Therapy

[hanginon]

Some of you regulars over here know I have been in the abyss, the back and forward bad place just trying to work on getting through ending a relationship with a woman I dearly love that has a dreadful mental illness.  Something I have started doing myself is, every time I feel those twinges that... . surely somehow we could straighten things out, surely somehow we could make things work, surely somehow we could save it... . I go over to the "staying and making a relationship better" board. "Goodness gracious"... . it is sad that those poor people are trying to make such difficult conditions somehow "slightly" better by applying defensive measures just trying to make it so they can survive emotionally.  Trying to figure out how to live in a terrible place emotionally and make it just be "ok" for the sake of saving a relationship that sounds toxic.

I go see a T once a week... . this fills in during the in-between times I feel weak.

Hanginon

[Validation78]

Hi Hanginon!

The way we proceed in the these relationships is different for each and every one of us. Some know right off, this isn't for me. Others don't know how, or don't feel able, to let go. Others, like myself, feel a commitment to a marriage or relationship, to do everything possible, before throwing in the towel. Whatever it is, every person who takes part in this forum, on every board, is someone who cares enough about someone else to seek support and understanding in dealing with a very complicated and confusing mental illness that many of us had never heard of before getting involved in our relationships! We all go through the different phases of dealing with it at our own pace, and members here are lucky enough to have found a supportive family. Thank God we can all be here for each other! Glad it helps you to be here!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[hanginon]

Val,

Let me begin where I should, by offering an apology. I understand that not everyone is in the same place in our lives and I also realize in retrospect that my post should have been an idle observation that I kept securely inside my own head.  I am sorry if my comment in any way offended you or made you feel angry or uncomfortable. 

I understand the challenges of being in a relationship with a BPDs/o and the heartache, fear, dread and anxiety it can bring on.  Just to make us question our own sanity we will occasionally have the best of the best or at least pass it momentarily on our way to the worst of the worst. Self assessment, questioning self worth, your own sanity... . I know.

I can and do realize that not all p/wBPD have the same level of functionality, challenges or abilities and that some relationships show more promise at being saved or at least maintained than others. Point well taken.

Again, a sincere apology, good luck with your situation and yes this site has become a refuge for me.  We all need each other for support and understanding here, myself included.

Hanginon

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Hanginon, It sounds like you have confirmed that Leaving is the right board for you, which is a big step in my view.  Many of us have flip-flopped between Boards, as Val describes, in order to leave no stone unturned.  It's a journey that we travel at our own pace, with caring people facing similar issues at different stops along the way.  Hang in there hanginon, LuckyJim

[Validation78]

Hey Hanginon!

No problem friend! I was not offended at all. I can really understand where you were coming from! I really wanted others to know, that it is OK for them to make decisions in their relationships in a way that is right for them. As outside observers, we may not understand why someone does something, however, in order for our forum to work so well, I find it best for us to be supportive of each other, even if we don't understand why a fellow member is doing something that might not make sense to us. The DBT practice of taking a nonjudgmental stance has helped me to do this better, and I still need a lot of work in that area!

Thanks for your thoughtful participation and well wishes for me too! It is an honor to be part of a group that can be truly empathetic to one another in the wake of BPD turmoil!

Best Wishes,

Val78