I need a bit of bravery please

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi friends,

It's been a few months since I've been here. My exit strategy went bust and I can tell you about that later (lots of issues with the swedish domestic abuse support system here) but right now I've written an email to my family and friends telling them I need to come back to the states from Sweden. I've explained my BPD's issues and that I need support.

The trouble is... . that even after a nasty episode with my BPD yesterday and tonight (which did get physical)... . I can't seem to push the damn send button on that email. I keep thinking... . "Oh it will change". "He'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine". "All I want is for him to love me and respect me... . once he calms down we'll be back on track and this will never happen again"

Darn it... . all i wanted was to come to sweden to be with this great guy. I just wanted him to love me and respect me. And in some crazy mixed up way, I'm thinking that maybe this is all my fault. If I just try harder, the relationship will work out.

What the hell is wrong with me? Can someone hold my hand while I send this email?

[sadinsweden]

Hi friends,

It's been a few months since I've been here. My exit strategy went bust and I can tell you about that later (lots of issues with the swedish domestic abuse support system here) but right now I've written an email to my family and friends telling them I need to come back to the states from Sweden. I've explained my BPD's issues and that I need support.

The trouble is... . that even after a nasty episode with my BPD yesterday and tonight (which did get physical)... . I can't seem to push the damn send button on that email. I keep thinking... . "Oh it will change". "He'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be fine". "All I want is for him to love me and respect me... . once he calms down we'll be back on track and this will never happen again"

Darn it... . all i wanted was to come to sweden to be with this great guy. I just wanted him to love me and respect me. And in some crazy mixed up way, I'm thinking that maybe this is all my fault. If I just try harder, the relationship will work out.

What the hell is wrong with me? Can someone hold my hand while I send this email?

[HostNoMore]

Hi sad:

Sorry to hear of your troubles.  First off, there is nothing that you can ever do to affect this person to ever change.  Nothing he did or did not do is your fault either so do not feel guilty though it is a natural feeling when initially exiting a toxic relationship.  You stated that things got physical.  This is not good for you.  I think you are caught between what you know is right, and what you feel should be right.

Send the email to your friends and family as you are going to need their support.  They truly love you all of them.  Some of them will not believe you at first as a BPD experience is so foreign to those who have not experienced one.  Folks on this board have been through the BPD wringer so we'll guide you through this by virtue of our collective experiences.

Run, run like the wind and never look back.  There is no excuse for physical violence, period.  After you go through the recovery process, you will discover a new self that is stronger and better for the experience. 

[sadinsweden]

Thanks HostNoMore... . I really feel like the last few months I've been working at about 20% of what my capacity was a year ago. I spend so much time on either fighting, recovering from fighting or trying to find help that I'm nearly worthless at this point. And the insults... . OMG... . even when I don't engage it's awful. I am a shadow of my former self.

But the problem is (ok... . one of the problems is) I'm basically looking at being homeless and penniless when I return to the states.

[winston72]

Why is it that we wonder and hope for things to be better tomorrow?  Perhaps a little more effort from us would make it better?  If only we said things a little differently it would work out?  It seems like the worse the behavior, the greater our... . hopes, or are they delusions?  Me thinks they are delusions, albeit ones that are probably based on some pleasant memories.

I feel the same way, the same pull of hope.  But, reading your post it does seem to be advisable to push the send button.  Now!  Broke and recovering is better than solvent and suffering.  Much better.

All the best to you... .

[sadinsweden]

Broke and recovering is better than solvent and suffering.  Much better.

Well that is certainly something to think about... . yes! I believe you are right. And I will have my family and friends to help. I'm very isolated here.

[HostNoMore]

Yes, you are on his turf, literally.  A stranger in a strange land. 

Do not worry about the future right now as it will take care of itself as you take care of yourself.  You have friends and family here in the States.  They will be there for you.  You and your safety are the most important things right now.  Friends and family offer true love not the fake mirroring "love" that a BPD offers.

BPDs tend to isolate their victims from their friends and family so a lot of what you are feeling is from that method of control that they so effectively wield. 

I found that once I shook off my borderline I was able to focus on myself and my needs instead of hers.  Yes, I was at about 20% too.  Once that happened, it was almost like a bad spell had been lifted and things began to click for me.  Basically, I went out and made a new life for myself one day at a time.  Once you get through this rough patch, things are going to turn around for you.  Get back into your network of your friends and family back at home.  From there your life will take a turn for the positive.  BPDs are like black holes that will drain your energy until nothing but a husk remains. 

