Reflection

[Murbay]

One way I try and deal with the pain most days is to write. Write about my own feelings and why I feel the way I do and some nights I write a letter to my exBPDw and allow all of those feelings to come out. Not that I ever send her the letters, though at the end of our relationship, she picked up on my writing and wanted to see the things I had written. For obvious reasons, I didn't divulge or share with her certain elements which started her suspicions that it was "obviously" meant for someone else.

Recently, I have gone back to writing poetry as a way of expressing those feelings, which then got me thinking.

My exBPDw is in complete denial stage and T says he doesn't ever think she will break through that. So I have decided to write a book of poetry, not specifically for her but for others with BPD and those who love and have loved them. Sort of journalising the relationship from beginning to end and highlighting the good aspects but also the emotions that we as nons have to face during these relationships.

I don't know what I want to achieve out of this in terms of opening eyes. But as so many people on these boards have said, if only we could write a letter to tell them how we feel and tell them we know. It's hard to write that letter without coming across as passing the blame or asking someone to take responsibility. So I figured a book of poems about all the different emotions, the struggles and the torture we have to go through, from being idealized, to being devalued, to being cast out and replaced.

I want to highlight the good aspects, the not so good aspects and the frustrating aspects but done in such a way that it isn't pointing the blame and maybe if it helps a few people to reflect or associate then it is a step in the right direction.

I produced a movie last year that highlighted PPD (post-natal depression to the English out there) from a time before people were aware it was a serious condition. This year it is starting to be shown at film festivals around the world to highlight the effects. I guess the book I want to put together is to follow a similar standard, raise awareness and help more people understand.

Any thoughts on the idea?

[connect]

great idea! are you accepting contributions?

[Octoberfest]

One way I try and deal with the pain most days is to write. Write about my own feelings and why I feel the way I do and some nights I write a letter to my exBPDw and allow all of those feelings to come out. Not that I ever send her the letters, though at the end of our relationship, she picked up on my writing and wanted to see the things I had written. For obvious reasons, I didn't divulge or share with her certain elements which started her suspicions that it was "obviously" meant for someone else.

Recently, I have gone back to writing poetry as a way of expressing those feelings, which then got me thinking.

My exBPDw is in complete denial stage and T says he doesn't ever think she will break through that. So I have decided to write a book of poetry, not specifically for her but for others with BPD and those who love and have loved them. Sort of journalising the relationship from beginning to end and highlighting the good aspects but also the emotions that we as nons have to face during these relationships.

I don't know what I want to achieve out of this in terms of opening eyes. But as so many people on these boards have said, if only we could write a letter to tell them how we feel and tell them we know. It's hard to write that letter without coming across as passing the blame or asking someone to take responsibility. So I figured a book of poems about all the different emotions, the struggles and the torture we have to go through, from being idealized, to being devalued, to being cast out and replaced.

I want to highlight the good aspects, the not so good aspects and the frustrating aspects but done in such a way that it isn't pointing the blame and maybe if it helps a few people to reflect or associate then it is a step in the right direction.

I produced a movie last year that highlighted PPD (post-natal depression to the English out there) from a time before people were aware it was a serious condition. This year it is starting to be shown at film festivals around the world to highlight the effects. I guess the book I want to put together is to follow a similar standard, raise awareness and help more people understand.

Any thoughts on the idea?

I think you may face a few hurdles on this part.

First, BPD is a... . elusive disorder.  You have heard of (and maybe experienced) all of the instances of, having gone to friends or mutual acquaintances, being met with disbelief and doubt when the behavior and "true side" of pwBPD are discussed.  I don't know that BPD is an illness that has the interest of the public eye because it is so very hard to pin down and truly see the effects of it.

Secondly, and I could be wrong, but it seems to me you are making a decision to get as involved in a project like this as you say.  I don't speak for everyone here, but I do not want to dwell on my BPD relationship for the rest of my life, or even for the forseeable future.  I do not want it to define me.  I wonder if by putting all of this time and effort into a project like this, you will be prolonging your own misery.  It is very hard(for me anyways) to get involved with something and separate it from personal experiences I have had concerning the subject.  Possible, yes, but a fine line to walk, I think.

Just food for thought.

[Murbay]

Still very much in planning and ideas stage right now connect but definitely, the more people on board the better.

I have never written a book so it will be a new experience and I have also been looking at mental health charities because if it can sell well enough, some of the money could be donated to this site and some to charities in promoting awareness and improving lives of pwBPD.

Again, it's just at planning and ideas but something I thought might be worthwhile.

[Murbay]

Octoberfest, thank you for your opinions and you make some very valid points and they are much appreciated.

As far as it being an illness in the public eye, I would have to agree that it probably isn't and there are many people out there who are unaware unless they have been directly involved themselves. I know many people on this site came looking for answers because they didn't know either. Although I have worked in the mental health field, my experience with it only came with my ex so I was also one of those unaware people out there.

Just as there are many people in denial, there are also many others who have actively sought treatment and are aware of their condition. Something like this would also reach out to those people and possibly show them that people do understand their difficulties and that it isn't something to be ashamed of or hide away from.

As for your second point, everybody is at different stages and you are quite correct in saying that it may prolong the misery. As for myself though it is more about giving back to this community than it is about my own experience. I'm extremely thankful and grateful to my ex and to BPD for helping me to take my own journey and address issues I wasn't even aware of but it doesn't detract from the fact that it was also one of the worst and most painful experiences of my life too.

The other reason for this idea, although quite different. At the age of 7 I was labelled with Aspergers and highly gifted, though not officially diagnosed. It is a label that I have ignored my entire life and accomplished things because of who I am, not what I am. I allowed my ex to use that label against me so many times to the point my strengths became my weaknesses, and everything was used against me. She would show me articles about what it meant being married to someone with Aspergers and how in the end she would be left to feel alone, though I'm completely aware of my limits. Last year I was diagnosed with Aspergers but not as severe as some in the sense I have full control of my emotions but do struggle at times to understand others.

Just as I started to feel down about myself over this, I found books that highlighted the positive aspects and stories of people through history that have made major contributions to the world we know. It allowed me to explore who I was without hiding anymore and I'm grateful for those people out there who took the time to do that.

Finally, there is a selfish side of me too. I can't let go and detach completely because I have a daughter and step-daughter who have been cut out of my life literally overnight with the only answers coming from my exBPDw. When/if they come looking at some point in the future, I need to know what to tell them because after looking at the damage that was already done to my step-daughter, they will have their own struggles in years to come. It is also something to give to them, to let them know that they are also understood and maybe help provide a light for their own path to find answers to the difficult questions.

I hope that gives a little more insight and once again, thank you very much for providing an alternative view octoberfest, it is greatly appreciated and raises a little more awareness to some of the hurdles a project like this could face