Very Angry...

[cowboy_Roogie]

I am just beginning this process with my 'probable' BPD wife... . We had been struggling for a year and a half or so, but kept pushing through the bad; (as I figured it was the stress of buying a new home and the fact that I love her very much). 

Through that time, I had continuously asked her to come back to the marriage as it seemed as though she was on her own planet playing by her own rules.  She was dishonest, possibly cheating, and never had time for our marriage.  She worked 5 - 6 nights a week and Sunday, when we actually did have a day together... . she would sleep.

2 weeks ago, I had enough - I was tired of continuously being placed 2nd, (3rd, 4th, etc) to everything and everyone else.  So I expressed my feelings that I was probably done... . That is when she revealed to me that she was cutting herself.  I was horrified... . So I began to do some research and found BPD... . It was like they had been describing my wife to a T.  I quickly back tracked and asked her to get some counseling.  After some coaxing - (I was gone if she wouldn't go) - She agreed.  I too am going to therapy to become educated on how to deal with this disorder and fixing whatever issues I have.  (The last year has done numbers to my psyche!)

I am thrilled that she is taking the steps to fix herself and thus, our marriage!  BUT - I am having a lot of trouble dealing with her actions in the time being.  I become SO angry when I even think about the other guy, or when she chooses to stay out with her friends, or when she chooses work over me.  All I want to do is scream at her and tell her to stop being so freaking stupid!  But I know I can't as that will just compound the problem. 

My questions to y'all –

1)   How did all of you get through these moments without losing your cool and remain patient?

2)   How long after the beginning of counseling did you start seeing changes in your spouse?

3)   How hard is it to forgive after the fact?

4)   Does she ever change after she is done with counseling; or will these actions continue to be an issue in the future?

Anything else you can add that would be helpful is appreciated.  I love my wife so much (otherwise, I’d be long gone) and want her to get helped for her and for us.  I want to be married to my wife!  If you can provide me with some strength today – it would be appreciated!

Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

1)   How did all of you get through these moments without losing your cool and remain patient?

Patience and reading the lessons

2)   How long after the beginning of counseling did you start seeing changes in your spouse?

He isn't in counseling so I can't give you an answer to that, but I've noticed a significant change since I've been using the tools described in the lessons.

3)   How hard is it to forgive after the fact?

That depends on you.  I am a forgiving person.  I'm not going to forget, but I'll forgive.  Forgetting keeps me in a position of extreme vulnerability.  I'm not going to be a patsy, but I'll be forgiving.

4)   Does she ever change after she is done with counseling; or will these actions continue to be an issue in the future?

That will depend on both of you.  You have to accept her as she is and understand that she has an illness that she is not able to control easily.  The uglies may rear their head from time to time, but may lessen in severity if you follow the tools and techniques to handle your end of the weirdness.  She will have to work on herself, but there's nothing you can do to make her different... . she must want it.

In all, I've not been disappointed in the results from using the tools described in the lessons.  Hopefully they will work for you as well.  Keep posting and getting insight from the wonderful and very wise folks on this site.