mould both her and my reality around that whilst I still thought I could wait til her dysregulation wore off... . Nothing I could have done could have stopped the behaviour she undertook, truly sad.

How have you been dealing with the issues that you have noticed in hindsight?

Whichwayisup