Sick to the stomach after seeing "them".

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So to recap - 2.5years on & off with uBPDexbf and then we had another pretty bad bust up in March. Then the next day he "ran into me" and approached saying "sorry, blah, blah, blah" and I didn't even look at him - I pretended he wasn't there and kept walking. Then twice I saw him when I was on outings and disappeared before he could see me, I changed my routine and went into hiding. NC 'in person' went for 6.5 weeks but he started texting after about 2 weeks, I started texting back when I was at a particularly low point in my life at about 3.5 weeks and then he constantly "worked on me" until I let him back in the door for a night (& he said there was no one else, he had no intention of even seeing anyone else etc) and then I let him destroy me 48hrs later when he suddenly started ignoring my texts although we were to spend time together and I went to his place and found another woman and he told me to leave and that he was calling the police.

Then he goes back to texting me every few days, but now its like: "How are you?" xo x 10000" etc. I didn't respond until I “lost it” last monday and copy pasted a lot from his last month's “loving and supportive, trying to get his foot back in the door” texts and sent it back to him. A day and a half later I got: "Be your confident self ... . (my name) and thrive your way through this next phase upon you :-) xo x 100000." I did not respond. Thursday I got: “Remain strong! You are worth it. Xo x 100000” I did not respond.

Then today I drove past his daughters place and here he and the woman are (obviously some family do going on – lots of cars). I was again sick to the stomach – felt like I was punched. It confirmed by thoughts that she was his new woman and not some “random” because he takes a while (at least a month and a half or more) before he introduces a new gf to the family. He did not let me go to his place for a month when we first dated so I suspect that when I found them just over 3 weeks ago, he had already been dating her a month, and that would “fit” her now being assimilated into family events.

For me it has re-opened the trauma and brought up a lot more questions.

Why did he work on me to get back in if he was moving on in another serious relationship? Why didn't he admit he was seeing someone else?

Why does he keep texting if he is in another relationship?

I note that the content of his texts have changed - more supportive words and he has not texted he loves or misses me etc which was constant before, why? Has he moved on in that area suddenly?

I am just so sick to the stomach. From seeing her integration into the family that he integrated me into. I lost my family and he came along when I was vulnerable and alone with a replacement family. I cannot think or function again.  :'( :'( It has thrown me for a "six". Any thoughts welcomed. In desperate need.

[learningtowalkagain1]

So to recap - 2.5years on & off with uBPDexbf and then we had another pretty bad bust up in March. Then the next day he "ran into me" and approached saying "sorry, blah, blah, blah" and I didn't even look at him - I pretended he wasn't there and kept walking. Then twice I saw him when I was on outings and disappeared before he could see me, I changed my routine and went into hiding. NC 'in person' went for 6.5 weeks but he started texting after about 2 weeks, I started texting back when I was at a particularly low point in my life at about 3.5 weeks and then he constantly "worked on me" until I let him back in the door for a night (& he said there was no one else, he had no intention of even seeing anyone else etc) and then I let him destroy me 48hrs later when he suddenly started ignoring my texts although we were to spend time together and I went to his place and found another woman and he told me to leave and that he was calling the police.

Then he goes back to texting me every few days, but now its like: "How are you?" xo x 10000" etc. I didn't respond until I “lost it” last monday and copy pasted a lot from his last month's “loving and supportive, trying to get his foot back in the door” texts and sent it back to him. A day and a half later I got: "Be your confident self ... . (my name) and thrive your way through this next phase upon you :-) xo x 100000." I did not respond. Thursday I got: “Remain strong! You are worth it. Xo x 100000” I did not respond.

Then today I drove past his daughters place and here he and the woman are (obviously some family do going on – lots of cars). I was again sick to the stomach – felt like I was punched. It confirmed by thoughts that she was his new woman and not some “random” because he takes a while (at least a month and a half or more) before he introduces a new gf to the family. He did not let me go to his place for a month when we first dated so I suspect that when I found them just over 3 weeks ago, he had already been dating her a month, and that would “fit” her now being assimilated into family events.

For me it has re-opened the trauma and brought up a lot more questions.

Why did he work on me to get back in if he was moving on in another serious relationship? Why didn't he admit he was seeing someone else?

Why does he keep texting if he is in another relationship?

I note that the content of his texts have changed - more supportive words and he has not texted he loves or misses me etc which was constant before, why? Has he moved on in that area suddenly?

