Struggling my own identity now.

[JackedUP]

On & off here a couple yrs. 

I have been hundreds of miles away from BPDexgf now over 2yrs. Have not heard her voice in a yr & a half.  Dont have her phone # only email.  Many months I desperately tried to get her back after a sudden 180.  No closure, explanation, answers.  Typical, just hate, smear campaigns.  She didn't just want me gone to hate, but I think my mere existence irked her. 

I made mistakes, accepted guilt that wasn't mine, apologized profusely, played mind reader, waiting games.  Always ready to catch that morsel of hope she threw occasionally.  It confused me more, her seeming to hold on just to keep shaking me, passing me off, humiliating me socially & on personal levels I never dreamed any person would go.  She defiantly did.

I endured, learned patience, found myself facing a nightmare of issues I long since buried from my past.  Somewhere in here, I still expected to find glory, credit from her.  Always hear of the hardest things to do usually payoff the greatest way.  Not the case.  My continued "presence" in email alone kept the door open to an endless barrage of rejection. 

In my pursuit of answers I deigned myself to deserve, I spent way too long detaching.  Let alone with any dignity.  I let another person strip my bones clean of any esteem I should have kept. 

Hindsight is 20/20 but "love" from one side does not prevail. Ever.  I don't know if I was searching for the day I just "couldn't feel" her anymore & could walk away or just let her abuse me.  Especially verbally via torturous STs then nonchalance. 

I think I finally just gave out.  Hard applying what I'd learned to someone I thought at one time had stirred my deepest soul.  I wanted something to believe in.  The mirage was hidden in mirroring I got back.  Yeah, mirror works two ways.  This was our common denominator. Both jackedUp hence my name. 

Feel like I've been on a long vacation, don't really know myself anymore.  The old me evaporated slowly as I fed it to her.  But I'm still here, like a blank slate, woken from a BPD induced coma.  I know psychology of "new starts", closing chapters, but where do I begin?  Honestly.  All I know is I'm alive but I don't feel many emotions anymore.  Talk about the FOG. 

Ok hit me with something you can relate to and say how you sctually got through these steps.  Reason I'm writing now is because I allowed her to lie to me again.  I have trouble not trusting people no matter the track record.  Make sense? 

[ComoLu]

It makes sense to me.  I trust first unless I have reason not to.  I do try to be cautious, but then I realize I did it again.  It may be part of why we wind up in relationships with pwBPD.  We trust and get dragged in before we realize that we should have been suspicious.  I like to think it makes me a good person.  I try to see the good in others too.

No one can tell you what you need to do to heal.  It is a different path for all of us, but follow your heart and rely on people who truly love you for guidance and understanding.  I still have a long way to go, but I have made peace with so much.

[seeking balance]

 

Being lost and confused is par for the course... . I imagine you know this since you posted about the FOG.

Begin where you are... . sounds silly, but it is the truth.  Start with making a list of things you like, don't like, your values, goals - etc.  Write it down, so you can see it - that would be my suggestion for the first step.

Also, do you have a T?  If not, that would be helpful.  If you do, I suggest you discuss this part next session.

I have trouble not trusting people no matter the track record.  Make sense? 

Peace,

SB

[Octoberfest]

Look man- it doesn't sound like you are ready to move on with your life.  Not to rip on you, I was certainly there and most all people here have been.

How do you get through it?  You decide you want more.  

Listen, I sympathize with you; it seems unfathomable that there could be life without our BPDSO's.

But I will tell you what; EVERY DAY it gets easier, once you commit to it.

You just gotta do it.

[JackedUP]

Seeking balance, no I don't have a T.  Can't afford one & cheap or payscale ones have no idea what I'm talking about.  Just been on my own reading (alot). 

October, I feel slow all these people here are way beyond where I am.  I've followed some and have been stuck 2 years now.  I don't like my alternatives of giving up either.  Just like same feeling if somebody dies but you still get hung on wishing they'd return. That is universal though.  Most people have a belief system that reassures them of eventual peace someday.  I try relating to the grief stages but can't grasp the letting go without feeling like a failure or no guilt. 

To admit I'm as powerless as a widower sitting on a headstone feels strange when she's still technically alive.  Somewhere. But thanks it helps knowing you guys have been there and get it. 

ComoLu, I agree.  I think I project my own expectations of trust & forgiveness on others too.  Hard realizing not everybodys the same.  Some won't feel bad at all no matter what.  Hard concept & hard road.  The BPD zero accountability messes with me.  I'm not like that. 

All you, thanks. 

[Murbay]

Hi JackedUP, you are not alone with your thinking. As most people discover coming on these boards, the reason a lot of us still have the feelings we do or stayed in a toxic relationship as long as we did is because of our own issues. If many of us were healthy, we wouldn't have been as caught up in the relationship like we were.

