Man Behind The Curtain

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I think after coming to this web site and arming myself with knowledge... . I feel a lot better about the ending of my relationship of 6 years with my BPDw.  The blessing is there are no children involved.  The first time I found this web site, I tried to read everything at one sitting and had to recover for a few days. I think because the more I read, the farther down my jaw dropped.  It was as if most of this was written about "our" relationship. I can however see some differences in the particulars of this disorder but the core issues are always there.  Since we are separated, she has gotten back into church, the Lord has healed her of her ways... . and she is ready to come back to our relationship... . because if I considered my self a Christian and listened to the Lord, I would know she is cured and take her back.(Say What?) I guess no DBT needed? BUT she also promises to be in therapy for the rest of her life if need be.  It is absolutly dumbfounding to me how manipulative she can be. I know she does it without trying really or having a conscious thought about it.  I suppose it is more of a survival tool.  She has promised to not do all the things she has done to me since we married, and to me the disturbing part is she named a very accurate list of things she has done to me... . I didn't expect that she would have the ability to realize those things and made me wonder if she had the presence of mind to realize those exact issues, did she consciously do it? 

After a complete day of her begging me to just give her... . one more chance, (multiple very long texts and phone calls in a crying, slobbering fit)  I told her I needed to go NC or I was going to lose my mind. I told her the last six years have been all about her and that was her "chance" now, out of self preservation... . .its all about "me".  At this stage, my own sanity is most important to me.  Does anyone think there is a way to end a relationship with a BPDw without being painted black and having anything she can destroy that belongs to me... . beat to pieces?  I really do love her but there comes a time in your situation that self preservation kicks in and you do what you have to do, she is so convincing but coming to this site is like seeing the man behind the curtain. I have seen the interworkings of the machine if you will, and realize that it is way more than I have the desire or capability to deal with for the rest of my life. I suppose in ways, I feel like a fool.  Its not that I do not have compassion or empathy because I do.  I just realize that I am the only one that has my best interest at heart.  Sometimes that "best interest" is just to have the ability to live unmolested by someone else's mental illness.

I pray I can keep strong.

hanginon

[hanginon]

I think after coming to this web site and arming myself with knowledge... . I feel a lot better about the ending of my relationship of 6 years with my BPDw.  The blessing is there are no children involved.  The first time I found this web site, I tried to read everything at one sitting and had to recover for a few days. I think because the more I read, the farther down my jaw dropped.  It was as if most of this was written about "our" relationship. I can however see some differences in the particulars of this disorder but the core issues are always there.  Since we are separated, she has gotten back into church, the Lord has healed her of her ways... . and she is ready to come back to our relationship... . because if I considered my self a Christian and listened to the Lord, I would know she is cured and take her back.(Say What?) I guess no DBT needed? BUT she also promises to be in therapy for the rest of her life if need be.  It is absolutly dumbfounding to me how manipulative she can be. I know she does it without trying really or having a conscious thought about it.  I suppose it is more of a survival tool.  She has promised to not do all the things she has done to me since we married, and to me the disturbing part is she named a very accurate list of things she has done to me... . I didn't expect that she would have the ability to realize those things and made me wonder if she had the presence of mind to realize those exact issues, did she consciously do it? 

After a complete day of her begging me to just give her... . one more chance, (multiple very long texts and phone calls in a crying, slobbering fit)  I told her I needed to go NC or I was going to lose my mind. I told her the last six years have been all about her and that was her "chance" now, out of self preservation... . .its all about "me".  At this stage, my own sanity is most important to me.  Does anyone think there is a way to end a relationship with a BPDw without being painted black and having anything she can destroy that belongs to me... . beat to pieces?  I really do love her but there comes a time in your situation that self preservation kicks in and you do what you have to do, she is so convincing but coming to this site is like seeing the man behind the curtain. I have seen the interworkings of the machine if you will, and realize that it is way more than I have the desire or capability to deal with for the rest of my life. I suppose in ways, I feel like a fool.  Its not that I do not have compassion or empathy because I do.  I just realize that I am the only one that has my best interest at heart.  Sometimes that "best interest" is just to have the ability to live unmolested by someone else's mental illness.

