Hard to come to terms with everything

[Depression = 72% of members]

Today has not been a good day for me... . I appear to have forgotten all of the bad times in my relationship with expwBPD and seem to be clinging onto the good times.I feel ashamed to say this but I actually think I want him back... . why do I feel like this?I have had relationships before and felt nowhere near the grief I feel about losing him.Yet I know that he was cruel,spiteful and nasty to me.I feel weak for missing him.Today is the anniversary of the loss of our baby... . I have a special place where I go to think about her.I didn't want to be on my own today so (stupidly) I texted him to see if he could come with me.His response "OK but I can't stay long as I am going out".No words.

Why am I missing him?Why do I seem to want the relationship back?Why am I allowing him to hurt me over and over?Why am I hoping for a miracle?

I feel very very alone and isolated... . I am struggling with the concept that for him and those around us,life is going on yet for me my world has crumbled.He has painted me black to so many people that I feel I cannot talk to anyone about him.I just wanted things to be different... . I honestly thought I had met the man I would marry.I feel so sad today it is unreal.The worst thing is is that I cannot ever see this pain ending. :'(

[Nearlybroken]

Today has not been a good day for me... . I appear to have forgotten all of the bad times in my relationship with expwBPD and seem to be clinging onto the good times.I feel ashamed to say this but I actually think I want him back... . why do I feel like this?I have had relationships before and felt nowhere near the grief I feel about losing him.Yet I know that he was cruel,spiteful and nasty to me.I feel weak for missing him.Today is the anniversary of the loss of our baby... . I have a special place where I go to think about her.I didn't want to be on my own today so (stupidly) I texted him to see if he could come with me.His response "OK but I can't stay long as I am going out".No words.

Why am I missing him?Why do I seem to want the relationship back?Why am I allowing him to hurt me over and over?Why am I hoping for a miracle?

I feel very very alone and isolated... . I am struggling with the concept that for him and those around us,life is going on yet for me my world has crumbled.He has painted me black to so many people that I feel I cannot talk to anyone about him.I just wanted things to be different... . I honestly thought I had met the man I would marry.I feel so sad today it is unreal.The worst thing is is that I cannot ever see this pain ending. :'(

[Validation78]

Hi NB   

I am so sorry that this is such a tough time for you. It sucks to feel this way and there isn;t much anyone can do except to tell you that it will get better in time. I understand the pain and that it doesn't compare to other breakups. The relationship was not like others either, so it stands to reason that nothing would compare.

I know you're probably sick of hearing this, however, finding things that make you feel good, being around people you can talk to about this and him will help. It's hard, you may have to fake it till you make it, and it can be done. Time is your best friend and if you take it one day at a time, I assure you, it will get better. I found that regimentation made things easier for me. ie get up early, pray or meditate, do deep breathing exercises, go to work, enjoy coming home and doing things around the house, watch a movie, read a book, walk the dog, ride my bike, plan the weekend ahead of time, do something fun.

It;s hard to get on with things when we stay focused on the relationship. I don't think about the good times anymore. when I have had good thoughts of him, I have quickly replaced them with the nastiness, and now, I am just annoyed with the thought of him.

Continue hoping for a miracle, and let the miracle be a stronger, healthier you!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Nearlybroken]

Thanks for that Val,

I think that the hardest thing for me has been the negative way everything I have said or done has been portrayed.He twists EVERYTHING in order to make me out to be this awful person... . and I always fall into the trap of explaining myself... . which just makes everything worse.I am not a nasty person and it baffles me that someone could say such awful things and think it is an acceptable way to behave.I also struggle with the concept that it is just me that is on the receiving end.I have cried so many tears over him... . all I have ever wanted was for him to understand my point of view and the way I feel.But he seems incapable.I can't explain it really but whenever I have spoken to him about my feelings,his eyes just glaze over.He looks through me... . sometimes when I spoke with him he would tip his head back and stare at the ceiling... . he recently accused me of stalking him.When I told him how hurtful I found that (totally untrue) allegation he responded with "Ok... . lets just leave it".How am I expected just to "leave" all of the allegations.I find it impossible not to try and defend myself against his comments and views but defending myself just makes things worse.I know I havent dealt with the BPD in the way that I should but ,before his diagnosis I had never heard of it.I wish so much that I had found this forum last year... . maybe I wouldn't have struggled so much with his behaviour.The mad thing is is that if we have banal conversations he seems to be OK.The last time he came to pick up some belongings he started to talk to me as if there was nothing the matter!It's like being on a terrifying rollercoaster that I can't get off.

[delusionalxox]

I am so sorry nearlybroken and really really empathise.

My own feelings toward BPD ex are more anger right now but there is some grief. I also feel outraged and ashamed of myself. I want him to apologise to me for all the awful things he did such as stealing from me and exploiting me, lying to me etc. It will never happen. I will not get the closure I need.

