Hi Clairedair,
But I am agitated tonight and trying to pinpoint what's going on. I am trying to sit with the feelings and not avoid them. They may have been triggered by a dream last night or by knowing that he was in my home today to see the children (I knew about this and didn't think it would be an issue but came back to find a box of chocolates - for the people giving our children a lift to his wedding... . )
There's anger - in some ways that's an easy one to identify. There's a lot to be angry about (and some of the anger is self-directed in that I am frustrated that I allowed much of what's happened to happen).
Anger can be a useful emotion. For me, I found it necessary to help burn away some of my attachment. Anger can motivate you to do things you've resisted for some time, things that might be good for you. Just make sure your anger doesn't motive you to do unproductive things.
In any case, it's helpful to find safe outlets and vents (perhaps creative outlets) to help you express these necessary emotions as you go through them.
There's sadness that our children don't have two parents in same home (though I recognise that the reality is that their home is more peaceful these days and they are long past hoping for us to be together!).
Different people will go through different processes when they are the children of the disordered. I think it's probably helpful that they will be able to compare and contrast their father's behaviors from yours, now that there is more distance between you two. Some children will immediately discern which is the more reliable, healthy and stable parent. Some children may have more issues to work through, after all, they've had all their lives to emulate their father's behaviors.
There's relief that I no longer have to worry about whether he's about to withdraw affection; about to leave again; about to come back; about to blame me etc.
It is a huge burden to take off of you to no longer be subject to another person's whims and fancies. Now you just need to take care of your whims and fancies, which may actually prove to be a more difficult task if you are anything like me. Still you are worth the effort.
There's a tinge of embarrassment that he's so quickly found someone and is getting married (though this is not surprising and says more about him than me, I do still feel this a little). I feel foolish for having defended all the reconciliations to others, including our children, on the basis that he really did love me but his issues got in the way. Now I feel that I was just a way of dealing with the issues (not for the whole marriage, but definitely more recently).
It's only embarrassing if you care what other people think. And the truth is, other people have no clue unless they've had the pleasure of being coupled with a disordered partner.
No need to feel foolish because you were right, he really did love you but his issues got in the way of his ability to love you. He loved you as much as he was capable. And he will love the next person as much as he is capable also, but it will be different, because she is a different woman. And he will be different. But his disorder will be the same. And unless she is compatibly dysfunctional, it will only be a matter of time. Maybe she'll last 25 years, maybe longer, probably shorter. But not knowing her, it's hard to say. Whatever it is, it's her path to walk on.
I feel 'not good enough' (shame?) - this is the feeling that can really have me on my knees and every time I think I am getting past this, something triggers this and I'm sunk. Why is he so happy with someone else? How was he able to flip feelings and discard me? (I know, logically, that it's not about my value - just recognising that this feeling is around).
This is a tricky feeling to work through. To suggest that you were not good enough would imply that you could have been good enough. Good enough for what? To cure him of his disorder? There's nothing you can do to cure him of his mental disorder. He doesn't even want to accept his mental disorder. How do you help someone who will not help themselves?
Why is he so happy with someone else? Because this new person doesn't trigger his disordered feelings so much right now. What triggers his disordered feelings are feelings of intimacy and family. They probably barely know each other. Relative to 25 years, they are complete strangers. And that's what makes him happy. Because his disorder isn't driving him (as) nuts... . not yet at least.
How was he able to flip feelings and discard you? Because he's disordered. That's what they do.
My understanding of this disorder is that they probably cannot grieve. As I see it, they can't grieve because they've never grieved. The first and foremost loss was the loss of their innocence when they were abandoned/betrayed as a toddler. They never came to terms with that loss. And because they never came to terms with it, in a sense, that loss from their past dominates their present and future. Not coming to terms with how they felt abandoned as a child, causes them to see abandonment with anyone and everyone who threatens to be close like family to them. You don't feel like family with someone you've only known for 6 months. Give it time.
He cannot grieve. So he does not grieve for you. You, however, can grieve. And so you can get past this loss and this loss might not dominate your choices for your future. But first you must grieve.
I'm resentful - not a lot, but it's there. That feeling others here will have at times - why do our exes seem to 'sail off into the sunset' whilst we struggle?
Sure, they sail off into the sunset, but at the end of their journey they end up right where they started. They will find that they haven't travelled any where, they haven't learned anything, and the past that they are trying to run away from has never left them like a persistent dingle-berry.
We struggle because we can learn from our struggles. Our struggles will make us stronger, wiser and happier in the long run. Provided we actually struggle in productive ways. We are just as capable of dysfunctional behaviors as pwBPD. We just have different issues.
Mostly, I think I feel grief. One of the really positive aspects of our rollercoaster years has been learning to express myself in all sorts of ways and when we reconciled, our relationship was better than it had ever been. This was a big part of why I kept going back - I really thought we would reach a point where we could maintain that but every time, the cycle repeated. He would 'panic' and start to withdraw and then I would start to feel afraid/anxious and the intimacy would be lost.
You grew from your experience. I believe he did not.
More than mourning the past and present though, I mourn our future. I mourn the intimate, mature relationship I thought we were going to have. I mourn being able to go to kids' graduation/wedding etc and be together. I mourn creating a home where others are welcome and being able to socialise together with friends we've known for 30 years. I mourn so many things that I feel I got a glimpse of but wasn't allowed to keep.
Yes. These are all things worth mourning. But there will come a time when your grief becomes bearable. And then you will be able to invite new grand experiences into your life without that grief to encumber you and distract you.
It would have been our 25th wedding anniversary in a few weeks and he will be on honeymoon with a new wife.
I think it is reasonable to mark that occasion in a way that is helpful to you personally. Even if it does end up triggering more feelings. It may also be helpful to consider celebrating another day which marks the time when you start stepping out of the F.O.G. and into a life that you can fashion for yourself, without the weight of baring someone else's mental illness.
Best wishes, Schwing