I am just so sick to the stomach. From seeing her integration into the family that he integrated me into. I lost my family and he came along when I was vulnerable and alone with a replacement family. I cannot think or function again.  :'( :'( It has thrown me for a "six". Any thoughts welcomed. In desperate need.

[stop2think]

  L2WA,

So sorry to hear you are through pain.

I understand how and what you are feeling at the moment, we need to be strong.

I think you know the answer to your q's - he was playing the push/pull until he was sure this new woman is his next deal. The day he saw he had another person to move onto he hopped.

We were their plan B. Its easy to say things like forget him, he dint deserve you, move on... . but its hard as h€ll to practice that. We need to be strong, we will get through this.

We all are on the parallel roads, and here for you. 

If you need to talk, shout out - I'm with you.

[patientandclear]

LTWA ... . oh,  .  Yuck.   This is just a solidarity post, as I don't have an instant cure for the bad feelings, only to absorb that yes, he really is doing this, it is really that bad, and this is who he is, and to treat it as a trauma (as you recognize in your post) & ask for professional help from someone who will also treat it as a trauma, not just a bad breakup.

This is a profound betrayal.  Someone who didn't have to reassure you and comfort you, did so, lured you in, accessed your most intimate places physically and emotionally, and then utterly attacked you and betrayed you.  It truly can be understood as an emotional rape, with physical aspects since he gained access to you physically using deception.

In my case, I remember the day I saw my ex with his new woman (who actually was also the former gf he'd denied he had anything going on with in the past ... . later I learned he'd professed love to her, talked marriage and children) at a festival that we'd attended the year before.  The year before, it was the first night I ever spent with him.  I was so incredibly happy.  He carried me across the threshold like we were married.  He did things with me he said he had saved to do with the woman he would marry.  The next year ... . there he was, napping on the grass next to this other woman, with whom he moved on days after telling me he wanted to fix things with me and "go through time with you."

It just makes everything feel so empty and cheap and insubstantial.  How could you ever trust again?  Etc.  :)efinitely a trauma.

As to what your guy is doing now ... . I find his "chin up!" texts so galling, even more so than many recycling hooks we read about here.  I believe he is soothing his own guilt.  He "cares."  He hasn't completely lost you if you will accept his  "help."  He is just basically making himself feel better in a number of ways if you don't completely ice him out and you forgive him.  Plus, eventually, sure, it might be nice for him if you'd be available to step in as the #1 woman if something fails with the new woman.

  His behavior is awful.  It's also just formulaic BPD, not personal to you (or her). He will fail and betray her in some spectacular fashion.  My ex made all manner of pledges to the woman who came after me, who was leery of reengaging him because he'd screwed her over in the past.  He was going to have kids with her, accept her faith, marry her.  When he finally persuaded her he would do all these things and she agreed to date him seriously, he was gone in under two months.  He's dangerous, and so is your guy.

[Validation78]

Hey LTWA!

I can only imagine how this must all feel to you and awful barely covers it. Anyone would feel the same way. I too lost a large family, whom I loved, including my stepchildren.  Now all you have to do is decide how you are going to deal with the feelings!

I have not witnessed the things you have  myself, however, anticipation of feeling as you do has led me to my methodology to avoid such a thing. In a nutshell, NC means every kind of contact between us has had to cease.

No calls

No texts

No email

No drive bys

No Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, etc. stalking

This has been the only measure of protection of my feelings and emotions I can think to employ. It's not to punish him, it's to regain my strength, my healing, my self esteem. Do I want to know what he is doing? Yep, during some weak moments, I do, and I have done a bit of internet stalking. When I acknowledge how finding out what he is up to makes me feel, I know, I have to be more disciplined. I have to control myself and behaviors. I am rewarded when I fight the urges to know things that will lead to nothing good for me, because I know that I am winning in the battle of will with myself.

It's hard, I understand. However, if you are to truly heal and move on, you must find a way, to keep yourself from setting yourself up to be hurt. You have all the power! In the meantime, allow yourself to grieve, to be angry, and to know that these feelings are alright. Forgive yourself, and take care of yourself!

Best Wishes,

Val78   

[Billa]

In my case, I remember the day I saw my ex with his new woman (who actually was also the former gf he'd denied he had anything going on with in the past ... . later I learned he'd professed love to her, talked marriage and children) at a festival that we'd attended the year before.  

