any non BPD's blaming themselves?

[swimjim]

Does anyone find themselves blaming themselves for the demise of their relationship with their ex BPD? I know I am part to blame but find myself ruminating the woulda, coulda, shoulda. This is horrible. I really got hurt bad to the point that she wanted to damage my reputation with false allegations. She split me black after wanting to marry me so bad. I keep thinking if I would have acted sooner to what she wanted, I would not be grieving like this right now. She used to say I was the greatest love of her life. I didn't give her the ring soon enough. Now my ex friend is the greatest love of her life.

[recoil]

Yeah.

Sometimes I think I should have given her the "break" she requested and just sat back.  But I up'd the ante with a break-up. 

But taking my feelings out of the equation, it was the best thing I could have done under the circumstances; especially for my daughter.  But I sometimes regret it -- and sometimes I don't.

[KellyO]

I believe most of us on this side of the Board have done this. I think because of our own issues we easaly blaim ourselves and feel lots of quilt. We are often raised that way, or learned to do that otherwise.

It is always good to look honestly at yourself, and see if you REALLY could have done something. When I was at that point of my journey out of disorder-land, I felt there was absolutely nothing I wouldn't be ready to do to save the relationship. I was ready to slave myself, work 24/7 for that relationship and take 200 % responsibility of everything. Just to be with that one person. That was absolutely crazy... . and there is no way I would have managed to keep it going in the long run. He would have just crushed me even more. I would have propably ended up in the early grave.

I always think there is a motivation behind my actions even they seem to be crazy at that point. Now I see my motivations were: fear of being lonely the rest of my life, fear of being unworthy, fear of loosing something I still believed had much value. Fear of never being loved again.  Lots of wishful thinking and denial. Lots of willpower used in wrong direction.

There was absolutely nothing I could have done to save that relationship. That person will never have any kind of remotely normal relationship because he can't have it. He is hard-wired to destroy every relationship he is in. He can't help it. He can't stop it. It had nothing to do with me. More I tried to make it work, more he HAD to find ways to destroy it. He is programmed that way, and he has to replay that program in any relationship he is in. It will not stop replaying itself until he realizes it is a program, not something women make him to do. There was absolutely nothing I could have done. In the time we were together I changed a lot and I grew a lot (someone had to... . ), but he is still the same.

[seeking balance]

Does anyone find themselves blaming themselves for the demise of their relationship with their ex BPD? I know I am part to blame but find myself ruminating the woulda, coulda, shoulda. This is horrible. I really got hurt bad to the point that she wanted to damage my reputation with false allegations. She split me black after wanting to marry me so bad. I keep thinking if I would have acted sooner to what she wanted, I would not be grieving like this right now. She used to say I was the greatest love of her life. I didn't give her the ring soon enough. Now my ex friend is the greatest love of her life.

When our ex moves on so quickly, it is normal for us to question our every action in the relationship.  It also pushed my core, "not good enough" button.

The truth, it takes 2 people to make a relationship and it takes 2 people to end a relationship - no other way around it.

pwBPD have a bottomless need in them.  Some folks are better able to handle this than others by their natural way of being in the world - that doesn't mean you are a bad person, it just means everyone is different. 

I have learned through these boards that I naturally am not a good fit for a pwBPD.  Can I practice and do the tools well - yep.  Is it my natural way of being?  Nope.  I am direct - say what I mean and mean what I say... . this is not always a validating way of being for highly sensitive people.  The person my ex is with was a friend, someone who sugar coats everything, as such, I do think they will work better in a relationship.  They will also have more debt, chaos and eventually my ex will need attention of another, that is how she is wired. 

It is good to look at yourself, but be real with who you are - this is part of the radical acceptance process.

[KellyO]

I've been thinking: Disordered partners keep telling us how bad we are. How everything is our fault. Don't  they? And maybe our self-esteem was not good to begin with (I know mine was very low). So we begin to believe it really was our fault, even though if we could see it all in outsiders eyes we could see it had nothing to do with us. And then they leave, and get new partner in a minute, and keep the same show now with someone else. And maybe we were told that even their ex's were good compared to us. I know my ex-bf's ex-gf just somehow got better and better during our rs.

