Is there a happy balance?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know we're in so many "doomed if I do" situations every day, but there is one I want to ask about particularly:

On planning stuff.  Anything.

Usually, if I just go ahead and plan something (following H's general idea), then more often than not, he will:

- criticise me to being selfish/ inconsiderate/ insensitive because I just went ahead with my own ideas,

- say I don't discuss things with him,

- complain up till the date of whatever is happening (or even after) how my plans inconvenice him, and

- use it as a "proof" that everything he does, he change his plans just for me.

But since he never gives me a list of criteria for planning something, or let me know exactly what his plans are so I can plan around those, sometimes I have to ask him for opinions every step of the way (just so I can modify the plans to suit his needs), and he will:

- be really annoyed and say how come he needs to take care of these mundane things, which in turn... .

- criticise me for being a useless wife because I can't do things on my own.

Am I handling these things incorrectly, or how can I go about so that I can actually plan something without being critisied in these 2 ways?

[Chosen]

I know we're in so many "doomed if I do" situations every day, but there is one I want to ask about particularly:

On planning stuff.  Anything.

Usually, if I just go ahead and plan something (following H's general idea), then more often than not, he will:

- criticise me to being selfish/ inconsiderate/ insensitive because I just went ahead with my own ideas,

- say I don't discuss things with him,

- complain up till the date of whatever is happening (or even after) how my plans inconvenice him, and

- use it as a "proof" that everything he does, he change his plans just for me.

But since he never gives me a list of criteria for planning something, or let me know exactly what his plans are so I can plan around those, sometimes I have to ask him for opinions every step of the way (just so I can modify the plans to suit his needs), and he will:

- be really annoyed and say how come he needs to take care of these mundane things, which in turn... .

- criticise me for being a useless wife because I can't do things on my own.

Am I handling these things incorrectly, or how can I go about so that I can actually plan something without being critisied in these 2 ways?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[united for now]

He is trying to have his cake and eat it too... .

He deliberately places you in a no win situation - for many reasons. If I was to guess, he may fear making a choice, since that would mean he can be blamed if it goes wrong. He'd rather have "you" take the blame. He can then criticize to his hearts content.

The more you change your already developed plans to suit his changing agenda, the more you reinforce that "his" plans are more important than yours. You are giving him the power and the control each and every time you bend over backwards to meet his demands... .

The easiest way to break this pattern is to do just that - break it.

Make your decision and then when he complains, rather than take his criticism to heart you can smile and thank him for his opinion and let him know that next time he is free to offer his thoughts before/while you are planning.

As long as you play the game under his rules, then you will continue to be sucked into being the bad guy. Change the rules and assume your power.

[Chosen]

If I was to guess, he may fear making a choice, since that would mean he can be blamed if it goes wrong. He'd rather have "you" take the blame. He can then criticize to his hearts content.

I completely agree with this.  I'm sure he fears making decisions because it means he has to be accountable for something.  But actually, there were many times when I followed his decisions to do something and he didn't like it, he still didn't take responsbility because he used other stuff to attack me (personal attacks, just making stuff up).  So basically his default is to blame me for everything.

I understand what you're saying.  However, a lot of times if I plan something (that can be changed), he will want me to change it afterwards, when things are already planned.  If it's something that cannot be changed, he moans about it.  So for the stuff I can change, should I refuse, because after all it was him who didn't give me any input initially?  Then I'm sure he'll call me inflexible, stubborn... .

[united for now]

OK... . so he's given you his opinion that you are selfish, inflexible, and stubborn... . And? he's entitled to his opinion and you are entitled to yours. You don't have to agree with each other. You can thank him for his input and use SET to speak your truth... .

I want to do things with you, since I care about you. I asked you before making these plans and they can't be changed now.

[Chosen]

Yes, you're right!  Actually I have stopped caring that he thinks I'm selfish, inflexible and stubborn... . but I guess I'm the type to try to avoid conflict with the ones closest to me... .

But I have to accept that he isn't going to like some of what I do and he will make a fuss... . it's probably unrealistic to think of a way to get rid of all their annoyances.