  His behavior is awful.  It's also just formulaic BPD, not personal to you (or her).

why are all they doing this? whay are they always going back to their exes, claiming they're just friend, while the're cheating on you? Gee, it's so painful! And what is stunning is that I'd never believed it, I was convinced that for a person like him past was past and that he'd never recycled and ex... .

[Whichwayisup]

whay are they always going back to their exes

Just made me realise a simple thought - that we now become their exes... . shall we stop the cycle for our own sake?

Whichwayisup

[learningtowalkagain1]

Thank you so much for your support. I have no idea how I would be coping without this board. Yet again patientandclear your words hit so home - its almost like you know him and have walked my path. And the rest of your comments are so valuable to me, and give me food for thought and steps to freedom. Also Val78

however, anticipation of feeling as you do has led me to my methodology to avoid such a thing. In a nutshell, NC means every kind of contact between us has had to cease.

No calls

No texts

No email

No drive bys

No Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, etc. stalking

This has been the only measure of protection of my feelings and emotions I can think to employ. It's not to punish him, it's to regain my strength, my healing, my self esteem.   

I am crumbling inside today, I saw them again. I have not been able to concentrate on any work. They pulled up at the shops a couple of cars infront of me and he jumped out to get the paper while she sat in the passenger seat and the dog was in the back. This was a normal morning routine for us and showed me she must be fully integrated and available to him.  Then tonight I got a text which sounds very final: "Thankyou so much for everything you & (my daughter) have done in a heartfelt way! (The dog) and I are grateful for the love & consideration you both have extended to us. Following (the dog's) car hits your love and care will "never" be forgotten amongst many other delightful memories shares. Love ... . and (the dog) xo x 100000 ps. Hope you are both well and happy" 

I hope I am not boring you but please shed some more light and insight for me. I am still sick to the stomach. And I want to respond. But I wont and have posted here instead.

[slimmiller]

So sorry to hear about your pain ! Its so unfair and cruel.

Just remember what he took from you and is now giving to her is FAKE. Its not real and he just changed the name and the face. Its a matter of time when she will be wearing the same shoes you are.

I think its important to at a time like this to reflect the fact that 'they' in all likelyhood, are not capable of the depth of feeling that we are. That in and of itself is sad but its their loss, not ours.

Posting here instead of responding was very wise. Why do I say that? You are looking after 'you'  Plus any response from you to him in a way is a validating thing to him and NC, complete silence will sent a much more clear message then ANY message you could sent him. If you sent him any response, his 'filter' will take it and twist it to what ever he needs to read to edify and justify his actions, no matter what you say

[bpdspell]

I feel for you.

You feel rejected and abandoned and it hurts.

But try your best to be reflective about ALL of the pain this man has caused you since you've been together. You have been idealized, devalued and now discarded.  In the midst of these stages the mask dropped and his true character revealed itself. If you think really hard you'll start to see that his behavior and treatment of you is not because you weren't the perfect girlfriend. It's because he's mentally ill, unstable and a danger to others and himself. The women in his life before you received the same ___ treatment. It isn't personal.

The recycling attempts happen because they can no longer hide their toxic character and emotional sickness. There were always red flags but we didn't understand BPD and narcissism. We thought that we could fix the arguments with love and compassion.

Our minds naturally tend to create fantasies of bliss and happiness when they're with the new prisoner victim but the cycle will repeat and there is no happily ever after for them. There's no perfect partner. No perfect parent substitute or stand in. Just them and they're disorder.

My ex already had his ex and other new conquests lined up as our relationship combusted. I live near my ex and had to see him almost daily as he dangled new women in my face like a garden fresh carrot. I was heartbroken and mortified at the callousness. But when I look back at the entire relationship he never truly displayed empathy or sincere consideration for my feelings. He was very passive aggressive, petty, jealous, controlling, manipulative, and a real drag to be around because of the neediness.  

The new woman will find that out soon enough because he is now her problem; not her knight in shining armor... . but more like an unasked for disaster.

Why did he work on me to get back in if he was moving on in another serious relationship? Why didn't he admit he was seeing someone else?

Why does he keep texting if he is in another relationship?

I note that the content of his texts have changed - more supportive words and he has not texted he loves or misses me etc which was constant before, why? Has he moved on in that area suddenly?