The thing is, we haven't seen them with their ex's, and we haven't seen them with their new ones. We see the act, the show. If we could really be a fly on the wall in their lives and hear all the things they say to the new love, and if we could really find out the truth about their relationships before us, I believe we could see something that would make us forget all the stuff about us not trying enough, in a minute. We would hear exactly same words that were spoken to us, and exactly same accusations, and same pattern all over again.

I believe to disordered person every relationship is the same. Face just changes. So, if you are just an object in their play called "Me, myself and I in a relationship", how an earth you could do something to make a difference in it? Eventually you are found quilty of being a human being with personality, needs and feelings, and that won't do!

MInd you, my ex-bf swings heavily to NPD so I'm always very pessimistic and cynical about these things.

[Lucky Jim]

Agree, KellyO.  For those of us with low self-esteem, we are highly susceptible to a pwBPD telling us that it is all our fault.  This may sound odd, but I think I operated under the misguided assumption that I could actually "figure out" BPD over time, when in fact the opposite was true,  as my BPDexW became more and more irrational as our marriage wore on.  Yet I kept thinking that I was doing "something" wrong and would eventually understand what that thing was, which turned out to be untrue.  In fact, my Ex's disordered behavior was impossible to predict, so the eggshells I walked on just seemed to multiply over time.  Finally one day my T asked me if I thought I had tried everything to save my marriage?  I answered Yes and knew from that day forward that my marriage wasn't going to work out for me.

Thanks to all, LuckyJim

[Sleuth]

This is the first time I've quoted someone; debatable if it will work.

She split me black after wanting to marry me so bad. I keep thinking if I would have acted sooner to what she wanted, I would not be grieving like this right now. She used to say I was the greatest love of her life. I didn't give her the ring soon enough.

Did that work? This system seems confusing.

Anyhow. Snap my friend, I'm extra familiar with that particular crunchy brand of blame. Ironically, I personally believe me eventually asking her to marry me - and her saying yes incidentally, was actually the beginning of the end of our relationship. Just making sure I was maximumly emotionally invested. I know she was engaged to her prior bf for 3 months before she left him and we begun our merry dance. Hello red flag; welcome to the pile of red flags.

It's an interesting point about being a fly on the wall of their exs or current partners. I certainly know the back story about all of my (let me see if I get this right) dbpBPDexgf (diagnosed bipolar/borderline ex girl friend? Is that what that means?) exbfs, naturally they were all the worst imaginable people ever.

What interests me is what she says about me now. My money's on me being totally the best thing ever.

[Sleuth]

Huzzah!

[Clearmind]

Now my ex friend is the greatest love of her life.

Replace 'ex friend' with 'swimjim' and this was you once! The guy before you probably had the exact same thought. I know the girl before me did - I asked her.

Its common to compare ourselves to another man/woman - that 'not good enough' button is all too true. Thoughts of "If only I had more money, home earlier, didn't have friends, didn't have needs, more attentive, more loving'... . all this leads to is... . walking on some very sharp eggshells! Does sound like a way to live the rest of your natural life?

[Blessed0329]

I am not blaming myself. It took me months, this forum, and my therapist to figure out what happened at various points as the relationship deteriorated, because my ex would rather walk on hot coals than actually confront something directly. Since he would not tell me what he thought the problem was, I was left guessing, and trying to read his mind. I know in hindsight mistakes I made, but not because my ex ever told me. And I simply refuse to accept blame when I was expected to read his mind.

[Octoberfest]

Agree, KellyO.  For those of us with low self-esteem, we are highly susceptible to a pwBPD telling us that it is all our fault.  This may sound odd, but I think I operated under the misguided assumption that I could actually "figure out" BPD over time, when in fact the opposite was true,  as my BPDexW became more and more irrational as our marriage wore on.  Yet I kept thinking that I was doing "something" wrong and would eventually understand what that thing was, which turned out to be untrue.  In fact, my Ex's disordered behavior was impossible to predict, so the eggshells I walked on just seemed to multiply over time.  Finally one day my T asked me if I thought I had tried everything to save my marriage?  I answered Yes and knew from that day forward that my marriage wasn't going to work out for me.

