In the course of therapy, it became apparent that there were two people in my life that have consistently caused pain for me. My dBPDh and 22 year-old daughter. After many years of struggle, I am divorcing my husband and trying to find some peace in my life. However, it is becoming more appararent that my daughter is likely BPD as well.
In a way I'm just finding this possibilty devastating, but it also makes boundaries so much clearer for me. Daughter is extremely intelligent. Graduated from high school a year early and entered a program at the University with full scholarship. She was also accepted into their dance program, so started out as a dance major. Honestly, she has enough talent that she could do anything. Before this though, she was cutting herself at 15 and dating a very "rebellious" guy by 16. We went to counseling consistently, and a lot of it was chalked up to being an "over-thinker". Shortly after she turned 16, she told us she was on her own "journey", didn't want to follow house rules, and moved in with her boyfriend. Then she would come back, then she left for college. It was so painful during those years because sticking with our boundaries meant going through times where we wouldn't hear from her for 2 or 3 months at a time. When she was 19, she ended up pregnant with her boyfriend, and there was just a constant cycle of drama. Maybe it's because I'm a mom, but I almost always blamed everything on her boyfriend. I figured he must have her "brainwashed". And to some extent, maybe he did. All of this ended last October when he physically abused her to a point where she pressed charges, he went to prison, and she and our grandson moved back in with us.
The shock that came with her moving back in with us included her excessive drinking (even picking up our 11 year old daughter from school after drinking one day) and the amount of attention that she requires at 22 years of age. After setting the rules very clearly, I caught her smoking pot in my basement and drinking and gave her 1 month to find a place to live. Instead, she moved out the next week. (impulsivity!) Again, at first I was making excuses for her thinking that she may have PTSD from the relationship, etc. But when I really look at it, she still drinks, cannot keep a job, asks for me to do an unreasonable amount of childcare and buying for her, and had not finished college despite having 4 years of it paid for. If I say anything to her about her drinking or anything else, she will decide that she just doesn't want me to watch my grandson anymore. She is bright, so I feel like she can just snow her counselors and other people sometimes. I ask myself all the usual questions: ":)id I not give her enough attention? Did I give her too much attention? Was she too busy in High School? Are my expectations too high?"
Upside is that she does continue to see a therapist every week, and in discussing her dad's BPD, she has come to the conclusion that she has some of the same traits. I think the self-awareness is good, but she still doesn't admit the extent of her problems. I'm trying not to "rescue" but this is so difficult when there is a 3 year old in the mix. I have actually considered telling her that I would take temporary custody so she would go to treatment. All of this makes the possibility of "peace" seem distant.
It's taken me a long time to even be able to write all of this out, as the possibility of another person in my life with BPD is just too much to think about some times. I could let myself get into a big pity-party if I'm not careful.
Does anyone else have the experience of a spouse and child with BPD? If so, how have you found balance/peace?