Learn all you can about BPD. More than likely your ex wants to keep the door open to your relationship as he test drives the new one. They can only "get back" with us if we allow it.

He didn't admit that he was seeing someone else because he will never truly shut the door of your relationship for good. That job is up to you.

He keeps texting you because he wants to leave the door open just in case of a rainy day. Again it's up to you to close that door for good.

The nature of his texts have changed because he's painted you black and his new object is glowingly white.

BPD's don't move on. They repress their shame, abandonment pain and live in a fantasy bubble of delusion and denial hoping that they'll meet someone who caters to their every whim and doesn't have feelings or needs of their own... . which never happens.

[goldylamont]

i may be the only one that feels this way, but one thing i had to learn was to stop trying to figure out what my ex was thinking and just see what she was doing and how it made me feel. doing this reveals some very sinister and vindictive behaviour. what i mean is that, i dunno i think perhaps others could be right that he's sending you nice texts to string you along to keep you around as 2nd string. but, i'm not so sure. i know for sure my ex drew great pleasure from destroying my happiness. yes there are times when she may have wanted a recycle, but personally i think a lot of times she would consciously do and say things with the sweetest smile but really mean "i f*kn hate you i want to kill your soul. look at me now with this other man you are nothing". but the words would be "it feels weird to explore another person's body after being with you for so long (smile, smile), how was your day?" but really all her hate is self directed. i feel lucky that much of these assaults i don't feel so much killed my self esteem, i knew it was all a fraud, but it just hurt so much to know that she could purposefully *want* to be so malicious. is it possible that he's being so nice now, not to actually pull you closer, but to be sadistic b/c he knows you see him "fake happy" with a new woman? and do you feel like it makes him happier to go to all those places with her, not just b/c he's with her, but b/c you're there to see it and then he can dump more of his poison into you?

i apologize for going to this dark place, but often times i feel like the next r/s after the ex r/s for the BPD often times seems more to be about hurting the ex (who they can project their vitriolic self hate onto) more than being happy with the next. my ex denies this wholly but b/c she wouldn't even admit a little bit of it i know she's full of isht. she enjoyed torturing me. part of her happiness was tied to it. once i was really out of the picture she dropped the guy like a hot rock. i know it wasn't all about me, or that maybe my part in it was insignificant to her? but i also know that my gut was telling me this person was being cruel while parading like they were friendly, and i know i was right--i have specific reasons why i know now but don't want to type too much.

good grief, i guess what i'm saying is, forget the words he's saying or the way he's saying them. sometimes you can just judge their intentions by how it makes you feel--do you feel beat up and scrambled like eggs? sure that's not exactly what he wants?

BPD's don't move on. They repress their shame, abandonment pain and live in a fantasy bubble of delusion and denial hoping that they'll meet someone who caters to their every whim and doesn't have feelings or needs of their own... . which never happens.

omg BPDspell that is such a great quote. thank you for that!

p.s. to all--sorry if much of the above sounded assuming; i'm just kind of flowing right now... . these are my thoughts but perhaps not the same for everyone. but would love to know what you think... .

[learningtowalkagain1]

Thank you once again for your wonderful support as I negotiate the mine field of healing and moving on from this toxic relationship. I could never have understood the pain that I am experiencing. I have broken up with people before and it never is great when they find someone else, but the pain with this one is excruiating and unexplainable. Like I have said - I do not even want to be with him. But the fast way he has dropped me and moved on combined with discovering just how insidious his lies really were, has obviously added to my grief.

patientandclear - "emotional rape" - this is exactly what he has done with me now and time and time again before this - yes! Spot on.

slimmiller - unfortunately I responded. I will add details under my "losing my grip" post. Should have read your post before I responsed.

The recycling attempts happen because they can no longer hide their toxic character and emotional sickness. There were always red flags but we didn't understand BPD and narcissism. We thought that we could fix the arguments with love and compassion.

Our minds naturally tend to create fantasies of bliss and happiness when they're with the new prisoner victim but the cycle will repeat and there is no happily ever after for them. There's no perfect partner. No perfect parent substitute or stand in. Just them and they're disorder.

The nature of his texts have changed because he's painted you black and his new object is glowingly white.

BPD's don't move on. They repress their shame, abandonment pain and live in a fantasy bubble of delusion and denial hoping that they'll meet someone who caters to their every whim and doesn't have feelings or needs of their own... . which never happens.

