Hello and Welcome,
This board has been a lifeline for me many a time. I hope it can be the same for you.
i cheated on my my crazy wife without hardly any memory of it. without any desire for anything else - just no reason aside from - in retrospect/ thinking that the marriage was over ... . wondering what would happen if I did something less than perfect for once... . wanting to shock some sense into her ... . and partially wanting to sabotage the whole thing so that I couldn't come back to the abuse i've suffered all this time. and all of this --- truly without any deliberate/ sane initiative... . just insanity from dealing with a person that psychologically abuses me - steals my soul,
I can, in a way, relate to what you are saying. I have thought about cheating and am fortunate the opportunity has never presented itself to me! I honestly don't know what I would have done. Like you, I have felt like my marriage was over, or what was left of it couldn't really be called a marriage. It seems like you were reacting out of complete raw emotion without any forethought of the consequences to yourself, your wife, and your marriage. You are displaying, at least on here, what sounds like real remorse for what you have done. While she may not be able to forgive you now or ever, it sounds like you need to start to forgive yourself. Don't take on more responsibility for the demise of your marriage than you need to.
I think this is an example of what can happen when we let ourselves get drug so far down with the mental illness and abuse and we start becoming someone we are not. It is important to separate yourself from her emotionally right now for both of your sakes. Have you read any of the lesson on here? They are to the right on the side banner. Learning about detachment might help you out.
Also, I understand that you love her, but you also say she has been abusive towards you. Now while you have done wrong, you don't "need" or deserve a punishment for this. That creates a dangerous dynamic, IMO. You can perhaps read up on how to ask for forgiveness after infidelity, I"m sure there are such resources, and how to try and rebuild a relationship. That might give you some guidelines on how to approach things. Whether she can forgive you is up to her and you can't force it, but like I already said, maybe you can work on forgiving yourself.
Try not to hyperventilate... . you can get through this. Do you have friends or family you can surround yourself with or other healthy distractions?
