lost my temper

[badknees]

Last night my BPD wife was in a good mood. I came home with dinner and settled in to watch some TV after a tough day at work. Wife began mentioning all the projects I have to do. Keeping in mind I do everything from yard work to laundry to the bills, she pleasently continued. I failed to be "mindful" of who I was with (including the Fact she was out of one of her meds) and began getting irritated, and got angry at her (which I know I can't). She of course reacted by getting very upset, cutting, then telling me as always " when you try to apologize I will not forgive this andwill always remember what you did tonight". So today I am used my tools to deal with the feelings generated by last night's spat. Most couples I assume would treat this simple as a spat but with a BPD wife this will be a 1-2 week long ordeal. Yes I was short woth her, yes I sould have been mindful she is down one med and its evening wht this stuff usally happens, BUT how do I deal with the guilt, anger at her, emotions from last night.I hate how everything hinges on how I react and how always, every moment of every day hpw mindful I have to be with her. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks in advance.

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[4now]

Gotcha on this one big time... . just read my recent post from the other day.  First, sounds like you are being hard on yourself-just a little- as I was.  So give yourself a break-that's what someone told me.  I basically asked on the board-do you get to have a bad day?

I was short with my h and was irritated about some things, two little things in front of him and one he only heard about second hand from my daughter.  All very minor, but to him it was NOT minor at all.  Something I know "normal" couples go through a lot and get over it quickly, but like you said it turns into a BIG deal when BPD is involved. 

You said, "I hate how everything hinges on how I react"  which hits the nail on the head big time.  There is a lot to walking on eggshells and I think that is one of those things. 

My best advice is ... . give yourself a break.  You are overwhelmed (perhaps) and lost your patience.  It happens to the best of us.  Remind yourself that you didn't do anything terribly wrong-we all lose our patience.  Apologize for the part you did that you can/should apologize for-ie getting short with her; and go on about your business as normally as possible.  I struggled with the resentment, why can't I have emotions or frustrations with him? It's completely normal for that to happen. I guess I had to remind myself of the bigger picture and try to realize how it made him feel, even though it all felt a little ridiculous to me.  I find myself thinking "what about me? and why do I always have to be the bigger person?"  I guess it's just how it is and if I am the mentally "healthier" person, I guess I should behave that way, even when I don't want to or can't do it immediately.

[badknees]

Thank you, I needed to hear your answer. It's all just the price paid for "staying". OK when she gets home I will apoloigze for my part (carefully wording is important here isn't it)  Then carry on taking the dog to the doctor and paying some bills till the storm passes. I am not so tired today from work so I think I will be able to be more mindfull I am dealing with someone who has a mental illness where a  spat is a major attack on her. I wish I had a little gnome sitting on my shoulder 24/7 (whenever I see, speak, meet etc her) whispering into my ear "it's not your fault, be patient, don't defenddon't argue, don't explain or justify ( I forgot the great acronym , what is it? darn it)  Just be mindful and be in the moment etc. I guess to stay involves alot of energy. I am gettingolder and I wonder how I will handle all this when we are in our 60s, 70s or 80s. By that time I may my own issues, health problems etc. Wow, the future with a BPD spouse is scarey!     

[Chosen]

badkness,

Let's take a look here at what happened.  You wife said something what you are upset out (nagged you, pushed responsibilities on you), you retaliated because you were upset and said things you probably shouldn't, she punishes you.

The short conclusion is: you both did something you shouldn't have.  But hey, because she's BPD and you're not, doesn't mean you were the only one in the wrong!  (It's easy to feel that way and I did, for a long long time.)  You probably reacted instead of responded, but you are human and you are not perfect.  You didn't say the best things in the best tone, but this kind of stuff happens sometimes. 

I suppose first it's time to give yourself a little break, to help your own emotions calm down first.  Then, we both know that she will "punish" you and you will have to "pay" for losing your temper.  It's nasty, and you will have to deal with it.  Apologise for things you did wrong, but if her choice is to punish you, then detach a bit, and tell yourself this is the way she chooses for dealing for a small argument (which yes, most normal couples just let it be).  Just because she chooses to take this action doesn't mean you have to take full responsibility for it... . and next time, if you are able, just catch yourself before you lose your temper.  There's always another time to practise it 

[badknees]

your right, this will pass and I can try to catch myself next time. I am more calm today and have some perspective now. I really appreciate the help from you guys. I use it.

[waverider]

Part of Acceptance is that you wont always get things right. Heck at times i will do the less than proper response when I know in advance that it is probably wrong and will cause a drama. Doing the "appropriate" thing is my choice not my obligation. Because it is my choice I feel less resentment doing it.

I am here, I know a heck of a lot more than I used to, we are both better off for it, so i wont allow myself to feel guilty for somehow "failing" to be perfect at all times.

You could do and say the perfect thing, and still be in trouble. It's how you are most of the time that matters. Dont set yourself up as the guilty party otherwise you will become the automatic scapegoat.