This quote untwined some of my confusion. I am still learning so much about how BPD really works (with the help of the people on this board plus my own research) and the more I learn, the more I see how I have been deceived for 2.5 years. No more! I wish I had found this board sooner.

And goldylamont: Your thoughts were so valuable too. I think you may have something there. I am starting to think his texts are a mixture of stringing me along plus trying to destroy my chance of happiness and healing by trying to keep me in trauma. I know he enjoyed torturing me at times - he did it enough while I was with him, sometimes till I cried in pain and crumbled helpless on the floor infront of him.  Nice, hey?

[goldylamont]

i think a bit of sadism may be a common thread amongst a pwBPD. learningtowalkagain1 it is heartbreaking to hear your quote:

"sometimes till I cried in pain and crumbled helpless on the floor infront of him"

i remember maybe a month ago another woman posting that her exBPDbf would rage at her until she, in the same way was completely broken. i believe she said she had asthma, and that sometimes he would rage until she was coughing out of breath on the floor from crying so hard. my belief is that they are projecting onto us the trauma that they experienced (and still do) from a long time before.

i remember my ex, perhaps a year and a half into our r/s broke me down. i am a musician, playing mostly local shows, some minor touring. my bandmate got us this ginormous gig one time though, it was really big for us and a special time for all. and supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. thousands of people there and for me it was non-stop action from setting up our booth, performing, selling stuff, making contacts, etc. in short, and in hindsite, it was hell for a pwBPD. my gf accused me of not paying enough attention to her, starting off by giving me the evil eye, which by the end of the night ended up in her avoiding and abandoning me... . i call her sick and worried for her, she picks up the phone. i ask where she is b/c i've been looking for her and i was worried sick and she replies "i'm on the corner of F**K YOU Street and F**k YOU Avenue you ****!" LOL. please laugh at this, ok? this incident doesn't hurt any more.  and i gotta give her one on comedic sarcasm there. but yeah, she completely trashed the whole evening for me b/c she could only think about herself and felt abandoned even though there were plenty of friends there for her to hang out with and even though whenever i did have a moment i was *always* trying to find her... . i truly was smitten. afterwards it hurt me so much that she unapologetically made me feel so horrible on what was supposed to be one of my best days ever (it still was an amazing day though!)   all of my friends and family were there and either she was nowhere to be found or acting passive aggressive. and i couldn't stop thinking about how my bandmate's wives/gfs were so supportive of them, helping us set up the merch table, meeting people, etc. while she trotted around cursing my existence... . a few days later she's piling it on even more about how horrible a person i was and at some point i just couldn't argue any more. i just started crying (and i don't cry, i'm not one of those guys that holds in emotions either but i just don't cry much). as soon as i started crying she went from vengeful/hateful to being the most loving person ever. hugging me, kissing my tears away. i distinctly felt that this was a rare moment where she got to actually see and feel me lose control, and she *loved* it. i know that it's attractive for a woman to see a man show real emotion, so from a different lens this could look like a caring gf comforting the person she loved? but, while this was perhaps true on some level, i always felt that in a way, she felt comforted and at ease by seeing me broken down, because this was how she felt most of the time.

this isn't the worst of the stories, just something that came to mind. and actually prolly isn't the best case for sadism (but i have other little gems to share that are!  but all of this is to say that i do feel that pwBPD can gain some type of comfort by breaking you down to be as sick as them

like i mentioned before, once i started trusting my own feelings about her actions and how they made me feel (enraged/sick/confused), and then stopped trying to understand her intentions, but assumed that if i felt a certain way, then i was *meant* to feel that way, consciously by her, i feel i gained another level of awareness

learningtowalkagain1 you are a glorious manifestation of life, always remember this

[learningtowalkagain1]

Particularly low tonight so thank you for reminding me: 

learningtowalkagain1 you are a glorious manifestation of life, always remember this

I feel like a train that has come off its track.

I have broken up with this guy through the 2.5 years soo many times and always he would pursue me. I never thought for a moment that, when I saw the evidence of him cheating on me and securing a new relationship and not pursuing me anymore, I would crumble like this. I just don't understand it.