I pray I can keep strong.

hanginon

[Newton]

hanginon... . it sounds like you have been through a process many of us here have been through.  Kudos for you on your decision that enough is enough... .

It's important you focus on the self preservation that has brought you to this place.

We can't really influence how other people will behave and perhaps it will be necessary for her now to start slinging mud... . I'm more interested in her potential to ... . "destroy things that belong to me"... .

What are your fears regarding this?... . do you mean relationships?... . friendships?... . objects?... .

[hanginon]

Newton,

Well... . it has been my experience with her in the past when she cannot get her way... . that frustration is directed somewhere... . Hey, I hope she has found some ability to not be what she has in the past but to answer your question... . .all you mention. Primarily my stuff... . Some of my stuff is still where she is, several states away.

Time will tell.

Hanginon

[bpdspell]

Your desire to detach and remove yourself away from the emotional abuse of her mental illness must be stronger than your fear of what she "might" do.  

Breakups with BPD's usually aren't peaceful nor amicable because the relationships are usually based on power and control... . with them essentially holding the puppet strings. My BPDexbf was a hardcore bully. If we leave them and they don't have a replacement lined up you will experience an "extinction burst" which is essentially means desperate attempts to avoid being abandoned. You'll get lots of empty promises and words but they can never follow through because their mental illness is not a common cold; it's a deeply ingrained part of their CHARACTER.

As for going to church and finding the Lord I say trust your gut on that one. There are plenty of charlatans in church who hide behind religion under the guise of being "good." What your wife has is a mental illness/emotional disorder that would require a desire on her part to acknowledge, accept, seek and commit to therapeutic help. From what you write it doesn't sound like your wife is ready to be accountable for her actions.

Stick to your decision and keep praying. The begging, pleading and crying are last ditch attempts at manipulation so that she isn't alone. We do them no favors by validating their behavior.

[hanginon]

BPDspell,

Thanks for sharing your view of the situation.  I have been fortunate in that she had previously planned on being away for a while for the birth of her grandbaby and now it looks like a close relative is close to death by old age and disease so she has had a lot to occupy her time and attention.  I am not sure if we could have ever gotten to where we are now if those situations had not come about.  She was not happy at all when I told her that I didn't want her to come back.  It took a little time to deprogram and come to grips with my situation.

She keeps asking for one last chance but the more I read, the more I learn and self reflection has made me realize that I have been incredibly vicitimized by this woman.  I think at times I am too much of a nice guy.  After reading some of the articles and reference material on this web site, I really feel like a fool the way I allowed her to manipulate me and choke everything I enjoyed, hobbies, friends, time alone, out... . a little at a time.  She has now come to realize that her world is falling apart because all of those things she has put me though and I just can't get over that when pressed, she came up with a pretty accurate, detailed list of things she knows she did wrong. 

She wants me to just forget about all of it and says it will never happen again. I suppose in her own disturbed mind she may belive it but I know better.  Yes she may be a saint now, but I have seen that "other" person that is in there... . and it ain't pretty.  When we have a conversation about ending our relationship and I speak with her a day or two later, its like we never had the conversation. She is oblivious to it or suppresses it I guess. She is still looking for that "one more chance".  It is so difficult to deal with someone who is begging, pleading, crying... . she will go non stop for at least an hour and I have gotten to the point, I just say... . you are driving me insane and I either hang up if she won't shut up or wind up the conversation and just try to de-stress.  I am not what most anyone would consider a mean person but she has that way of making me feel like I am being mean to her by refusing to agree to any of a list of things she would like me to agree to. 

I read something where BPD's were described as emotional vampires and I think that is an incredibly accurate descriptoin.  They can suck the life right out of you. You end up spent and wasted while they are really never satisfied.