Thanks to all, LuckyJim

That doesn't sound odd at all.  I did it too.  I think most every NON who "falls into the trap" wants to play hero and be the ONE who is able to understand the pwBPD and get through to them. Be the only person to have tried hard enough and succeeded in solving all of the pwBPD's problems.

When I found out today that my dBPDexgf got a puppy with and is planning on moving in with her new bf (who she began seeing while still dating me... . ) I was taken aback and a little hurt i guess.  I had those feelings of inadequacy and all of that doubt about "not having been good enough" came rushing back.  They haven't even been talking for 2 months at this point and only see each other 1-2 times a week.  She and I had planned on meeting at the place we met, 1 year to the day, which would be the beginning of this coming school year in august.  I told her today that I didn't think it was smart.  I didn't want to distract her.  She told me TEN days ago that "she loves me and wants me back".  As we always seem to do, the conversation ended with a little bit of hostileness, he informing me that she was "doing very well at monogamy now"  .  I told her that "I am happy for you.  I am glad that you found the one person who can solve all of your personal problems and make it work where it has failed every time before.  Hopefully I may be so lucky."

It was a cheap blow, but it made me realize how futile and merry-go-round-like the BPD dance is.  Keep jumping to other people, because the right person is going to fix my problems, not me.

It is odd.  Even if I am positive that she is making a disasterous move that will blow up in her face, I am still hurt by it.  And really, I shouldn't even care what she is doing.  I think it traces back to a feeling of abandonment of my own.  As mentioned here, it cheapens all of the memories and feelings that were had when she has gone and moved on already.

[danley]

I realize there are some things that I could have done better or reasoned differently. I guess I just reach the end of my rope with my ex and him not putting in his share of the relationship. I too have thought to myself if only I didn't push for more time together or for him to reach out to ME first instead of it becoming the other way around. But then I think, WHY? A relationship is a team and working together to share the load of emotions and trials as well as the wins.

I believe both of us could have handled things differently but I honestly started to pull more weight than I should have. I do wish I would have suggested he stay in therapy after his separation from his wife. He actually went on his own. I should have seen the red flag there. I should have realized that he knew he had some issues to work on. I don't blame myself but I wish I had made the suggestion to him.

[Validation78]

Hi All!

I think it's human nature to wonder the "shoulda, woulda, coulda". After being around here for 2 years now, my conclusion is, that most of us, if not all of us, have done everything we could do salvage our relationships. Look at us here, examining ourselves, and learning what we can about a mental illness not that we have, that someone else has! That tells me that we are people who are truly interested in growth, and self improvement.

In retrospect, I can say with no doubt, that I did everything in my power to save my marriage. Not because I was afraid to leave. Because I made a comittment that I believed in. Had I known about BPD right away, I could have started using the tools sooner. Maybe that would have helped, however, doubtfully, would it have saved the marriage.

Even if you had given her the ring sooner and you got married, my guess is that it all would have turned out the same. Oh, except that ending it would have meant getting a divorce, which is a tad bit more complicated (UGH) than simply going off into the sunset. Break ups are all tough, and an opportunity to reflect, and figure out the whys, in an effort to do it better the next time around!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Murbay]

Blaming myself is what switched my T from being my ex's T to me. I blamed myself and she blamed me. During their initial conversations, she painted me out well enough for him to believe I was the pwBPD until he met me. The first joint session we had is when everything switched around because she went in there with all her accountability to offload on to me and I went in there accepting it all.

During my single sessions, I still carried the blame for how the relationship went and he was very blunt in saying that although I may have contributed to some of the arguments, the outcome was always going to be the same, even if I had been the most perfect person in the world. Because it is a pattern of predictability that started from the beginning of the relationship.

It's very hard for us not to blame ourselves because I know there were times I said something inappropriate out of frustration but I accepted responsibility for my own words and apologised for them.

I beat myself up over the point that Val made, had I known about the tools sooner I might possibly have saved the marriage. The T's response to that was that it still would not have worked. He explained that he knew all the tools and used them in his sessions with her but it didn't stop the rages against him or the outcome there. That it would have been like a magnet in the sense that it would have drawn us closer which would then have made her more destructive. It might have prolonged the agony but ultimately ended up destroying me in the process. She had enough people around her to validate her feelings and enable her so once I was battered and bruised, I was of no more use to her.