I am obsessed and going a bit nuts with the stress too.

Do you HAVE to hve contact with him? Can you try to go NC? This man is no good for you and whenever you see him you suffer. The good times are gone. They will not come back. (I faced this).

I am so sorry too, regarding your baby. So hard to grieve alone, I know.

xxx

[delusionalxox]

I trick I have regarding the 'good' memories or longing resurging is to keep in mind the worst thing he ever did/said to you. Preferably a time when he was just SO dramatic, screechy and ridiculous that it is actually almost funny.

In my case it was when ex broke into my email and accused me of arranging an orgy and/or 'random sex appointment' (?) with my friend's boyfriend. She had asked if he could stop over with me as he would just be off a plane in UK. He thought of her as a liberal whore (like me!) so therefore every time we were in touch we must be plotting LICENTIOUSNESS! :d

I re-remember this deliberately every time I get an attached feeling for him or think of his pretty face and the sex!

It wasnt' worth it.

[Validation78]

Hey NB!

I say this to someone every day, think about it, and say it over and over if you must:

"I am living my truth"

As long as you can say that with a clear conscience, you are good to go. You need not defend yourself to anyone, no matter what they say, no matter what they think, you know the truth! It is so very powerful.

Believe me, there are times when I just want to shout out and be heard by him about the truth that I know. No matter how hard I try, he will never get it, nor will the ones around him, to whom he has told the tall tales. We have no power over that, and any effort to do so is futile!

Our freedom will come from the truth! Find your peace from within yourself!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[seeking balance]

  Nearlybroken

First, it is normal to go through this part - be kind to yourself.

Today has not been a good day for me... . I appear to have forgotten all of the bad times in my relationship with expwBPD and seem to be clinging onto the good times.

This is one of the tricks our brain does when we are in a low emotional state - this too shall pass.

I feel ashamed to say this but I actually think I want him back... . why do I feel like this?I have had relationships before and felt nowhere near the grief I feel about losing him.Yet I know that he was cruel,spiteful and nasty to me.I feel weak for missing him.

hon, feeling ashamed or weak is not being kind to yourself.  If you are not patient to you, who will be?  This is absolutely normal.  I felt like this at times even when going through a nasty divorce.  They are simply feelings, part of the grief process.  We bargain/deny - usually when emotional triggers hit... . it's ok, no need to feel bad about it - just don't act on it.

Today is the anniversary of the loss of our baby... . I have a special place where I go to think about her.I didn't want to be on my own today so (stupidly) I texted him to see if he could come with me.His response "OK but I can't stay long as I am going out".No words.

Well, here is your trigger - and it is a big one.

So, at one point in your life, this person was your comfort during dark times.  Your brain still sees him as that, but logically, you have to accept he is not your comfort or support any longer.  You are not the first, nor the  last to reach out to exBPD in emotional trauma.

Why am I missing him?Why do I seem to want the relationship back?Why am I allowing him to hurt me over and over?Why am I hoping for a miracle?

you answer all of this in your next line.

I feel very very alone and isolated... . I am struggling with the concept that for him and those around us,life is going on yet for me my world has crumbled.He has painted me black to so many people that I feel I cannot talk to anyone about him.I just wanted things to be different... . I honestly thought I had met the man I would marry.I feel so sad today it is unreal.The worst thing is is that I cannot ever see this pain ending. :'(

Nearlybroken, you are in severe grief - a lot of loss.

Do you have a T?

Do you have a best friend you can just "be" with during this time?  Even if it is on the phone.

Life will get better, I know it feels horrible right now - I remember a time where I didn't want to leave my house... . it is so hard when we are in this state - but it will pass.

Peace,

SB

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you all for your kind words.At the moment I do have to have contact with him as we share a house... . though he is currently staying at his brothers.We also have mutual friends and our families are very close so it's all a mess really.As I haven't told many people the "full truth "of what has been going on people think that I simply walked away and so are more believing of him when he paints me black (which he is happily  doing).I think my friends are tiring of hearing me talk about it... . I guess they just cannot appreciate the hurt and confusion that comes from being on the receiving end of BPD.I am awaiting an appointment with a therapist but I think I will have a long wait.I have started taking my anti depressants.I just feel like I have become totally consumed by the situation.I know you will all understand but this man swept me off my feet and I thought I had found my soul mate.I loved him very very much  and showed it ... . it's hard,frustrating and destructive  when love is rewarded by venom and spite.I feel sick and nervous pretty much all the time and ,at the moment,think of nothing but him... . blaming myself and questioning everything.I think it ironic that I was a sane individual before this.I invested so much time in dealing with his mental health issues that I think I forgot about me.Though I cannot think of being with another man at the moment,I do not think I will ever be able to have another relationship... . I would be too afraid opf this happening again to me.