As difficult and emotionally challenging a recovery from a BPD experience is, long term you will learn things about yourself as you go through the process.  The first thing you must do is to get yourself back home and away from the madness.  Also, realize that a lot of other fine folks have shared very similar experiences as you have.  You will never be alone through this. 

This board is an oasis where you will always find someone to help you.  I was unemployed at the time of my release from BPD hell, and this board was my therapist.  Now, nearly two years out of my toxic relationship the business that I started is growing like a weed even in these times of economic uncertainty.  That is why I tell you to focus on yourself and things will have a way of sorting themselves out for you.  Also, fear not as everything you are feeling is perfectly normal.

[sadinsweden]

Ok... . thanks guys. I'm sending the email.

I'll be back tomorrow... . it's nearly midnight here and I need some much needed sleep.

[sadinsweden]

I just hit the "send" button... . god, I hope this is right. Ohhh... . ohhh... . actually, that felt ok. Like help is on the way. Will I feel the same way tomorrow. Was this a knee jerk reaction? Oh hit... . now I'm freaking out again.

[sadinsweden]

No no... . this was right. I'm tired of having to have my cell phone always fully charge. Tired of hiding my laptop. Tired of being berated and belittled. Tired of trying and trying and trying to no avail. I'm tired of the insults. I'm tired of the fights. I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm worthless. And... . I want my self respect back!

[HostNoMore]

That's the spirit!

[Clearmind]

SadinSweden - often we feel we are betraying our partners by leaving and often we sense overhwelming shame and guilt for not being to "handle it".

Is it really your role to "handle" physical violence? My friend, this is not a good situation. However in saying that if things are physical right now do you at least have an exit strategy in place.

Leaving without a plan is not a great idea. Do you have copies of documents and all important papers in order so you can leave the country?

[sadinsweden]

Clearmind. I've been working on an exit strategy for a long while now. Unfortunately, my only emergency exit plan is to call the police when things get really bad. I have done this twice in the past. The system for domestic abuse here is very much lacking. I've called many support groups here, only to be directed to another number which usually only has a voice mail message. Or no one answers the phone. I've talked to people who usually listen but don't provide any answers. (Due to the terms of my residence permit, if this relationship ends, I will be deported... . Funny thing, I read the other day about this in an article. The author was noting that how when the relationship ends, Sweden no longer sees the expat as necessary. We are disposable.) I called the US embassy and was told that they no longer handle immigrant situations (What the heck? Isn't that sort of part of their job?). I called the migration office and was put on hold for 26 minutes before I finally gave up and hung up. Going to a women's shelter here is quite problematic as their are not enough beds, and so the ladies and children get pushed into some "other" type of housing for homeless, or drug addicted people... . this is not a good situation and I've heard horror stories. Getting an apartment is nearly impossible. (which is interesting because if I were a refugee or seeking asylum in Sweden, they would set me up in an apartment with a washer and drier and a monthly stipend) I was given the number of social services which I tried phoning. I was then given another number but told they only had "phone hours" from 9am-10am. 24 hour hotlines also have only voice mail messages and they will call you back. And let's not even talk about the fact that all these services are in Swedish and my Swedish sucks! Finally finally... . I was able to contact a very nice lady at Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Center. She listens but every number she provides leads to another dead end. We are both frustrated.

I was told the US embassy would provide me a repatriation flight home. They will not provide for my cats and they will take my passport and provide a temporary passport. Once I pay them back for the flight, they will reissue my passport.

I do have all my paperwork together and in order. One of my problems (and a heartbreaking one) is that I came here with quite a bit of my mom's jewelry which I inherited. This was always my "life insurance". There is a $20,000.00 diamond engagement ring involved. My BPD is now in possession of all that jewelry and has hidden it. Refuses to give it back. I believe this is because he knows if he returns it, I'll be gone. So today, my mission is to systematically go thru this apartment and try and find where he has hidden it. And so far, I've had no luck.

My other immediate issue is the ruminating. It must stop and I can't make it stop. It's interfering with my work, my creativity, and well... . my life.