[goldylamont]

I have broken up with this guy through the 2.5 years soo many times and always he would pursue me. I never thought for a moment that, when I saw the evidence of him cheating on me and securing a new relationship and not pursuing me anymore, I would crumble like this. I just don't understand it.

he was attracted to your inner strength and beauty. and like a vampire fed off of it to fill the void within himself. once he drew enough of your strength out of you, what he once admired turned into what he despised, so he set out to break you. i got broken too. they don't play fair. they have no inner strength so they use sex as a weapon. i have a whole other posting somewhere about hissexisaweapon/hersexisaweapon. my theory being that sex was used as a weapon against them at far too young an age and this broke them. and now they repeat the cycle by using theirsexasaweapon to break others.

your breaking up with him was your reaction to try and preserve yourself. you could have just cheated and try to destroy his strength too. you had this choice but probably never even considered it, even though it sounds like for much of the r/s you actually had the upper "hand". weak boy. weak sauce. as soon as he gained enough strength sapping off of you he didn't do things with integrity, he used hissexisaweapon because really he has nothing else to give. you are stronger and have more integrity and the fact that you are hurting now speaks of your humanity and compassion. the power struggle is still one of the hardest things for me to forgive, because they don't play fair. be proud of the fact that you aren't hiding the same monsters from the world and don't have to live a projected lie to cover your own unhappiness. sad as it is, at least you have the strength to say that you are sad. and this strength will heal you :-)

you had "the hand" learningtowalkagain1 ! 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=8g3tQaqizh0

[learningtowalkagain1]

Thank you goldylamont, your post got me through the day yesterday.

I want to find your other post about hissexisaweapon/hersexisaweapon. I have search and found the comment within other posts but not as a new thread. Can you help please?

The 'sex thing' has got me thinking. My BPDxbf had an extremely high libido. Before me he had been sleeping with women/girls since he was very young and sometimes more than one in one night, or found groups of women that wanted to use him sexually or he went to swingers parties. He tried very hard to get me to incorporate other people in our sexual relationship.  He even called himself a "slut" however maintained that when in love with someone, he never cheated because it was against his heart to do so (& I believed him! Naive!)

But besides this, I too have a high libido so that when we were together, we would have sex at least once per day if not more. There were times when I didn't want it (especially if I was supposed to be somewhere else for an appointment etc or we had been apart due to relationship breakdown and were reconnecting and I wanted to hold hands and talk - not just get back to the sex) and he would patiently keep kissing me or touching me in a way he knew would excite me until we were in the throws of sex again.  The attraction between us was/is undeniable. I am sure he was using this as a manipulation tool now. Especially since your comment. And I would like to learn more about this!

[goldylamont]

hi there, i was gone for a couple of days learningtowalkagain1, how are things? so, i've searched through my posts and realize that i never actually started a new thread for "hersexisaweapon" but here is the first time i mentioned it (if you haven't read it already):

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=199490.msg12243336#msg12243336

perhaps cool to read this posting and some of the responses from others. i've just re-read this and still kind of surprises me (as it did then) that i feel my ex uses sex as a weapon not just against men in her r/s but also against women friends. i would love to know your thoughts on this also.

regarding libido--i totally understand!  i also have a high libido, however i don't feel it's 'extreme'? but i'm thinking libido level may not be so important as sex could be used as a weapon on both a square-bear and freaky-freddie alike :-)

regarding the manipulation--it's really common for people to see the act of sex used as manipulation. if we think about it this is common even in somewhat normal/healthy relationships, no? with a pwBPD i feel it's the degree to which they would take this manipulation which is abnormal. i don't necessarily feel that heightened libido means that a person has less integrity though... .

regarding hissexasaweapon, i'm referring to the twisted way that many pwBPD seem to forcefully make others aware of how "happy" they are sexually, especially when they know this would hurt you deeply. it's common for people to want to project a strong self image after a breakup, but for a pwBPD this seems to be *extremely* important. and it seems common for them to not only jump into another r/s after a breakup, but to openly and publicly put on a show about how great things are. while portraying an image of them seeking contentment and happiness, it's obvious to us that their "happiness" is also linked to a twisted need for them to punish us for some undeserved way we made them feel. they abuse us with all their might because somehow they perceive us as having abused them--now how crazy is that?

they say it's more dangerous to be bitten by a young, immature rattlesnake rather than a full grown rattlesnake. why? because the immature rattlesnake will pump every ounce of poison into you when he bites--it isn't experienced enough to know you only need a little venom to work, they just pump and pump and pump all the venom they can muster... .