I am doing my best to keep it together and get through it.

Hanginon

[bpdspell]

BPDspell,

Thanks for sharing your view of the situation.  I have been fortunate in that she had previously planned on being away for a while for the birth of her grandbaby and now it looks like a close relative is close to death by old age and disease so she has had a lot to occupy her time and attention.  I am not sure if we could have ever gotten to where we are now if those situations had not come about.  She was not happy at all when I told her that I didn't want her to come back.  It took a little time to deprogram and come to grips with my situation.

She keeps asking for one last chance but the more I read, the more I learn and self reflection has made me realize that I have been incredibly vicitimized by this woman.  I think at times I am too much of a nice guy.  After reading some of the articles and reference material on this web site, I really feel like a fool the way I allowed her to manipulate me and choke everything I enjoyed, hobbies, friends, time alone, out... . a little at a time.  She has now come to realize that her world is falling apart because all of those things she has put me though and I just can't get over that when pressed, she came up with a pretty accurate, detailed list of things she knows she did wrong.  

She wants me to just forget about all of it and says it will never happen again. I suppose in her own disturbed mind she may belive it but I know better.  Yes she may be a saint now, but I have seen that "other" person that is in there... . and it ain't pretty.  When we have a conversation about ending our relationship and I speak with her a day or two later, its like we never had the conversation. She is oblivious to it or suppresses it I guess. She is still looking for that "one more chance".  It is so difficult to deal with someone who is begging, pleading, crying... . she will go non stop for at least an hour and I have gotten to the point, I just say... . you are driving me insane and I either hang up if she won't shut up or wind up the conversation and just try to de-stress.  I am not what most anyone would consider a mean person but she has that way of making me feel like I am being mean to her by refusing to agree to any of a list of things she would like me to agree to.  

I read something where BPD's were described as emotional vampires and I think that is an incredibly accurate descriptoin.  They can suck the life right out of you. You end up spent and wasted while they are really never satisfied.

I am doing my best to keep it together and get through it.

Hanginon

I can feel your guilt but the truth of the matter is that you aren't happy with the marriage or the person you've become in your marriage. No one goes into a marriage believing that they're partner wouldn't want the best for them but your wife is sick. And because of her sickness she cannot see your needs. She can only take, take, control, boss and manipulate because she's perpetually empty.

Most of us on here are guilty of being incredibly week with our boundaries, being people pleasers, approval addicts and some of us on here are fully codependent. You owe it to yourself you repair what's broken inside of you so that you can be a happy man again. And there is something inside of you that is telling you to stop handing over your happiness to your wife! There is something that lives in you that your wife hasn't destroyed. If that isn't God's grace then I don't know what is.

Begging, pleading and crying on her part are not to be confused with accountability; which amounts to zero in her department.  Begging, pleading, crying and being in denial are called tactics, and angles which are proven effective on people with weak boundaries.

Be prayerful. But stand strong in what you deserve: healing.

[hanginon]

BPDspell,

I suppose there is guilt, and recently I suppose I am more or less grieving the loss of a relationship. I am teetering on depression but feel I am ok. She has promised the moon, admitted it all has been her fault, promises to go to therapy for the rest of her life... . etc, etc.  She is a master at manipulation.  She has been dealing with some family issues but surprisingly (not) she has yet to find a therapist. (hasn't had time) She has no job, helps with some family issues that are not incredibly demanding but still hasn't the time.  I work full time and go to school two nights a week and I am in my third week of therapy.  I need it after six years with her.  I am slowly unravelling all those things had almost bound me tight, its a little scary when you see where you started from and where you ended up.

Surprisingly she has been somewhat accountable.  She told her two grown daughters that we were having issues and that the situation was all her fault.  She also is facing an assault charge (on federal property) soon for the last incident with me, so... . she is being held accountable whether she wants it or not.

Hanginon