Horrible ,Horrible feelings

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have to meet with expwBPD this weekend to sort things with our house... . I am in a mess over everything and dreading the meeting.I just do not feel like I am coping at all.I feel ill and drained all the time, cannot stop crying and am having panic attacks in my sleep.I don't know if I am dreading the meeting because I know awful things will be said to me or I am dreading it because deep down I don't want things to be over, I don't want him to be with someone else etc.I am just finding it really difficult to come to terms with everything.The whole thing is just ,well,too "crazy" for me to comprehend.I KNOW I have done the right thing for me but why does it FEEL like I have made a mistake?I swear I have cried almost constantly since the split... . I am wondering whether I am "addicted" to him... . other people break up from lovely relationships and get over things much more easily than I am doing.So why do I struggle to recover from what I know was a disfunctional relationship?I wish I could describe the pain I am in at the minute... .

[Nearlybroken]

I have to meet with expwBPD this weekend to sort things with our house... . I am in a mess over everything and dreading the meeting.I just do not feel like I am coping at all.I feel ill and drained all the time, cannot stop crying and am having panic attacks in my sleep.I don't know if I am dreading the meeting because I know awful things will be said to me or I am dreading it because deep down I don't want things to be over, I don't want him to be with someone else etc.I am just finding it really difficult to come to terms with everything.The whole thing is just ,well,too "crazy" for me to comprehend.I KNOW I have done the right thing for me but why does it FEEL like I have made a mistake?I swear I have cried almost constantly since the split... . I am wondering whether I am "addicted" to him... . other people break up from lovely relationships and get over things much more easily than I am doing.So why do I struggle to recover from what I know was a disfunctional relationship?I wish I could describe the pain I am in at the minute... .

[tomjon78]

Everyting you are feeling is "normal" after a rs with a BPD person. I´m going through the same scale of emotions: Anger, missing her, anxiety, panic attacs etc. etc. There is no pill or one day cure for this.

In my case I have finished all things regarding material things, she owes me a lot of money but I will let it go.

Just realize what you are feeling is what most people here are going through. It´s like dealing with an addiction. Your thought during anxiety can fool you and make you even take not so wise decisions.

Just one day at a time. No contact and distance is the key. Are you seeing a therapist for you feelings and anxiety? In my case that is so essential for my mental health.

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you for your words... . I tried to seek therapy when I was with him but wasn't able to do so under the UK health system (according to my GP) and couldn't afford to pay privately.It's a shame because I think I need it badly.I feel very alone ( this forum is the only place I feel "safe" enough to talk and say how I feel) and could do with someone to sort out my tangled head!I am seeing my doctor tomorrow and am going to ask again for help but on the basis that it is ME who is suffering not my expwBPD... . I can't really put it into words but I just cannot comprehend what has gone on.I think I am in danger of a depression.

[Billa]

.I KNOW I have done the right thing for me but why does it FEEL like I have made a mistake?I swear I have cried almost constantly since the split... . I am wondering whether I am "addicted" to him... . other people break up from lovely relationships and get over things much more easily than I am doing.So why do I struggle to recover from what I know was a disfunctional relationship?I wish I could describe the pain I am in at the minute... .

I feel for you, I feel the same as you... .

[em754]

I feel for you. I am still with my BPD wife but can feel it all coming to an end. I too am dreading it, it does not make any sense to feel this way after all that has happened. I would recommend you see someone soon to get some help and advice. I am currently being treated for depression from the ongoing stress in our relationship, it does not fix it but it does help.

Good luck

[tomjon78]

Depression is normal after a BPD relationship. I am dealing with the same. I even got anti depressants but decided not to take them. I have panic attacks and have had anxiety for many years and in these kind of situations it´s just something I have to deal with. I accept it and go on.

In my case therapy is better than drugs. But use the forum if you can´t afford professional help. it has helped me a lot. And also read the reading material on this site. It really helps, because talking about these kind of relationships and feelings with friends and family can be difficult because they don´t know BPD.

Keep busy, do something for yourself. I know it´s hard. Accept it´s hard and after your meeting with him try no contact or at least low contact. Don´t engage in fights, debates or so on.

Hang in there... . remember we are all here because we got hurt and deserve something better. It´s a road to recovery. There will be bumps.