The feelings you describe are nothing new and a lot of us have been through those same emotions and feelings too. ComoLU has a very valid point and something I can relate to, I tend to trust people and see the good in people even when others around me know it's not healthy. That's our rescuer side, we see the vulnerable person behind the masks and all we want to do is reach out and help them. That is a red flag on our behalf because we allow our boundaries to drop and don't see that the vulnerable and loving person in front of us is actually grandma dressed up as the wolf.

In the case of our relationships with pwBPD, they are crying out to be rescued and we are waiting for people to rescue. It's how that dynamic works and what draws us in. Only what we miss is that the only people we can save are ourselves and they cannot be rescued unless they rescue themselves. That is part of the reason the relationship turns toxic. If we jump in to save them and they don't want to be, we end up in a cycle to the point we become depleted. Who is going to rescue us? Not the BPD, because they are looking for the next person to rescue them. We have served our purpose and therefore no good to them now because we didn't rescue them and put ourselves in danger.

You have to realise that although you might feel like a failure, you are far from it and there was only ever going to be one outcome. Because like I say, the only person you can rescue is yourself and that is the same for a pwBPD. What kept me attached were those very same feelings of guilt that you have but there comes a point where you have to realise, that isn't your guilt to carry.

For myself, that guilt stems from my own childhood. I can't hold my mother accountable because she tried the best she could with what we had. I was forced into a caretaker role from a very young age where I grew up too fast and felt I always had to be perfect to please others. It meant I always catered for other peoples needs over my own and eventually, my only need was to make others happy. It is difficult when you have cared for others for so long and the moment you stop, they make you feel guilty because they cannot take care of themselves. The best way my T put it was that you shouldn't carry the weight of other peoples guilt, it is theirs to own. As for me, because I have catered for everybody else for so long, I have earned the right to take care of me without feeling any guilt attached to that.

It doesn't matter if the person pwBPD I have been caring for crashes and burns because that is theirs to deal with. It might even be the wake up call they desperately wanted so in a sense, stepping back might ultimately be the thing that saves them. I have earned the right to take care of me and though some people might not like it, I don't have any control over their thoughts and feelings, I have control over myself. Those who can't respect you for being you and taking care of you have no business being in your life. Those who do respect you are the ones you need to hang on to.

I would suggest in your case, that rather than looking at the grief process, you take a long look at where your fears of failure and guilt come from. Step outside of the BPD relationship and examine what points in your own life have led you to be the person you are right now. It's those areas you need to address first because you can't move forward until you do. All you would achieve is putting a band aid over your true self and falling into the same patterns. Once you have addressed the core issue, things such as "not being like that" are your basis for the healthy boundaries you set yourself and the people that will enter your life then will respect, admire and love yo for who you are, not what they want you to be. 

[bpdspell]

I've followed some and have been stuck 2 years now.  I don't like my alternatives of giving up either.  Just like same feeling if somebody dies but you still get hung on wishing they'd return. That is universal though.  

Hey Jacked up,

You wouldn't be "giving up" by choosing happiness because happiness is what you deserve. Not wallowing in grieve and emotional pain.

Your ex cannot give you "peace of mind" because she isn't well. I can sense a bit of unwillingness of not accepting on your part that isn't healthy to hold on to. There is a difference between "giving up" and surrendering. If you surrender you allow yourself the emotional room to claim your life back instead of investing in the twisted belief that our BPD ex's have the magic keys to our happiness. It is a fantasy that your ex will come back to "give" you a peace of mind. Your peace of mind lives inside of you and a sick person cannot "give" you that.

As for other members on here and their grieving process it isn't a race to the finish line but more a matter of the person's willingness to walk through the fire of letting go and healing. There are stages of grieving that we all must walk through but on the other side of it all is where the light of joy lives. Therapy with an experienced BPD professional can help tremendously in giving those of us who've lived in the fog clarity on the disorder and the part we played in the toxic dance but at some point the realization and the acceptance of BPD as a true disorder comes from our personal desire to grow from this experience.

I do sense a certain sense of reluctance to accept the reality that your relationship has ended and that's ok.

My question to you would be: What do your really want? What does your heart truly desire? Be honest and work from there. No one on here can judge you for still loving your ex and being hopeful of a miracle because that makes you human. But if you truly desire to move beyond your "stuckness" you have to be willing to explore options that can guide you towards a path of healing and to the rediscovery that your "peace" lives within.

It took me two years to accept how emotionally sick my ex was and the part that I played through my people pleasing addiction approval ways and my own deeply unhealed childhood schema's that I replayed over and over through my romantic relationships. And of course this last go with the BPDexbf was the "big" one. Like being struck by a stroke, heart attack, and lung cancer all at the same time. It hurt like no other emotional pain I've ever experienced but somehow in someway there's grace.

Believe it or not there is part of us that desires to "live" and a part of us that isn't totally destroyed or smashed to smithereens. This is the part of us that gives us the courage to sign up to BPD family and share our story. it is a tiny light of hope. This tiny part must be nurture and validated so it can grow and reclaim the damaged parts of ourselves. There is life and happiness after the pain and destruction.

As for healing you have to desire it and something tells me that you do but you just aren't sure how or why. Is that accurate?