It is time to get off this emotional roller-coaster

[Confused76]

I posted yesterday regarding what has happened in my relationship over the past weekend.  If you are interested in the story, please read "I think my UBPD is cheating on me".

We have had a lot of back and forth yesterday and today, and I am still incredibly confused.  All signs point to that she is having an affair (or I might even be the other man), and at a minimum she lies about her going ons in fear of what my reaction may be.  I'd also like to say she has what I see as two other inappropriate male relationships in her life.

First, we have Eric, who is her ex.  They started dating when she was still in high school and he was in his early 20's.  From what I have been told, it was a very back and forth relationship with several breaks and reconciliation.  She said that he cheated on her several times, but he was the one that finally broke up with her.  Now, they have been separated for 5yrs, and they share custody with a dog (uBPD GF has primary care).  He usually comes and gets the dog once or twice a week, and stops over at lunch once or twice (her house) to let him out.  This always seemed a little strange, but I tried to remain non-judgemental.  What WAS strange, was when she told me Eric, started grabbing her "tit and ass", and playing it as a joke.  She said this was new behavior, and coincidentally after she had started talking about me.  She said that she has told him to stop, yet she has inferred to me months later, that it has not.

Second, we have Peter.  Peter is a bartender in her neighborhood, and they have been friends for several years (sounds like since her and Eric broke up).  At some point after we started dating, he confessed his love for her.  She told me that she had no feelings for him, and that he now knows this.  I asked if they had a history of any sort, and her exact reply was "No, wellll we almost had sex once".  The story was that shortly after meeting, they got drunk together, and fooled around, but she stopped it because she didn't have feelings that way for him.  Anyways, she claims to hardly ever talk to him anymore (though he texts and calls her, she just ignores, which is a SOP for her), but he still drops in about once every two weeks.

These are just examples of patterns that I have picked up in her, and how she handles men.  I feel like I am very likely just a pawn on the chessboard that is her life.  I feel that she is telling these other men (Roger, Eric, and Peter) similar stories about me.  My gut continues to tell me to leave, and save myself anymore hurt (I can't remember the last time I enjoyed being in this relationship), yet my mind keeps questioning if I'm over-analyzing things.

I'd like to share our text conversation this morning, and get opinions.  I have been trying very hard to be empathetic to her needs, while not allowing her to turn things around on herself and play a victim.  I am also trying to set boundaries, and stick to them, but she is rebelling against them and acting as if she doesn't have a say.  Please feel free to ask any questions, I will be checking back throughout the day.

imgur.com/a/TBwBR

[Validation78]

Hi Confused!

I can understand why this sort of stuff would upset you! Here's the thing about boundaries though, you have to communicate your boundaries by your actions when a boundary is crossed. You wouldn't just simply say to her, you can't do this or that. You have to decide for yourself, based on your values and boundaries, what behavior is acceptable or not acceptable. If the boundary is crossed, you then have to follow through with the consequence you feel is appropriate. You can read more about boundaries here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

If you need help understanding something, or how to follow through, let's continue to talk about this!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[shieldedheart]

The texts already seem like avoidance.  A normal person would be a lot more reassuring than to redirect you to their intentions of saying hello.  She wants to sweep it under the rug and it that doesn't work, expect more deflection to make you think you are imagining things.

Not to get you any more riled up but if it walks like a duck... . If any of the things you discovered happened all by themselves, singularly, then I'd say it was a coincidence.  But you were able to line up multiple dates.  That is a pretty good case for infidelity.

AND, if they had nothing to hide, I feel the FB would not have been locked down.

I have been in your position, and it hurts.     But have her prove to you that these things are not true that you are suspecting.  I will expect that on her end, she will tell these guys you are making her choose between you and her friends.  In reality, you are in control.  The choice is actually her vs. your sanity.

Good luck.  It sounds like you are in a pickle.  Make the best choice for YOU, not her.