This relationship has consumed me. As I said, I'm working at about 20%. I used to be successful, happy and respected and even loved by my clients. And of course my family. I had a successful career which I wanted to establish here in Sweden. BPD doesn't understand what I do and is always berating me about my job. It's not nearly as important as his job (Hello Narcissist!) This makes it nearly impossible for me to ... . function at work. I'm so beaten down by the whole thing I've lost my mojo.

And the weekend is here... . that means 48 hours of hell. I'd leave and go into the city and hang out in the park for some hours on Saturday or Sunday, but my BPD has seen to it that I have literally no money. (This is a big problem that expats face. Because they have left everything behind and are starting new, their abusers usually isolate them and hold the financial purse-strings tight) I don't even have enough money to take the bus into the city. Not enough to buy a cup of coffee. I've had to ask family to donate money so that I can get home. I came here last year with about $15,000 and made another $5,000 from work with some lingering clients but that has all gone toward supporting myself, building a relationship and home.

[Clearmind]

SadinSweden, an emergency exit strategy is needed – you may or may not need it. What is important is to have copies of all important paperwork, small case with clothes stored outside the home. If you had to leave Sweden today and go back to the USA – what would you need?

Is there a way to put some money away without him knowing? Do you have your own money? Have you told family - I am sure they would pay for a ticket for you.

[Surnia]

So sorry to hear all this, sadinsweden! 

I agree with clearmind.

Without money in a foreign country is a nightmare. You are in a situation like a prisoner.  :'(

Did your family answer your mail?

I can totally relate with your sentence: I want my self respect back. You need a safe place for this.

[ScarletOlive]

sadinsweden, my dear this sounds very difficult.   Good on you for calling so many people seeking help, and for sending that email to your family. You should be very proud of yourself. I'm so sorry the system is letting you down. But your bravery shines through. You really do deserve better, and are worth more than what you're getting.

Glad to hear you're getting together an exit strategy. This article has a whole section on what to pack and bring, including clothes, legal documents, any medications, and valuables. It might help. www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning/#3

Do you have any friends who would adopt the kittens for you? Keep us posted. We care very much, hun. Sending you lots of caring and support.

[sadinsweden]

I sent 7 emails. I got two replies. (neither of my two best friends replied). I understand, it's a ugly topic and people are uncomfortable.

I sold some of my moms jewelry and so now I have some cash to get around the city, keep my cell running, and a bit in a savings account.

My cousin replied and offered to help.

My son replied. Harshly. And he is pissed at me because I should have left already and gone "anywhere". He wrote me a three page email telling me that I should "get my priorities straight". He's worried sick and yelling at me.

Anyway... . i came here to write about something totally different but ... . here we are. I'll get back to you once I've recovered from the three pager. WOW!

[rosannadanna]

Hi sadinsweden ,

So good to hear from you.  I was thinking about PM'ing you to follow up on how you were doing, and I feel guilty for not.  You are in a bad situation and you need people saying to you "Hey I am here.  I didn't forget about you.  I know you are there and you are important!"  So I want to say that now!

I am so sorry your son reacted in such an insensitive way; that must have been rough.  I bet he is afraid for you and it comes out as anger (men tend to operate this way).  It must make him feel so helpless to see you helpless and I bet the anger that you heard from him is really meant for your PBD.  But I am guessing it makes you blame yourself even more for this situation and that is a normal reaction.  Please try to remember that you have done nothing to cause or deserve the abuse!

You are definitely in an unsafe situation and the Swedish DV-assistance sounds pretty p!ss-poor.  I am so frustrated hearing about all the ways you, as a victim of DV, are not being helped and in fact, are kind of being re-victimized.

It's good that you are exposing the abuse on this message board.  Are you being as explicit with your friends and family in your email requests for help?  They need to understand the urgency and danger of this situation.  The number one cause of death for women is DV.  No joke.

Please keep us posted.  We care about you.

[Surnia]

Sadinsweden

so sorry to hear about the replies which are possibly not what you expected... . :'(

 We are here for you. And we are perhaps a bit more used to deal with this kind of stuff.

[Surnia]

How are you, sadinsweden?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi, Sadinsweden

I'm so sorry to hear you've had such a bad experience with the support system in Sweden. It's shocking that people in need can't get help.

And I wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel better about the lack of replies and the long email from your son. I'm sending you lots of courage and moral support! Good luck!